Have been really busy lately. Th. had din w/h, fri. went to concert w/gf's, sat. picked up our bikes out of layaway , helped my mom in her yard, went out to din w/h and to meet group of friends at a bar. This morn. we were supposed to go for a group ride, but it is raining a lot, so we went out to bfast. He went to hang w/his friend today.
OK!!! 12 days of NOOOO crazypmaking!! I am really paying attn. to when I want to and why. The usual answers I come up with are that I am bored, that I don't feel "connected," and that I want attn. I have been feeling somewhat detached. Not hearing WOA hurts? Sometimes it saddens me to ML and not hear some compliment or ILY. He does say ILY back when I do, or if I say I had fun tonight, he agrees. I think I do pretty well as far as thanking him for taking me out, folding laundry, etc.
Huge +++ Again, I have gone out with him and this group of friends that I used to get really jealous around. I did NOT get jealous. Then they all left except for H's 2 close friends. (One has avoided doing stuff with h when I am around b/c he couldn't handle the drama/me having issues.) But, I have now gone out with them a few times and to a few parties over several months WITHOUT getting upset over something!
Also, I have been trying to not read into comments that h makes. I'm really good at picking out the worst and over-analyzing it, then accusing him of something, etc.
I also would like more sex, but I figure that that will come with time when we both feel more emotionally connected. I'm still doing a lot of initiating, but I just can't help it! Yesterday morn. I made a comment about his body that hurt his feelings a little. I didn't mean to! I guess I should realize that he IS sensitive about his body. I just think of him as such a pillar of strength, that I don't think I will hurt his feelings by joking around about things.
I have had some bouts of feeling emotional/feeling like crying, but I'll just ask him for an extra hug or snuggles. He's v. good about that!
Wish me luck on continuing this good path! I hope I didn't just jinx myself. karen812
Hey girl, Sounding good!!! Keep it up! As far as the "jinxing" yourself...think POSITIVE!!! It really does work...if you think "jinx" you'll doom yourself to that theory. If you keep telling yourself you are doing great and you are gonna KEEP doing well...it will sink in and become a habit!
I see in you the ability to do anything you put your mind to. Everytime you make up your mind to do something (or NOT do it)...you are strong and determined and you conquer it. It's only when you undermine yourself that you tend to slip. So you can't get off easy anymore! Hee hee! We KNOW you can do it!!!
Anyway, glad to see you are putting those crazymaking days behind you. I need to work on that. I have been but I need my man around a little more to "test" it! Take care and stay strong! God bless! Debi
debi, i did f up last night. i'm so sick of this. h thinks i put way too much importance on sex, and not enough on the r itself. *he's just not a normal guy!! He does want sex, but needs to feel that the r is better. I have been left feeling empty lately b/c it seems like he's only making 3/4 effort and he doesn't give me WOA or say ILY. Joann (coach) told me a long time ago to quit initiating, i just haven't been able to bring myself to quit it. But now, I think I may have finally learned the lesson. If I feel worse after, it just ain't worth it.
We got into a short discussion about an issue about sexual stuff while in bed. It was fine-we both shared feelings and understood each other. We could have been done at that point, but I ask why he doesn't feel comfy bringing up these issues when he thinks about them. He snapped at me-I dont' even know what he said, but what I heard was "get off me...shut the f...up." So, I am hurt, then I say I feel like he is shutting me out. He said he was trying to keep it from going into a 2 hour long discussion. I said I wasn't going to, i just had a q thinking him not talking is a bigger issue.
I stay away from him for a while, go to bed, he comes to bed and doesn't snuggle, we get into it more, he goes to the liv. room, I get more emotional (feeling abandoned/rejected/like he doesn't care)...finally resolve and go to bed.
Ok, so sex IS really important to me. How do I put it on the back burner? How do I forget about wanting to sleep with my husband??? Obviously, my initiating is not a great idea. Granted, he does "rise to the occasion," but I still feel gilted. So I guess I do really care more about the emotional side of our R and connectedness. Having sex when I feel insecure, bored, or like I want to "connect" is not working.
I never thought that a man could feel used or pressured in this way. Most material is always talking about how the man really NEEDS sex to feel close and that the woman should initiate more/or provide him with it more and not reject him. Well, it AIN'T true in this case. And yes, I am always complimenting him, thanking him, saying ILY...
I heard your plea for help.... but I will warn you that you are probably not going to like what I have to say.
Let me begin by stating here before God and man that I am an HD female. Due to my present circumstances it has been a really long time since I was able to participate in said recreation. And I miss it something fierce.
But I have to tell you that it's part of an overall puzzle. It is not the be all to end all. Why are you making one particular thing a sore spot when everything in your picture needs to be fixed?
Stop it!
It's also unfair to generalize that all men can have sex without involving their emotions. While I know that can be true, it doesn't have to be truthful all the time.
