Today's interaction I really brought up the secrecy issue. I told her that she doesn't want privacy, she wants secrecy. I will try to be patient.
Good point!
Quote:
I think I threw this out there this morning, but from Coach's boundary post I told her that I do not want an open marriage. Today my IC and I worked on boundaries. So one of her big things is that twice I left work to confront her. She likes to say that I don't need to leave work. Well me and the IC talked about how she is trying to enforce her boundaries on me. Next time we have a boundaries talk, or she tries to enforce a boundary on me I should say:
"you are trying to create boundaries in my life when you yourself will not receive my influence regarding your boundaries, i.e. strict no contact, transparency, and not drinking."
I don't know that you fully understand about boundaries. Do this..........pretend you have drawn a circle around yourself. No person can step over this line/circle to hurt you.....without them experiencing unfavorable results. You are standing in this invisible circle and the only one who is in charge of protecting your feelings. If someone crosses that line, they have dishonored your boundary, b/c they do not care about your feelings.
Think about this.....what happens when someone dishonors the boundary around private property? If there is just a sign that says "private property" but nothing happens if an intruder disregards the sign........wouldn't you believe the sign served little use to its owner? Just posting a sign does not garantee the owner his property will be protected....but rather the results that come to anyone who disregards the sign and intrudes the private property.
In other words, your words, alone , will not carry much weight with a wayward wife. A WW is going to push the boundary as much as she can.....to see if you really do anything about it. Therefore, do NOT declare something as your boundary, unless you are prepared to back up your words.
There have been a few newcomer H's who read Coach's example of not being in an open marriage, and were eager to announce to the WW their same boundary. However, they were not prepared to back it up when the WW continued contacting her OM. So, what is your plan if your W does not honor your boundary? You are the one responsible to protect your boundary, and it's up to you to show the consequences of dishonoring it. The action is up to you.
I do not understand your last statements. What does that mean? You cannot place a boundary on her life, or vise versa. Just like you can't set goals for another person.
Boundaries are not created to control the actions of your W. It's not putting a dog collar around her neck. She is an adult and has free will to choose who and what to respect. The boundary you stated is for you.....not her. And btw, don't state a boundary in some weak, watered down manner......."I don't want to live in an open M". A real boundary should be stated as, "I will not live in an open M". It's not open for debate or discussion. If she chooses to disregard it, then the next move should come from you. You have told her, she chose not to honor your feelings, so now what? Tell her again? No! If she ignored the first time, why would repeating it make the boundary any stronger?
How "effective" is your boundary? That depends on what you do when it is dishonored. Boundaries are for protection, not punishment. However, let me add this point........if her choice to dishonor your boundary has no consequences, then it is ineffective. In other words, if you remain in the M after she dishonors your boundary of "not living in an open M", it is useless. But, if you pack her bags and kick her out, or you pack your stuff and leave......then she experiences the consequences of breaking your boundary. Do you see what I mean? It can't be used as a threat, a bluff, or a tool for controling her. If you can't carry through with action, then don't declare a boundary.
I have seen several LBH's husbands use the action of leaving the room whenever their boundary was dishonored. That might work with strangers. It might even work when your W disrespects you in public......or has a screaming attack at home. However, the more major/serious (for lack of a better word) the boundary.....the greater the consequences of dishonoring it should be. The consequencs should match the crime, so to speak.
I don't understand what you mean by her trying to force her boundaries on you. Neither do I see the connection between boundaries and you leaving work to confront her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
