MLC? Maybe you can tell me...

[Bird]

Expectations is definitely something I'm working on. Honestly I expected once he was gone for a few weeks that he would show up going "what did I just do?", instead I found out he's really probably with OW. So expectations hit me like a hammer. I need to learn Expectations and Detachment, and fast.

He's definitely stuck. He went through something similar on a far smaller scale about 15 years ago. Was reading all these books like "What color is your parachute" trying to figure out what he wanted out of life. I feel like that might be an undercurrent. Just general dissatisfaction, but maybe that's also the depression poking around.

The other trait I'm seeing with him that's different for "standard" MLC is that he isn't nasty or angry. He's more...despondent. Extreme martyr. I guess if he takes all the blame for everything that's happening that he's somehow absolved? He is just completely checked out. He claims to feel awful at the loss of our relationship, he claims to have cried and still cries over it. And then in the next breath tells me he's thinking of asking OW out (pretty sure they're already together but he's going to deny that to the bitter end). But that he knows this is "the right thing" and we'll all be happier. That I deserve someone who is inspired to be a good husband and he just isn't. He's right, I'm well aware of what I deserve. I just know that guy is still in there, somewhere.

Having said that, he gaslighted me a little the other night when I was trying to get him to be honest about OW. Our marriage counselor got him stuck on the idea of "telling his truth". I guess he's working on being honest with himself but not necessarily with me. So part of the text he sent the other night went "Since you are wanting me to deliver truth which I am trying to be with myself...my truth is that I don't think focusing on who I or you may date has any value at all. I have spoken to Monica and learned more about her recently. And I may decide it makes sense to ask her out. Or maybe not. But by mentioning that I'm guessing that will be all that's taken away." I'm not sure if it's gaslighting or victim blaming, but that last sentence set my teeth on edge. He can't have any idea how painful it is to read something like that from your mate.

I just don't get it. If you're sad to lose our relationship and you feel so awful, why not put some effort into reconnecting and keeping it? We had a good life. Great kids, best friends, mutual respect. Why not try to hang on to that?

He should have the separation agreement in his hands by now, but I haven't heard anything from him or my attorney about it...