So, what can you do to take yourself out of that picture? Start with your time and availability. How available are you to her calls/texting? Do you wait, or check your messages to see if you missed her? For the most part I have been fairly responsive due to the kids. I did respond and help her with an issue the other week when the kids were with me and felt afterwards that that was a mistake and I should have either waited on the response or not been so helpful.
Do make up excuses to contact her? Kids are used all the time by the LBS, as their excuse to discuss logistics with the WW every day. If you don't believe me, just start reading threads, and you'll see how quickly H's add they had to talk about kid logistics with the WW.
This part I do not do. When we talk it usually is her contacting me and its about the kids or related to them or legal parts of the separation. I have been NC with her other than for the kids. Which to me hasn't changed her in any way.. other than making her happy as she can continue without thinking of me.
Okay, so moving right along....... How available do you give her a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to listen to all "about her"?
She hasn't come to be with any issues, as the last year or so we began to lose communication with each other and we stopped communicating our problems or worries with each other. I would still with her but she became less and less with me. I know for sure that I could have done better at listening but started to lose the want to as I was not receiving the same thing when I tried with her.. probably not the right answer but I can't change that part now..
How available are you to keep the kids when they are scheduled to be with her? If you have not started feeling "used", just wait cause it's coming. It's all about what she wants and the way she wants it. How flexible are you to do pretty much anything she asks?
This one is tough for me, as I want to spend as much time with them as I can and they always want to be around me or with me from what I have seen.. I still pick the kids up from school everyday even during her weeks as that was the schedule we had before and it worked, as well as being more cost effective. It gives me the additional time every weekday with them that I normally would not have, but its helping her as she doesn't have to pay now for after-school care or really go out of her way to change with this process... so again, this is a tough one.
I have looked back on a lot of times and have felt like I have been used in a lot of ways... it [censored].. Objectively looking back at the last 14 years I begin to see things that I blinded myself to. I am still pretty flexible also.. I'm working on this but its tough again as Ive always been flexible with whats been asked.. I say always but I can also think of times that I should have been that I more so in the last 2 or so years began to not be as it didn't "Benefit me" in a way.. wrong attitude to have but it began to feel very one sided with how things were going to me.. I tried to express that to her at the time but I don't think it came out the way i intended it.
Are the doors to the marital home open for whenever she decides to pop in? Does she get to go to the home when she wants to see the kids on your scheduled time? Does she leave clothes and personal items in the marital home?
So, currently yes and no.. She hasn't "decided to pop in" persay, I did go against the teachings in the 180 during the beginning stages of my emotional breakdown during this when she was saying that she was just going to stay with her parents or a hotel one night and we had a long talk that I felt was productive.. I had told her that she would always be welcome in OUR home when she asked if I would be ok if she decided to come back home that night... but then after a few hours and her returning to the home, I began to feel that it was more manipulative and her trying to regain control of the situation and mad that she came back so quick.. She showed signs of being sad about everything for the first time and some remorse.. but that was immediately gone after a few hours of being gone..
I had originally said to her that she could bring the kids by the house to play since majority of their things were there.. but feel that might not be the best idea as well now..
Pretty much all of her things have been removed from the home now, that was an eventful and emotional day as well.. with her smug face and laughing with her coworkers as she was carrying things out of the home when I drove past with the kids.. I tried to not let them see that part but she decided to last minute plan the move of the bigger items when I went to pick the kids up from school.. She left her key when she left also..
Do you take care of her car, or make payments she cannot afford?
I did when she was still in the home. Now that she is out of the home the situation has not arisen.. I would think that I would not, but I've always been the help others type of person... Her car is paid off.
Do you help her fix whatever at her place (plumbing, electrical stuff, technical stuff, etc.)?
This situation has not arisen yet.. but I feel that it will.
Do you ever attend events with her (family, job, school activities, birthdays, etc.)?
For our children we have gone "together" to school events. We did not ride together then but sat together. This was before we let the school know we were separating though. We had talked about that we would continue this for the kids sake.. so I'm not sure how to detach from that piece.
To me it is really tough to detach and be NC with someone who you share two wonderful children with and see on a daily basis during her week but not during mine. When she calls the kids in the afternoon I usually just hit the accept call button and speaker and then hand it to the kids without saying hello, whereas she will sometimes answer when I call for them.
How do you withdraw from someone who you share to great kids with and want them to be happy and feel loved throughout all this. I want for them the most to have their family back. The one that we worked so hard to provide and show for them when they were adopted. In what ways can I remove myself from her eyes enough that she would feel a loss??
I have not brought up and R or MR talks with her anymore, and I have tried to be the one to end the conversation or meeting first. I feel that since she is still at her parents and not fully in her place yet that I have not seen the true side of things.. There is still a lot to come. I have done a lot of looking back on our R and through the current events have honestly started to feel that she may be right on some things.. I don't want to believe them or think that they can be true, but in some ways I want to feel that she was In Love with the idea of me and us.. but never truly in love with me or have affection towards me in the way she should have.. In the way that I had towards her.. I don't want to believe that, but just don't know anymore..
These are just a few ways the WW can still benefit from the M and continue her affair and living outside the M. These are things you where you have an option of choice, b/c it all involves your participation. See what I mean? This is where you start. You cannot emotionally detach, if you can't learn to control your end. And she won't want you as long as you are available.
If you don't think this would make a big difference, just do it.......and see. She won't like it one little bit. She still expects you to be available for her. She has removed herself from the MR and the marital home. She is no longer gets the umbrella of benefits that go with the position of being your wife. See what I mean?
It is not a matter of what you "want to do". It is a matter of doing what works with a wayward wife. The hard part comes first, and it won't change for the better in a short time......but if you stick with respecting yourself and setting effective boundaries to protect your feelings....things will change for the better.
You feel afraid that you'll lose her. You have already lost her. ((I'm Here)) I would like to help you understand how you can attract her back to you. So, do this afraid.....but do it.
Thank you so much sandi2, Being on here and talking with others is helping. My family and friends have been a big help as well and have tied to be objective and have a 2 sided reasoning on things.. The 2x4's are needed often to keep me on the right track.. Through the darkness I will eventually see the light. I want to hope that it is with the W.. but it needs to be for the right reasons and wants.
