Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 9

[PsySara]

CT,
I think this terrible and profound journey has made me look very hard at myself. I had some truly awful maladaptive coping mechanisms and serious anger issues. I thought I had them under control but my WH's affair had me regressing and resuming past behaviors. I feel deep shame thinking of how I reacted following BD #1.

Painter,
Thank you so much for the cheer leading! It's great to know there are people supporting the piecing process.

I had to come home late today as I was dealing with a delicate situation at work. It really drained me and triggered some of the feeling surrounding the affair. WH was getting ready for work when I got home, he was dealing with a bad headache too. He asked me about my day and I told him some of the details. He looked pensive and asked how I was doing, I told him I would be alright. He was running late so he couldn't really chat so we said goodnight and I took care of the kids and he left.

Today was a hard day, I still wait for remorse to show one day. WH has these moments where he looks down and I see his mind swirling but I am not sure what he's actually thinking. I wish I could talk to a recovered WS and ask them what made it sink in? I ask myself when does waiting on WH to be ready to face the affair turn into rug sweeping? I avoid talking about OW and the affair right now so I can give us time to start feeling positive emotions. I am able to feel love for him, to feel warmth and desire. I can feel regret and sorrow for the pain I've caused him in the past. He says ILY and had been asking what I need. I just sense he isn't ready to hear the honest answer of what I will need to fully rebuild our M, I need to see he realizes that the affair was 100% on him, that his behavior before and afterward were awful and not justifiable. I want a deep felt apology and I need to hear it more than once. Interestingly enough I no longer feel the rage and anger when I think about him not expressing remorse yet. I just feel so sad. I feel sad that I will know that he shared something sacred and special with another woman while I was completely unaware. That he proposed to her and was excited when she said yes. My heart...it's literally physically and emotionally broken. I do think we could have a beautiful marriage, better than before. But I am not sure if WH will ever have the ability to face the monster he became during the affair. The question is, can I accept that?

Of course this all mental ruminations as I am just raw from triggering events today. Tomorrow is a new day and I will probably be better after a good night's rest.