How is the meditating going? I am finding if I can catch crazy thoughts and then meditate it helps break the cycle of them a bit and calms me a little.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Quote: I was/am having a really hard time. I wanted to open my mouth so bad. H is acting really blah/depressed??? Or is it my imagination? Or is it me? He's not talking much and I'm taking it very personally. I wanted to crazy-make so bad b/c I feel like I want attn. so bad. Last night I think he was trying to joke around and tease me and stuff (facetiously), but it just wasn't funny to me and I ended up asking if he was crabby. He said no. I just wanted some niceties, but he seemed like he was "in his head." I don't know if it's b/c of the weather, his mom, his back, who knows-could be a million reasons.
You don't know! So quit assuming. I know that I crazymake when I get all sorts of ideas in my head that may or may not be true. Either way, the crazymaking is wrong, and it will not help you in any way.
Quote: I just feel like we clash a lot of the time. Like, I want to tell him something I think is funny, but he's not interested. I want some mush and gush, but have to "wait" for it. Then I think I am sick of waiting and start getting mad at him, forgetting that it is me that keeps pushing HIM away!!
Stop. Be yourself. He married you for a reason. You are scaring yourself away from your true self, and if you're not going to be your true self, who are you going to be? And how can you have a relataionship with anyone???
You are putting too many what-ifs on yourself. Stop analyzing his reactions. As I like to say, Just "be." And, get busy with something! You are thinking too hard. Step away from it for a bit!!!! You have NO IDEA what he's thinking. Stop guessing. This seems to be a trigger for you.
Oooh, sorry if that's all harsh. I was just trying to be direct! I know that I do the same things, and I know that I had to learn to stop doing it. It really is as simple as saying, "this will not get me what I want in the long run." Willpower!
PamelaC, Hi, don't worry about being too harsh, thanks! But, how do I be myself if I want to talk about stuff w/him and he blatantly acts like he doesn't care or says sarcastically, "that's nice?" We just talked about not having things to talk about, so I'm trying to have convo's with him, but they end abruptly with his one word responses or "that's nice." What do I do in this sit? He said that he wanted to work on this, and it looks to me like he is acting more and more like his dad. Very non-responsive and uninterested. Bleh...there I go finding something else to bitch about.
I make these things in my head into becoming deal-breakers. ie think, "well, if we're never going to be able to talk, or he's just gonna be like his dad, then I don't want to be with him..."
He used to do more stuff with his friends, now a couple of his friends have petered out and I'm doing more w/mine. so, I'm feeling guilty again for no reason. h is the one who thought i should do more w/o him and be less dependent on him.
**trouble: Who AM I???
Of course, I want to have more involvement w/him. We are planning to take a few local bicycle tours over the summer...thought we were getting somewhere.
OK, OK, I have NO patience!!! Came across some old emails of him being mushy and it's making me really sad. will i ever see that man again??
First of all, it's o.k. You're venting here, which is good.
Secondly, I think you are assuming too much. He's not interested? He's being sarcastic? Are you SURE about this, or are you putting your own perceptions on him???
PLEASE get rid of the guilt for doing just what he told you to do! I had a problem like this. My H wanted me to spend money on myself. I couldn't bring myself to do it! I felt like I was doing evryone a favor if I spent on them, not me. I thought he should be happy if I was saving money! Not so. I MADE myself start spending on me. He's as happy as anything! (and I look tons better!) Karen, your H is telling you what he wants. Listen.
The talking will come, in time. Ease up a bit. You're going thru a lot right now. Let's work on trying to not be a crazymaker anymore first. The rest will come...really!
Hey Karen, I've seen you post on other threads and I may have posted to you well in the beginning, nonetheless, I'm here now. I would have thought after reading about the crazymaking on the Friends thread that you would have slowed down a bit but it doesn't appear that way (unless I don't know enough about you).
You've been in C and you've been reading, have you gotten any solid advice from any of that that you should be focusing on? I mean if your H is ok w/M, why the insecurity? Just coz he doesn't talk a lot doesn't mean he's not interested. You've read the books, it's part of their personality. Have you ever tried to set up a specific time to sit and talk w/him regularly? That could break the ice a little and possibly get him to interact in the future on a regular basis.
I read somewhere that some folks try and schedule time for just them to talk, say 15 minutes after dinner, before bed, in the morning, etc...whichever is better for you two. Actually, whichever is more doable for your H would be best. Have you asked him to do this? WHy not try something like that. Let him know that you would like input from him other than one or two words coz it helps keep your feelings in control? just an idea....
Seems to me that you are pushing to "start" something that is not really there (i.e. WAS). Another option might be to write down your questions, thoughts and then you'll see how they may seem silly or dwindle after a day or two. I did this a lot in the beginning and it helped me to really get to what I really wanted to discuss instead of minor chitchat and H was more apt to respond.
Hope I could shed some insight for you. Tootles......
Yes, I am making a lot of ASSumptions. He's sarcastic a lot. He says it's his way of playing (and, no, there is no mean intent behind it). It's just that I take him seriously and/or get offended. I know that it **works** to KNOW that he is kidding and to play back. It's like I can dish it out, but I can't take it.
It just LOOKS like he is not interested. He doesn't have much to say unless it is some area that he feels more confident in. He doesn't care to hear about my dogs, and I'm not so sure about church stuff. I have told him that I would like to talk to him about God and what He means to me, but not in a trying to convert him way.