Could it be possible that your H is letting you know that needs of his are not being met, and because he is not feeling close to you right now, cannot give himself freely to you as often as you'd like it?
I can tell you with absolute conviction that my normally very sexually healthy H had big trouble initiating sex with me when our R sucked. And when he did, it was quick and sort of denigrating... and guess what? I understand.
There ARE people out there, men and women, who feel that no sex is better than angry and resentful sex.
So let's recap here because I don't want you thinking that I'm telling you to get over it. I'm absolutely not. Sex is a very important part of a marriage, and I think it's great that you enjoy it as much as you say you do. I realize it's a deal breaker for you, Karen.
But from where I sit, you have only just begun healing some hurts that have plagued you for a lifetime. This boat is big and heavy and it is not going to turn around on a dime. You absolutely MUST put more energy into correcting the imbalances seen from your H's perspective.
For the sake of memory lapses, what are the things he has said he doesn't like about you or your interaction with him? List them here again and let's get to work on changing his perception of you and your R. THEN I think you might find a more willing partner in bed....
Just my two cents worth, and I hope it helps.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Thanks UD, I can't say that I don't like what you have to say. It is reinforcing some ideas and new views that I'd like to try on.
I have been acting as if it is a be all end all. To me it means that the R is ok, H wants me and finds me desireable, that he "approves of" and accepts me.
I put a lot more emphasis on it b/c it gives me a false sense of security. Yes, so knowing that it is false is a step in the right direction. It is an area that I feel more confident in. I don't feel real confident about being intimate on an emotional level. I also like the rush(es) it provides. I also thoroughly enjoy being with him, but not so much anymore since the emotions are lacking.
He feels pressured and controlled b/c I get upset if it doesn't happen.
He gets turned off by my crying neediness and accusations of him not caring about me.
He believes that the R is more important (the cake) than the icing on top. Cake needs to be made first before you can ADD frosting. Can't live on frosting alone.
If I suggest ML before we go out, he then feels like it HAS to happen.
He feels used because I use it get the stamp of approval from him. yuck... & he knows that I used a lot of guys sexually in my past so he thinks it doesn't mean as much to me.
I think he has some insecurities about some of his own skills and his body.
Thinks all I want from him is his penis.
He doesn't respond to ME acting like a piece of meat. I think Barbara D'Angelis said that men reacting to "meat" is degrading to them.
I feel like I need to control the sitch-if I don't initiate it will never happen. (which is not true, it might just be a few days longer than I would like.)
I feel like I need to "entertain" him to keep his interest.
Guess I'm kind of a lech! thanks for the feedback. Anymore would be greatly appreciated!
I'll wade in on this too. And like Undie.....this may not be pleasant but it comes from a place of understanding. And we all know you want to get there. So it may seem like a 2x4 ....but this one is covered in cotton candy.
It is obvious from the first line that sex is not a sexual/sensual issue for you. It is a control issue.And he knows it. Maybe not cognitively. But subconciously. And frankly ....so do you...You know EXACTLY what this does to the two of YOU!!!You have a power struggle going on here. Who's needs are going to be met?? and so far.....he loses. He feels like he loses each time you two "do the deed." !!! Because YOU are getting some emotional needs met at HIS expense.
Now I know you don't want to feel like some sort of "Viking Victor" here conquering new lands!! and claiming the spoils.....But that's what happens...You might as well wear one of those pointed helmuts to bed!! and I'd hazzard a guess it goes further....He resents it.....BIG TIME. Think about it....... who wouldn't?????????? If you always felt like YOU were the loser on the other end of the stick...how would you feel after a while....after 2 years....five years....after 10 years???Who in their right mind could stand to feel like a failure for THAT LONG!!Could you? Well......could you???Sex is important.....but it is NOT....NOT....I repeat, to be the battle ground.Sex is where you two should be able to come together in a safe place where you can both be as vulnerable as you really are........hurt scared and able to be killed with just a glance but where nothing bad is going to happen, where you know you are NOT going to get hurt.
Now what to do?? Give up sex?? Hmmmmmm..... Well, Maybe.....maybe,that IS an option... for a while. Or maybe just stop looking for it....take the pressure off...for him. Now this will NOT happen quickly, at first he's gonna be waiting to see how long you will wait and who folds first...this is a game of BLuff poker!!So put on your best poker face! And like UD I'm not a NUN......but my M is more important than the sex.....it has to be or it would not have survived 30 years, 4 kids, 6 new houses, 9 moves, three hurricanes, three countries!! You get the picture??( not to mention horrendous in laws!)
You BOTH put alot of emphasis on it because it gives you control.You get what you want...right???..or do you? Do you want a man who feels "power LESS"? Do you want a man who is in competition for the reins in this marriage? Do you want a man who is passifying you rather than dealing with the issues??? What do you think You are gaining here??? The upper hand??? He'e telling you he doesn't even exist in this relationship.H is fodder for your demands thus his comment that you only want him for his penis....now how silly. But he's telling you THAT"S how he FEELS.That YOUR NEEDS are more important than HIS FEELINGS.
