I'll wade in on this too. And like Undie.....this may not be pleasant but it comes from a place of understanding. And we all know you want to get there. So it may seem like a 2x4 ....but this one is covered in cotton candy.
It is obvious from the first line that sex is not a sexual/sensual issue for you. It is a control issue.And he knows it. Maybe not cognitively. But subconciously. And frankly ....so do you...You know EXACTLY what this does to the two of YOU!!!You have a power struggle going on here. Who's needs are going to be met?? and so far.....he loses. He feels like he loses each time you two "do the deed." !!! Because YOU are getting some emotional needs met at HIS expense.
Now I know you don't want to feel like some sort of "Viking Victor" here conquering new lands!! and claiming the spoils.....But that's what happens...You might as well wear one of those pointed helmuts to bed!! and I'd hazzard a guess it goes further....He resents it.....BIG TIME. Think about it....... who wouldn't?????????? If you always felt like YOU were the loser on the other end of the stick...how would you feel after a while....after 2 years....five years....after 10 years???Who in their right mind could stand to feel like a failure for THAT LONG!!Could you? Well......could you???Sex is important.....but it is NOT....NOT....I repeat, to be the battle ground.Sex is where you two should be able to come together in a safe place where you can both be as vulnerable as you really are........hurt scared and able to be killed with just a glance but where nothing bad is going to happen, where you know you are NOT going to get hurt.
Now what to do?? Give up sex?? Hmmmmmm..... Well, Maybe.....maybe,that IS an option... for a while. Or maybe just stop looking for it....take the pressure off...for him. Now this will NOT happen quickly, at first he's gonna be waiting to see how long you will wait and who folds first...this is a game of BLuff poker!!So put on your best poker face! And like UD I'm not a NUN......but my M is more important than the sex.....it has to be or it would not have survived 30 years, 4 kids, 6 new houses, 9 moves, three hurricanes, three countries!! You get the picture??( not to mention horrendous in laws!)
You BOTH put alot of emphasis on it because it gives you control.You get what you want...right???..or do you? Do you want a man who feels "power LESS"? Do you want a man who is in competition for the reins in this marriage? Do you want a man who is passifying you rather than dealing with the issues??? What do you think You are gaining here??? The upper hand??? He'e telling you he doesn't even exist in this relationship.H is fodder for your demands thus his comment that you only want him for his penis....now how silly. But he's telling you THAT"S how he FEELS.That YOUR NEEDS are more important than HIS FEELINGS.
So ........... what happens if you give him what he wants? What the hell happens??Ask your self...what happens to you if you give up control and he gets it??? What happens if you "let" him take control of where and when and how this realtionship goes? Yes....that's scarry.....but You my dear don't have a choice......You are driving him out of this relationship and you don't want to accept that. He may have his faults, he is not perfect..BUT his actions are screaming messages to you!!!
If you do not stop this behavior he will withdraw to the point of divorce, affairs, or drinking, or just abandonment......maybe silence..... who knows but the human spirit finds a way to protect itself. He has made this abundantly clear. Now why would you want that????
You can either give up this battle and stop feeling sorry for yourself.. Or you keep going ....keep alientating him....and you will lose him. Then you really will have something to feel sorry about. And it won't be the lack of sex in your life it will be the lack of a HUSBAND. YOU are not a lech. YOU ARE however being selfish and narrow of focus. You know this already....You are doing what doesn't work over and over and over and over again!!! With the hopes that it will work!
Here is a man who is more concerned with the quality of the realtionship than with the "frosting" the sex.......... You have great potential here Karen!!! He wants this with you...He hasn't run out the door....YET! He's still hoping it will be YOU....and HIM! He still trusts you and wants you enough to try and to not just evaporate.
He may need guidance, he may need direction, but it HAS to be on his own time frame, with a gentle not manner or he will pull back.This is how you will know when you are doing it right....he will be approaching!! Now I know you are capable of this...you are gentle and kind and patient with your child....with your sick parent....with a needy friend and you would never dream of hurting ANYONE. But without accepting it....you are hurting him.
He wants to be what you need...he wants to feel good about himself....but he cannot do this for YOU.... he needs to do this for him....He needs to have confidence and the way in which someone builds confidence is in doing.You don't got get confidence and then go out and do something......(how many kids had confidence the first time they rode a bike??) NO they got it from riding the BIKE!!
Sooooooooooo LET HIM DO..... Make it only on his initiation.That's how you get the control. Swallow your demands and see them for the insecurities that they are. They are the bad things that are ruining YOUR realtionship.
C'mon, you are not an animal. YOU DO have some control.....YOU will NOT DIE if you don't get sex. Your marriage however WILL suffer if you keep this up. You can live quite well without as much and notice I said not as much....sex..... How about putting that energy into a more creative use?
There are alot of needy people and things in this world that could use some of your vitality and energy. Look at re-focusing that on something worthwhile instead of how much sex you can get.. Look at how much love can you GIVE? I guarantee You will get back way more than you ever give. Volunteer......get involved...get on with a life that isn't oriented about you. Take all that energy and put it out there. You will feel soooooo good about yourself that you won't be needing SEX to qualify you....to determine you....to DEFINE who you are and how valuable you are as a person. Homeless people need you....orphans need you...a women's shelter needs you...a food pantry needs you .A college course has your name on it.Get busy and get going.......you don't have forever!!!!
This life is only a few years long and then it's gone. Make something more important than your SEX LIFE!!!!
Now do you feel like laughing at your self!!!!????? Come on YOU are more important than whether you get sex or not tonight YOU ARE AN AMAZING PERSON. Let the world benefit from you..you have so much to offer.
if you don't get sex. Your marriage however WILL suffer if you keep this up. You can live quite well without as much and notice I said not as much....sex.....
