Leaving Castle Caladan

[Zues126]

Hey guys, thank you all for reading along. I know some of my posts can get rather warandpeaceish so I appreciate your persistence in getting through it all.

Financially the courts did what they could but there just wasn't a way to make it work. Their goal was to level our incomes so that both XW and I had similar monthly cash flow. The problem was that my income wasn't enough to support two households, so when they divided up my income and looked at what we'd each have to work with, we were both in the red compared to our proposed budgets. It isn't necessarily about the courts being unfair, but they can't divide 10 in half and get two sets of 8. So we are both in dire straights financially. The difference is that XW is getting multiple forms of government assistance for food, utilities, etc. This is one reason I can't renegotiate. There just isn't enough to go around, so there's nothing that can be done about it.

The other reason is that I signed a "Karen Waiver". This means that neither of us can request any adjustment to the maintenance for any reason. The reason we did this is to protect me actually. See, if the courts had resolved our situation they would've slated XW to go to work, but then would've factored in child care for her as well. This wouldn't have resulted in much net gain overall, and the situation wouldn't have improved anytime soon. Instead we 'front loaded' the maintenance giving her time to finish her RN degree program. The idea was that from an overhead view it would make more sense for me to carry the entire weight for 3-4 years to avoid child care costs in the short term, then when she enters the work force she will be poised to earn a professional income and we can cut the maintenance down to nothing around the corner. It made the most financial sense for the family and for her development as well. The reason for the Karen waiver was to prevent a scenario where I pay through my teeth for 4 years while she parties her way into failing grades, only to bring me back into court and say "Judge, I need another 2 years to finish my degree, he's making good money and can't let the kids starve, I need more money". Pass. If I'm going to front load the support then I need to know that while I am responsible for providing her the opportunity to finish school, she is responsible for using the opportunity and making it work once that window closes.

Is it fair? I don't really know what fair is. I don't know how you can make the division of insufficient resources fair. It doesn't seem fair that XW can make a unilateral decision to separate and double our expenses and force me into poverty and an indentured servitude. But there are many injustices in this world. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and not put myself in this situation again.

The good news is that I am down to about 28 payments left until the maintenance drops. I will still pay some child support, but compared to what I'm paying now it will be a joke, thousands less a month. Someway somehow my employment will stabilize somewhere, so once I'm down to just providing for my half of the family again I'm sure I'll be ok. There's a real chance that I'll be earning a strong income again and with that weight off my back and my minimalistic lifestyle (my only hobby is pool and I earn income playing) I could be pretty comfortable. And of course then my kids will graduate, and the support will end as well as the cost of raising them. Point is that long term, 3-5-10 years out I will be fine. So if I have to just grind through 800 days of adversity then so be it.

Of course, there's always a chance life throws another curve ball. Maybe a debilitating accident or something. Point is that while I am optimistic that my current hardship won't continue, it may well evolve somehow, and I'm darn sure not going to wait until some day years from now to enjoy myself. I'm glad you guys are enjoying your time in the space between as well because we all know that's where life happens.

Done working for the week. Playing some pool tomorrow, it's every other Saturday so I get to dust off the ol' cues.

Oh, next Saturday is my kids chess tournament. My sister is coming with. For those that don't know I haven't really been talking to my sister the last couple of years. She was the one that was bff's with XW during BD, out drinking with her and texting day and night. If XW murdered my wife then my sister drove the getaway car. I have let go of most of my anger and feelings of betrayal, but have been left with a lingering distaste and disinterest in having her in my life. Still, she is my sister, and she is the children's aunt. After over a year of non-communication with me she texted me and asked if she could get together with me and maybe see the kids. I invited her to the chess tournament. That way she can see the kids, we can have several 20 minute blocks while they're playing to chat and see each other, maybe grab lunch, but we can keep it somewhat superficial. It's a little tricky because if she were to ask things like "how have you been", "how's work", or things like that, if I am not careful I could end up saying "it's all total bs and 90% because of the decisions XW made which you supported in every way while continuing to defend and justify your involvement and contribution to the destruction of my family"...but I can let that go I think. I realize that the vast majority of this country thinks that reaching out to your back up man on facebook and then splitting up a family is a reasonable choice, and my sister just happens to be one of them. In the end she is my sister and I will always love her and wish her the best. I can't control her or the world, just my response, and I think that continuing to allow access to the kids, keeping things civil, and preserving the underlying love and shared experience I have with my sister is my best response, so that's what I'll be doing. I can make small talk with her, let her spend time with the kids, then retreat back into my own world comfortably enclosed by four green rails and sharing the company of a few trusted friends and fellow DBers. Thanks and take care DBers!