The Fight For Self Forever

[CT1118]

As part of my Fight, I have often had to take inventory of the things I have done for me which have been good and which have been great. Now I am usually not the type of person to look back and smile, but I think once we find ourselves in a place such as this forum, such thoughts can be important. So what have you done that is good? What have you done, and done since that hurricane plowed your soul? Might be small, and that's cool. I mean small for me was I wash the dishes, dry them, and put them away as soon as I am done eating. Small indeed, but pretty big for me.

But there is bigger stuff. I think there might be bigger stuff, especially if you have been here for a bit. What is it? I would like to hear about it.

My journey - its culminating right now. I am in my last semester of graduate school. I was just inducted into my third honor society for academic performance, somehow kept a 3.9 GPA during this sht show of a year I have had. I really have no idea how I did that - other than I knew it was my fight to win or loose. Looking back though, not sure how I turned the other parts of life off to make it happen. But that accomplishment is true sh1t compared to one I hit today, this early Friday morning February 10, 2017. Its been one year. - one year clean and free of my narcotics addiction. One year since I looked into a mirror, in the master bathroom of my third of a million dollar house I shared w/my spouse, looking back at me was this dead-eyed and absent shell I had become. On the day I realized and actually discovered my spouse was having an affair, the dark-eyed reflection clicked. "Oh sh1t, I had a whole lot to do with this."

It was 9am, I had 3 pills of oxy and 2 beers in my blood. My wife was out of town, but social media snooping had just confirmed my wife was banging her co-worker. My kid was at school and I had to pick him up in 6 hours. I had called into work and really didn't care about the fallout. It was 9am, and I was high as fk. And it clicked. I poured the pills into my garbage disposal, backed it up with all the alcohol in the house, and hit the switch. I took a shower and tried to get mentally ready to experience physical need in a way I had never, ever, known before. I remember thinking that I couldn't wait to get a year of not using behind me. Guess what, looks like I didn't have to wait, I had to get to work. One year, drug free. That's a whole lot bigger than her... its the size of me. Its one bigger thing.

The fight for self. Winning at it and realizing it ain't bragging. Have you done something with your time that's bigger than her, bigger than him? Yeah, yeah you should have if your answer is no. You're bigger than all that. Go do something that's the size of you.