Quote: You COULD ask yourself (in your best Dr. Phil voice) "what am I getting by continuing to act in this manner?"
I think I have identified the payoffs, but that still isn't making me change!! This is what I have come up with so far:
If he gets mad at me and stays, it means he really loves me. (Though one day it will be one too many times)
I am getting negative attn. which is better than none. (But, if I would back off from seeking the - attn., and be PATIENT, I will receive more + attn.)
I am trying to get reassurances. (Which he does NOT do anymore.)
I am trying to prove that he is an @sshole, so I can hurry up and end this M before he does something to screw me over. (Ok, that's WAY out there!) (H is a great guy, who would hardly hurt a fly...)
Trying to sabotage for the above reason.
I think that the honest to gosh truth is that I just don't BELIEVE that things will get better, that I will have the love that I want. I have no faith in him, myself, or God! I am afraid that I am doomed to be unhappy. However, as I look back, I've always been depressed about something be it I'm in love w/an unavailable man, I love a man I'm with, but he doesn't love me, I'm single, I'm in an R in which I am unhappy, I don't have a great career, my fam. sux, i need money, etc., etc., etc. I guess I believe I'm destined to live a life of doom and gloom. And yes, I AM on anti-depressants!
How do I unstick myself from that ??? How do I make myself have faith and trust and believe in him, god, and myself???
