A WW? (7)

[lt0402]

Thanks for checking up on me FG and cheesyt. To tell you the truth I feel exhausted and frustrated right now. I've been trying to combat that with gym time but it means I need to wake up at 5am everyday so no time in the evenings to post on here as of late.

I'm getting very tired of things the way they are right now with my W. She has been very agitated the past week or so and it's wearing on me. I'll post an update tomorrow with what's been going on with my last week or so. Just need to get some sleep this evening and recharge.

Don/MV/Gordie, I'll respond tomorrow to your posts. Sorry for not replying sooner. But high level I think I'm going to have a conversation this weekend with my W laying out what I need. Not to pressure her or to force her to act/react but more because I think it needs to be said and the status quo needs to be challenged.

I look back at what I was telling my W before we settled into this limbo. I told her I was unwilling to go back to a M that was like it was before (us avoiding each other and her being angry all the time). Now its fully her avoiding me and being angry. I can't control that, but I can tell her that I need a partner who wants to be with me. To keep my word and be true to myself I need to force us out of his horrible limbo.

High level, I think it's something like this:

"Last weekend you told me that we can't even have a conversation with each other. When I asked you what was keeping us from conversing, you didn't answer and just stared off into space. I can see that you're not happy right now. I'm also not happy right now. Im not ok with either one of us being in an unhappy situation.

During this whole thing I've said I'm not willing for us to go back to a M like it was before. I need a partner who enjoys being with me. I need someone who is willing to let me love them and who loves me back. I do love you but I refuse to live like this."

Something like that pretty much and just go from there. IC thinks I need to up the level of challenge with her as this is moving at a glacial pace. I agree, as I'm unwilling to live like this with someone who in all honesty is acting like a brat. IC says with an uppage in challenge I also need to increase my support. So I'll work on that too.

Right now I see two paths. One is that I grind out this existence until D goes to college and W then pushes the S and D. Two is that I push back on her and we either S and D right now, or we make some progress. The second option is really the only one that has any chance of a positive outcome.

So that's my dilemma but the choice seems obvious to me. It's tough to get up the nerve to have that conversation but I know I can get through it unemotionally. I've had one hell of a brutal training course in handling that stuff the past 7 months.

It still frightens me to think of my time with my D being broken up. But I just don't see how I could be the best parent I can be if W is going to be this horribly negative presence in our lives for the next 9 yrs. D deserves better and so do I.

I'll post some more tomorrow. Sorry I've been absent. I really just had to get away for a bit. Know that each and every one of you is appreciated more than you'll ever know.