Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 9

[james17]

Today was a hard day, I still wait for remorse to show one day. WH has these moments where he looks down and I see his mind swirling but I am not sure what he's actually thinking. I wish I could talk to a recovered WS and ask them what made it sink in? I ask myself when does waiting on WH to be ready to face the affair turn into rug sweeping? I avoid talking about OW and the affair right now so I can give us time to start feeling positive emotions. I am able to feel love for him, to feel warmth and desire. I can feel regret and sorrow for the pain I've caused him in the past. He says ILY and had been asking what I need. I just sense he isn't ready to hear the honest answer of what I will need to fully rebuild our M, I need to see he realizes that the affair was 100% on him, that his behavior before and afterward were awful and not justifiable. I want a deep felt apology and I need to hear it more than once. Interestingly enough I no longer feel the rage and anger when I think about him not expressing remorse yet. I just feel so sad. I feel sad that I will know that he shared something sacred and special with another woman while I was completely unaware. That he proposed to her and was excited when she said yes. My heart...it's literally physically and emotionally broken. I do think we could have a beautiful marriage, better than before. But I am not sure if WH will ever have the ability to face the monster he became during the affair. The question is, can I accept that?

Hi PsySara,

I am a wayward husband who realized his error and is trying to reform. I'm not qualified to give advice, but you asked for someone's perspective as the recovered WS, and I hope that my story can help.

In my case, my wife and I fought all the time, we both grew up in tough environments and had issues. But it was me that had an emotional affair when I traveled. I came back and told me wife I wanted a divorce, and when she wanted to work on things, I was mean and yelled at her. She also blamed me for a lot of things, and yelled at me as well. But for the most part, I was in a fog and cruel to her. A few things she did lifted the fog a little bit. She started being nicer to me, and moved out to live with her family for a few months. We still stayed in contact every day on Skype. she said she wanted to stay friends. when she said she regretted some of the things she did to make our marriage difficult, my heart softened a little more. However, even when I was alone, and had pushed away all my friends and family in a downward spiral of shame and guilt, I was in a fog. Eventually she moved on, and was interested in another man. I was jealous, but again, I still didn't think I wanted to be with her. Finally, when I went to a meditation retreat, I realized what an a$$ I had been and begged her forgiveness, crying, trying to change. She never forgave me, and was still angry, persecuting me while we tried to piece together our marriage. I tried to do everything I could to make her happy, but i think she didn't see enough and it was too late, and still couldn't forgive me and eventually left me for OM. Not sure if this means she is WW now or just gone. Anyways, after she left, I began to get therapy, taking a hard look at myself, and started doing a lot of inner work to try to be a better person. I think perhaps this is the level of reform and repentance that you are perhaps looking for. So I think at the end of it, I think that two things that really helped push me into reform were: 1. her showing detached kindness to me 2. her moving on for real, so that I had to fend for myself
every situation is different, and in other situations, these might have the opposite of intended affect, but this is what pushed me. it was a long road for me. (1.5 years) anyways, hope that helps. you seem like a really kind and strong person. I hope it all works out for you.