So ........... what happens if you give him what he wants? What the hell happens??Ask your self...what happens to you if you give up control and he gets it??? What happens if you "let" him take control of where and when and how this realtionship goes? Yes....that's scarry.....but You my dear don't have a choice......You are driving him out of this relationship and you don't want to accept that. He may have his faults, he is not perfect..BUT his actions are screaming messages to you!!!
If you do not stop this behavior he will withdraw to the point of divorce, affairs, or drinking, or just abandonment......maybe silence..... who knows but the human spirit finds a way to protect itself. He has made this abundantly clear. Now why would you want that????
You can either give up this battle and stop feeling sorry for yourself.. Or you keep going ....keep alientating him....and you will lose him. Then you really will have something to feel sorry about. And it won't be the lack of sex in your life it will be the lack of a HUSBAND. YOU are not a lech. YOU ARE however being selfish and narrow of focus. You know this already....You are doing what doesn't work over and over and over and over again!!! With the hopes that it will work!
Here is a man who is more concerned with the quality of the realtionship than with the "frosting" the sex.......... You have great potential here Karen!!! He wants this with you...He hasn't run out the door....YET! He's still hoping it will be YOU....and HIM! He still trusts you and wants you enough to try and to not just evaporate.
He may need guidance, he may need direction, but it HAS to be on his own time frame, with a gentle not manner or he will pull back.This is how you will know when you are doing it right....he will be approaching!! Now I know you are capable of this...you are gentle and kind and patient with your child....with your sick parent....with a needy friend and you would never dream of hurting ANYONE. But without accepting it....you are hurting him.
He wants to be what you need...he wants to feel good about himself....but he cannot do this for YOU.... he needs to do this for him....He needs to have confidence and the way in which someone builds confidence is in doing.You don't got get confidence and then go out and do something......(how many kids had confidence the first time they rode a bike??) NO they got it from riding the BIKE!!
Sooooooooooo LET HIM DO..... Make it only on his initiation.That's how you get the control. Swallow your demands and see them for the insecurities that they are. They are the bad things that are ruining YOUR realtionship.
C'mon, you are not an animal. YOU DO have some control.....YOU will NOT DIE if you don't get sex. Your marriage however WILL suffer if you keep this up. You can live quite well without as much and notice I said not as much....sex..... How about putting that energy into a more creative use?
There are alot of needy people and things in this world that could use some of your vitality and energy. Look at re-focusing that on something worthwhile instead of how much sex you can get.. Look at how much love can you GIVE? I guarantee You will get back way more than you ever give. Volunteer......get involved...get on with a life that isn't oriented about you. Take all that energy and put it out there. You will feel soooooo good about yourself that you won't be needing SEX to qualify you....to determine you....to DEFINE who you are and how valuable you are as a person. Homeless people need you....orphans need you...a women's shelter needs you...a food pantry needs you .A college course has your name on it.Get busy and get going.......you don't have forever!!!!
This life is only a few years long and then it's gone. Make something more important than your SEX LIFE!!!!
Now do you feel like laughing at your self!!!!????? Come on YOU are more important than whether you get sex or not tonight YOU ARE AN AMAZING PERSON. Let the world benefit from you..you have so much to offer.
Thanks Trish, The cotton candle is helping the wound.
I need some time to absorb this feedback from you two.
You are making some very good points. And showing me how it is from his perspective.
Sticking point for me right now is having something else be more important than sex. If the M is important, but there is no sex, what does that leave? How many ppl would stay with their spouses if they NEVER had sex and be happy? I'm not saying that it will happen. I'm sure, if I do give up bonking my head over and over in this cheeseless tunnel, that things would be better.
Hey K, I emailed you my 2 cents but I have to say these ladies said pretty much what I did, tho more eloquently! You will be okay, because I feel like once you are tired of the headache from butting your head against a brick wall...you will finally do what you know you CAN do...SUCCEED!!! LOL. You have a good man there...cut him some slack. Cut yourself some slack!!! It's excruciatingly hard, but it will be well worth it. Take care. God bless! Debi
Hi Karen - Betsey and Trish have said the most important bits. I'll just add the S L O W L Y bit.
Quote: Sticking point for me right now is having something else be more important than sex. If the M is important, but there is no sex, what does that leave? How many ppl would stay with their spouses if they NEVER had sex and be happy?
Unglue yourself from this point, the time is not YET right. Remember goals and baby steps? It is painful, but well worth it to inch things along. As Betsey so aptly put it, once some of the other issues are resolved, this too will come along. Cultivate patience, as elusive as she can be. Hugs, Slowly
, helped my mom in her yard, went out to din w/h and to meet group of friends at a bar. This morn. we were supposed to go for a group ride, but it is raining a lot, so we went out to bfast. He went to hang w/his friend today. 
We KNOW you can do it!!!
