Wife has filed for divorce

[ngs]

Thank you, all of your post was spot on...and I'm learning a lot of this now from my wife because since she filed for divorce these things are coming out when she just buried everything in the past.

Just because you had a "WTF" moment, doesn't mean that she has to also at the same time.

Yes she has told me a few times over that last 4 years that "she can't just flip a switch" so exactly what you are saying.

It coms down to control. The majority of your marriage was under YOUR control. You decided to act the way you did irregardless of whether or not it hurt others and having an affair is the ULTIMATE form of control.

Financially I always realized I was controlling because we were single family income, never realized I was controlling on our entire marriage, I felt like she did things that she wanted to do however those were things for our family that she did, not doing things for herself for fear that I wouldn't be happy about it.

And I never thought of the affairs as controlling, just realizing how controlling I have been all these years and reading your post is making me more aware of that. I have been controlling with my actions, my anger, my own unhappiness with myself.

Your wife went through guilt through both thinking there was something wrong with her. Now she feels empowered and finally in control of her own life as opposed to you pulling the strings. Is there really any wonder why she wants to get away?

I am resigned to going through with the divorce, I have realized it is inevitable. She does feel in control of her own life now but won't feel in complete control until the divorce is final and everything is settled. We will still be living together for sometime after that however because she will still not be financially independent.

You have to be sympathetic and understanding and show true remorse in a way that she accepts.

This is where I'm lost and my biggest struggle because I feel as though no matter how I act or what I do she is just angry either way, however I have gotten better at sandi's rules and after she unloaded again on me about a week ago and we just finished our pre-trial conference last week and told the kids we are getting a divorce things have been calmer, she seems a little less irritated being around me. After the pre-trial we went out for drinks and food, she asked me if I wanted to, we had a decent time...might be the last time we do that together.

I think the only way I can show sympathy, understanding and true remorse is through acceptance of the divorce as being what needs to happen for her to begin to heal and be happy.

Next step in our process is meeting with a mediator in a few weeks.

Thanks again Mr. Bond for your insight.

[MrBond]

"I'm learning a lot of this now from my wife because since she filed for divorce these things are coming out when she just buried everything in the past."

Really? You really didn't think that cheating was going to hurt her and your family? You didn't think that as a role model for your kids, that behavior will forever remain with them?

"I think the only way I can show sympathy, understanding and true remorse is through acceptance of the divorce as being what needs to happen for her to begin to heal and be happy."

That's not how you show sympathy. It shows resignation. Remorse is something that is in your control. It's something that you show. And it takes time. You just sound like you want a magic bullet to fix things NOW even though you took 17 years to destroy it.

[ngs]

Really? You really didn't think that cheating was going to hurt her and your family? You didn't think that as a role model for your kids, that behavior will forever remain with them?

Yes I knew the cheating hurt her deeply, she has just never shared her feelings with me on specifically how it affected her emotionally until the last couple of months after filing. How she never felt in control of her own life, she stayed out of fear financially, she only stayed because of the kids, the emotional turmoil she has gone through, she should have left me years ago but felt stuck, and so many other things she has recently told me. It is absolutely sickening to me the pain I have caused my wife and it always has been sickening to me what I have done.

That's not how you show sympathy. It shows resignation. Remorse is something that is in your control. It's something that you show. And it takes time. You just sound like you want a magic bullet to fix things NOW even though you took 17 years to destroy it.

I am not looking for a magic bullet, I know that it will be a long road for a recovery of our marriage if it were to happen. She has told me that she does not want to spend the next 5-10 years working on our marriage and I understand that. I have expressed remorse, I promised that I would be faithful, truthful & trustworthy (and I have been) and apologized for many years following. She had told me long ago that my being sorry doesn't matter anymore to her.


She has told me that divorce is her only option for herself to get healthy and be happy and that she is definitely going through with it. Divorce will give her control back over her life, because she was independent when we met and she wants to get back to being independent again. So for me we are divorcing, I have to accept that's what she needs to heal. Even after divorce we will still be living together for quite sometime because of finances, kids and other factors until we figure out how to physically separate. I will continue to work on myself as I have been for quite sometime and that will not stop and I am always here if she were decide to possibly try to work on our relationship.

