Gordie: I'll answer questions about me, but think you should talk to your mom regarding questions about her.
This is basically answering the question without answering the question... in a sense throwing your W under the bus. I totally get it, you have been wronged and those of us who have been wronged ... in the worse way mind you... want validation, we want that shining armor and everyone to say .. hey look he is a stand up guy what she did was wrong. Just does not work that way now does it, so even on the subconscious level we imprint things in ourselves and those close to make sure its all out on the table .... here is the problem with that:
Certain things can not be unsaid, unseen nor undone. When it comes to the kids we as the LBS become even more angry, its not just our lives that were torn to shreds, little Billy/Sally will never know what a normal life and family will be due to our MLCrs selfishness .... not many of us voice this here but I do not think I am alone in at the least thinking it .... but you know what happens ... we continue to fill our personal resentment bucket and it will eventually spill over and now its us .. the ones who are not in crisis (well not the MLC version of one anyways) .. we are to be the rock, we are the stable one, the voice of reason and if we allow this resentment to spill over and effect our children we are missing a chance to stop this cycle. I am of the opinion this MLC crisis is passed down from generatiion to generation, dig deep I bet you will discover some turmoil/trauma from the MIL/FIL.
I know for me I will do all I can to shield my son from repeating this horrible history. If that means taking it on the chin and missing out the chance to be a martyr then so be it. I arrived to this conclusion on a nice sunny day as my then 8 year old asked me "Dad, what is a ho?" I answered refering to the garden tool and he corrected me and said "no .. the other kind of ho... Noah told me a Ho is a woman who has more than one man" Stopped me in my tracks, we are still talking about the mother of my child and the fact he would see her in that light disturbed me to no end. So I explained what the term meant and pounded the fact that his mother was not to be considered this.
With the kids sometimes you need to stand your ground as a parent and simply tell them certain things are not as they seem, they are much more complicated than one would think. Think about all of us here in MLC land ... to the majority out there whom have no understanding they would never come close to understanding what most of us have been exposed to nor how to deal with it. Do we educate them? No ... unless you have seen MLC happen to a loved one you are just not going to understand it.
Protect your children, at some point regardless of the M... regardless if you reconcile or not do not take their mother/father from them by causing unrepairable damage more than the MLCr is causing themselves ... the relationship they have with the kids is solely on them .. good/bad its their circus/monkeys ... mess to clean up when they get there. For me my S just this week informed me that his mom and him are really forming a much better relationship, similar to what he an dI have had .... regardless of the sitch this made me smile knowing I have not allowed this crisis to destroy what should be a good relationship between my MLCr and my son provided she ever wants that (again between the two of them)
I know it hurts, you are the grown up here, you are the rock, the one who can think logically ... not the MLCr ... be that person and take one for the team ... you will be grateful later on regardless of the end result with your M
