I am sitting here at work and I have a pit in my stomach knowing that I am going to leave soon and return home to this madness. I feel physically ill thinking about it. When I have feelings like this it makes me wonder how much more of this I can take. But that is another discussion for another time.
I am very appreciate of your evaluation and input regarding the conversation in my S's room. I am certain I could have done it better. I know I have a lot of room for improvement. This is all new and I am trying. How I handled it is a first for me. Prior to learning and growing and accepting I would have responded to H very differently (and it wouldn't have been good). I see progress on my side of the street. It may be teeny tiny, but it's there.
Of course that is not to say I didn't want to just "go off" on him. Part of me did.
I think his statements about tagging along with my friend and my parents was just to bait me. I fully expect him to back off of wanting to do that. It would be way too uncomfortable for him and he can't face my parents and he hasn't seen any of my friends since BD.
I feel like the only reason he is trying to spend time with S now is because he knows there will be issues regarding custody time/visitation. All of which translates into how much child support he will have to pay. The more time he gets, the less he has to pay. Pure and simple. He's denied it, but why wait until S is nearly 20 months old to start doing things with him and planning outings.
I do feel he is totally gaslighting me with respect to OW. (What he is doing is gaslighting, isn't it?) And it does cause me to doubt myself and what I know, heard, and seen. I feel so much anger and resentment over that. How dare he make me doubt myself. Why do they do this? I don't understand.
