I looked at the hotel WH booked for me and S3 for our little out of town jaunt and it totally broke me. I know he was trying in his own way to be nice because he booked a little boutique type hotel, just the type we would have always enjoyed going to together, and it is killing me knowing that while I'm with my son putting on a cheerful face, looking around at this beautiful room with a WH sized hole in it, WH is in a nicer room with OW. I couldn't do it - too many memories, so I cancelled it and booked a cheaper one, more like a motel. It's nearer the seafront as well so S3 will like it better.
I sent the cancellation message to WH so he knows those funds will become free, no message, couldn't think of anything to write. He called me almost immediately to ask what was wrong. I told him I was still going, and was honest about why I cancelled.
I made a boo boo - did a mini R talk. I asked him if he thought when we got married he would ever divorce me. He said no, softly. I asked him if he thought marriage was for life. He said yes. I said I thought so too.
I told him I was feeling he was being very disrespectful with his actions. He didn't get it - I had to break it down for him. I told him it was disrespectful that he was going on holiday with another woman while still married to me, to be telling another woman he loved her while still married to me, to have another woman tell him she loved him... He said he had not thought of it that way. (?!) I reminded him of when I first found out about OW in September and when he told me he had broken it off with her and would only re-engage when the ink on our divorce papers were dry. At the time I thanked him for it, told him how much that meant to me. What an idiot I was.
He's going to meet her brother on this holiday - I told him it was disrespectful to meet her family while still married with a child.
He said he was glad I told him what I was thinking and asked me how our son was. I told him he was fine. Which he is, strictly speaking - just fine. WH could tell from my tone S3 is not totally fine (he isn't). He pressed me and I told him the truth - he's upset his daddy isn't around. Yesterday night at bedtime we were saying our prayers and S3, for the first time ever, piped up and said "Bring my daddy home." It destroyed me. I held it together until I thought he was asleep, then knelt by his bed to pray and just broke down. S3 wasn't as asleep as I thought he was and he woke up and asked me why I was crying, so I had to climb back into bed and fake it until he fell asleep again.
I am more angry and hurt by what WH is doing to our child, our little family, more than what he's doing to me. I know he's angry with me, and rightly so, holding my hands up here - of Gottman's Four Horseman, I owned three full on (he had the fourth) - but he's punishing our child as well. And at mediation, I have to watch him blather on about what's best for our son. Yes, what's best for him, after you've narrowed the field of options by doing what's best for you first.
I said goodbye and cut him off while he was going on about not realising how I felt. Well, duhh... He then sent me a message saying "That was hard to hear but thanks for telling me." Not sure if he meant the disrespect thing or our son praying for him to come home, but it doesn't really matter. He's still going to do whatever he wants.