I think this ties into crazy making in that I ALWAYS find soemthing "wrong" with him or our r to bi. about. As he once put it, "it's always something. " And he's right. I just move from one topic to another, be it sex, money, lack of comm'n, lack of WOA, him spending more time w/his friends, etc. The list goes on and on and on and on and on...
Karen, I crazy make on a regular basis-at least once a week. So, for me to actually go a weekend w/o starting something is a big deal. Yes, I am SLOW!!! I have said a bajillion times that I know WHAT to do and what NOT to do, but I continue to do the opposite. (saboteur.)
We actually spend a lot of time together, so it's not that we don't have the time to talk. We don't have kids, and we are usually together 4-5 nights of the week. A couple of the challenges about having convos are that he does not want to talk about his job, and I really don't want to talk much about mine. (maybe 15 min). So, if all we do is go to work and come home, what do we talk about? He says he's not one for small talk (he is shy, not a real convo. maker), but, he does know HOW to talk.
Sometimes we watch movies, or read, sometimes we play games/cards...so, it doesn't require a lot of convo, and we have some good laffs.
He hangs out in the kit. when I cook and he helps a lot too. We really don't spend much time apart when we are both at home.
However, I just like more stimulus!! I hate sitting and watching tv. I've been climbing at the gym, and we've been hiking & biking together when it is nice out.
Yes, I do think that I am pushing something that isn't there just yet. I so want our r to be diff., but yet, I don't seem to do the work which requires patience and discipline to get there.
I am afraid to believe that things will change and that I might actually be happy. stupid i know, but...
And, I have SEEN the evidence that things DO get better when I DB. And he has even told me that things will get better from his side if I treat him better. He does have hope and says that he "has it for me," he's just gotten so emotionally closed off b/c of me slamming the door in his face so many times.
He really does have a great heart to give, but I'm so frickin' scared to give my own! I know it's not right of me and selfish...he deserves to be treated really well!
Hey Karen - WOW - I got emotionally exhausted just reading your complete thread - you must burn up a lot of calories You sound like a lovely lady with very high standards - and that you are always trying your best to meet these high standards, and expect those around you to do the same. Can be very tiring for you and everyone else As a recent convert from control-freak-land, I can testify that the path of lesser mortals is far more enjoyable, and more appealing
Quote: I think this ties into crazy making in that I ALWAYS find soemthing "wrong" with him or our r to bi. about. As he once put it, "it's always something. " And he's right. I just move from one topic to another, be it sex, money, lack of comm'n, lack of WOA, him spending more time w/his friends, etc. The list goes on and on and on and on and on...
Yup, the lament of a perfectionist. How about some goals, Karen? Something along the lines of - I will find 3 good things about H everyday, and compliment him sincerely. Or I will give thanks for 2 good things in my R. Kinda reduces the time (and energy) you may have for finding things that are wrong maybe? Not sure if you have tried the path of goals in a previous thread, just thought it worth a shot You are a wonderful human being, love yourself, my friend. Hugs, Slowly
Hi Slowly, Good ideas! I think that I do thank and compliment him a lot...he's not big on words, and he's more interested in my "showing" him love ie trusting him and getting along.
So, I can list 3 positives!
1. I decided not to go to my nephew's bday party b/c of not being sure if coming down with something or not. H called me about making arrangements going out w/a group of friends Sat. I told him I wasn't going to party. (He & my sis & BIL don't talk to each other.) H did not make plans to go out w/a friend. I called later b/c I went to the lib. on the way home from work. I asked if he was going out. He said no since I wasn't going to the party. I said that he didn't have to not go anywhere on my account, but was pleased.
2. H was stroking my hair for a little bit while on the couch. He does usually touch my shoulder or head, but I LOVE when he strokes my hair.
3. H conferred with me about plans w/friends sat.
We got along fine last night. He was talkative as I made dinner, we were both affectionate and huggy in between. He is definitely getting sick.
Things are ok over here. H is sick. Last night made din. and watched tv.
++ H did a bunch of laundry and dishes yesterday on his day off. H put some more money down on our bicycles. I didn't make any crazy.
So, I'm really making an effort not to crazy-make, however, I was thinking on the way to work. I feel kind of blase' and so what I came up with is that I don't feel "close" to h if there is not some kind of stimulus going on. I think that feeling emotionless means having no emotions, even though I know that that's not true.
It makes perfect sense to me. And I have to point out a big gain for you: the fact that you actually contemplated what that meant to you.
Now that you see you don't need the drama to permit yourself to feel good, what are you going to replace it with? The fact is, you really need to fill that time you would have spent crazymaking with something affirming or soothing... and yes, I'm talking a reward of sorts.
That's the first step in change, Karen--recognizing why you're feeling that way. Excitement isn't always good, you know. And living on adrenaline isn't good for you either.
Awesome!
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
will i ever see that man again?? 
You sound like a lovely lady with very high standards - and that you are always trying your best to meet these high standards, and expect those around you to do the same. Can be very tiring for you and everyone else 
As a recent convert from control-freak-land, I can testify that the path of lesser mortals is far more enjoyable, and more appealing 
You are a wonderful human being, love yourself, my friend. Hugs, Slowly