Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #8]

[JRuss]

FG -- Sorry to hear about the house not working out. But very glad to hear you're to the point where you can think of your future, even if only briefly, and not hate or fear what you see. That took a long, long time for me, and I still veer into bad patches, but it does keep coming back, especially now that we're down to picking over old furniture and cookware, and she's more concerned about that stuff and how she'll cope financially (she has actually sought sympathy from me!) than she is with the loss of time she'll have with her kids. Just sort of gross and definitely not attractive or someone I'd want to be with.

Another thing that helped was finally talking to the kids. By all appearances, they're doing ok with it, and that has really freed me up to start thinking maybe this isn't the end of the world. I know how hard I tried. As do they.

[PsySara]

How are you doing? Can you please list three great things about yourself here? Because you are great, you know that? Tell us how you've hanged yourself for the better while DBing and GAL.

[maly]

How are you doing? Can you please list three great things about yourself here? Because you are great, you know that? Tell us how you've hanged yourself for the better while DBing and GAL.

Hiya,I think my best 3 are,visiting friends,cycling,cooking,this site and all you good folks of course,

[ForGump]

Tell us how you've changed yourself for the better while DBing and GAL.

Great question, Sara.

I think the biggest thing I learned from DB and this forum is detaching and GAL. It's been immensely helpful to do that for just surviving this awful time, but I think it's been a healthy thing for me to work on just as an individual. I'm too much of a fixer/nice guy, and I need to let people succeed and fail on their own instead of jumping right in to try to help. And the flipside of that -- which is really the important thing for my personal growth -- is that I need to learn to feel content and satisfied with myself and by myself, without needing to be needed by someone. I'm definitely a work-in-progress and I think it's a life-long growth challenge, but I feel I've taken the beginning steps. I've yet to figure out how to balance that kind of emotional/existential independence from also being a good partner in a loving relationship.

The other thing that has been good is to invigorate and diversify my portfolio of GAL activities. I've always had a few things I did outdoors for myself but I've found that working more frequent GAL activities -- workouts, going out with friends -- is helping me be in a mentally healthier place.

Finally, I've learned how important validation is. Not just as a mere technique but as a way to sympathize and connect with someone. As I mentioned above, I have a tendency to want to jump right to fixing the problem. But most often people just want to be heard!

I have had a few friends around me (in real life) who have continually reminded me that I'm a good parent and a good guy, so that's been good to hear. Not to be full of myself, but I believe that I'm OK. And I feel good that I've done all I can and have hung on mostly to my honor and dignity.

[Dawgs]

But most often people just want to be heard!

One of the simplest, yet hardest things to learn...

[ForGump]

Journaling:

The dream house is back on! ... I think. I looked at a bunch of other rentals, and decided I need to adjust my expectations. Not a done deal yet but I'm hopeful.

Responded to my W's divorce petition, outlining my counter proposal. Thought there was a chance she'd flip her lid, but she was cordial in her response. Hopeful that we can arrive at an agreement and wrap it up, but there is always the possibility that it can devolve ... in which case we go to court-appointed mediation and, if that doesn't work, to court (at which point we'd have to hire lawyers). Given some of the stories I read here about hostile spouses, I am so far grateful that we are amicable on this front.

Finding that setting up a good parenting schedule is really hard. Tough to balance the desire/need to see our kids often, yet not subject them to have to switch homes so frequently.

[ForGump]

p.s. Also, a little surprised to read that in my state, courts are generally OK w/ parents moving away as much as 60 miles from home w/o court approval. If my W moved away 60 miles from here ... that would totally blow up our kids' worlds. Not saying she would, but just the theory of it! Imagine having to drive them an hour+ ever few days to go to another town. Ugh.

[Dawgs]

Gump,

Will there be any support involved?

Finding that setting up a good parenting schedule is really hard. Tough to balance the desire/need to see our kids often, yet not subject them to have to switch homes so frequently.

Yes it is. I really, really hate this part of things.

[Dawgs]

Also, a little surprised to read that in my state, courts are generally OK w/ parents moving away as much as 60 miles from home w/o court approval. If my W moved away 60 miles from here ... that would totally blow up our kids' worlds. Not saying she would, but just the theory of it! Imagine having to drive them an hour+ ever few days to go to another town. Ugh.

Wow. Until she retires, the ex is just over two hours away, so every other weekend we meet halfway. This really bites.

[CT1118]

Tough to balance the desire/need to see our kids often, yet not subject them to have to switch homes so frequently.

I bet you miss them all the time, I know I do. Our kids man, I know you are the best you can be for them FG. I have tried to picture your scene in my head many times over this past year you and I have spent in this place together. No idea if the images are true, but I like to think being with your kids brings moments of peace. So you said on my thread you better brace to hear some disheartening news, I hoped I could give you something good.