[MrBond]

"I promised that I would be faithful, truthful & trustworthy (and I have been)"

Maybe now but you weren't before the second time. That's why she distrusts you. I understand why she feels like the D is what she needs but in the end it doesn't solve anything. All she's doing is running away and that resentment for you is going to turn to anger and hatred. What are some ways you can be a safe place for her?

Have you gotten the books yet?

[ngs]

I understand why she feels like the D is what she needs but in the end it doesn't solve anything. All she's doing is running away and that resentment for you is going to turn to anger and hatred. What are some ways you can be a safe place for her?

Yes this is what I have thought about too and talked about with my counselor, that if we still don't work through some of our issues even if we divorce, for herself she will still be holding on to the anger and resentment she has towards me. And wonder how we will still be able to raise our kids together but separately if she continues to feel this way.

W has been saying for 7 months now that she intends to go back for IC but has yet to do that. W has agreed to go to a family counselor to help us work together for the kids because it was a FOC recommendation so I told her I was going to work with my Ins. to make an appt. and she said there was no need to start that yet.

As far as being a safe place for her, I struggle with because she wants nothing to do with me and hates being around me. One thing I have been doing though and will continue to do is make her feel at ease speaking her mind around me, because I don't get angry or defensive anymore. And I feel that her telling me all these things that she has bottled up over all these years maybe helping her a little bit that she's able to express them.

Going through the divorce process if I acted like I had in the past I would be angry, mopey, retreat, ect. around the house which is what I'm sure she was expecting. But I'm not at all, she knows I don't want the divorce but I'm treating it like its just something we have to get through and I'm not doing anything to make her feel guilty about it.

Also I don't stress and get angry about finances anymore, I always used to be stressed trying to figure how we were going to pay bills, ect. on just my income because money was always tight, still is I just deal with it proactively now rather than worry and stress. So there is now very little tension regarding finances.

I don't know if that is what you had in mind about being a safe place for her, but it is what I can do with where we are at to make her feel she can be in this home around me and not have to worry about me being angry about anything despite the situation.

I have a counseling appt. this week so being a safe place for my W is something I'll be able to talk through then also.

Have you gotten the books yet?

I have had DR for 8 months and have read and been using it. I don't have DB should I get that even though I have DR?

[Dawgs]

I don't have DB should I get that even though I have DR?

The books are great and I have read both. But, unfortunately, they didn't help with my situation. Instead of helping, it caused further flight. Just remember that everyone is different and reacts differently.

[MrBond]

You don't just read the books. You apply and especially make goals.

[MrBond]

Still here?

[Dawgs]

Maybe now but you weren't before the second time. That's why she distrusts you. I understand why she feels like the D is what she needs but in the end it doesn't solve anything. All she's doing is running away and that resentment for you is going to turn to anger and hatred. What are some ways you can be a safe place for her?

Adultery is a very, very difficult pill to swallow. For some, they could never trust that person again. Some adopt the attitude of looking the other way as long as they have their husband/wife - which is a very unhealthy thing to do. And the fact that it was done a second time lends people to follow the "burned once, burned twice" routine.

This is the time for you to become the absolute best person you can. Not for her or in hopes of winning her back, but for your own self. Fair winds and following seas, my friend.

[ngs]

Still here?

Yes still here...The only time I am able to get on is at work as my STBXW is usually home or if she isn't I'm spending my time with the kids. I haven't been to work since last week due to a death in the family.

Nothing much new, have a mediation meeting next week and divorce will be final May 2nd. I have been busy with kids activities which is every night of the week and Saturdays, continue to work out and get out every Thursday night for poker.

R is the same, wife hates being in the same house as me although she seems a little less angry towards me lately but there is still always tension no matter what. She hates Friday's because I am home because I work 4 days a week and those are the days she either avoids me or lets her anger out. I still just try to do the best in the situation I can, validate her feelings allow her to express her frustration and anger. A lot of times it is things I've done in the past or minor things that happen in the present that bring up feelings of the past and this is the reason she is going through with the divorce.