Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #8]

[ForGump]

Tell us how you've changed yourself for the better while DBing and GAL.

Great question, Sara.

I think the biggest thing I learned from DB and this forum is detaching and GAL. It's been immensely helpful to do that for just surviving this awful time, but I think it's been a healthy thing for me to work on just as an individual. I'm too much of a fixer/nice guy, and I need to let people succeed and fail on their own instead of jumping right in to try to help. And the flipside of that -- which is really the important thing for my personal growth -- is that I need to learn to feel content and satisfied with myself and by myself, without needing to be needed by someone. I'm definitely a work-in-progress and I think it's a life-long growth challenge, but I feel I've taken the beginning steps. I've yet to figure out how to balance that kind of emotional/existential independence from also being a good partner in a loving relationship.

The other thing that has been good is to invigorate and diversify my portfolio of GAL activities. I've always had a few things I did outdoors for myself but I've found that working more frequent GAL activities -- workouts, going out with friends -- is helping me be in a mentally healthier place.

Finally, I've learned how important validation is. Not just as a mere technique but as a way to sympathize and connect with someone. As I mentioned above, I have a tendency to want to jump right to fixing the problem. But most often people just want to be heard!

I have had a few friends around me (in real life) who have continually reminded me that I'm a good parent and a good guy, so that's been good to hear. Not to be full of myself, but I believe that I'm OK. And I feel good that I've done all I can and have hung on mostly to my honor and dignity.