So I'm going to focus on being more positive, learning to communicate more effectively, being more approachable, rebuilding confidence, expressing affection better, expressing appreciation better, not stressing over trivial things.
OK. This is the first youve mentioned most of these things. And like Gordie said, I think it's a great list.
So. The hard part.
What are you going to DO in order to learn these new behaviors?
That is the hard part. It's not someone can teach you. There are no YouTube tutorial videos. It's going to be a lot of trial and error.
Being positive: Smile more. Don't focus on the negative of things. Think about the good things I have going for me.
Communicating more effectively: Specifically regarding my W, if we get to that point.. engage in daily open communication. Ask open-ended questions. Have uninterrupted "us" time to talk. No TV, no phones. Communicate wants, don't harbor anything internally.
Being more approachable: For my W but also in general.. be attentive, maintain eye contact, make it clear I'm engaged. Greet her warmly when she comes home (this is something she brought up via text on 1/15. There were times I'd be at the door to greet her happily but also times I'd stay in the office occupied with whatever I was doing. Can improve there)
Rebuilding confidence: Focus on healing from the pain from the affair. Prioritize my GALs.
Expressing affection better: Hold her hand, cuddle her, wrap my arm around her at the movies. The little things like that. Do it unselfishly and I'll be rewarded with my needs being met as well.
Expressing appreciation better: This is definitely an area for improvement. You get stuck in a routine and don't appreciate the little things. Just a quick "thank you" goes a long way to make someone know you care. Leave notes for her to find that express gratitude or compliments, things like that.
Not stressing over trivial things: Just focus on the bigger picture and realize the small stuff doesn't matter. No need to dwell on it. It isn't life and death so just move on.
Improving validation: I'm a fixer. I come up with solutions. Sometimes she'd probably rather just be heard and validated instead of me just coming up with answers to the problem.
I wish I had worked on these things sooner. I think a lot of this would have improved my sitch but who knows whether it would have prevented the affair. Some of it was maybe selfishness in that I wasn't getting these things, so why exert the effort if it isn't returned? She herself told me on 12/10 she needed to be with someone "who pushed her". I don't think she meant it in this context, more was about social situations and activities, but it still applies. If I took the first step and got us moving in a certain direction, she'd probably start to follow. So that is what I'll work on. If it benefits my marriage, great. If it benefits the next relationship, fine. But it will benefit me either way.
