Same Sitch. New Approach. Motivated. Feeling Good.

[Chris73]

But at least 2 other men? We're not talking moral equivalency here, not by a long shot. She isn't a long-suffering WAW at this point; she crossed into WW territory some time ago and still lives there, and I just don't think you can mea culpa her back into your marriage at this point. Those rules of Sandi's -- that's where you want to be looking, I think.

Valid points JRuss. And the purpose of my post was certainly not to give my W a pass. It was really just an exercise that I used on Tuesday when I was feeling overly resentful. To try to look at things from her point of view because I felt like I was spending too much energy on my "holier than thou" attitude. After 45 minutes of non-stop journalling I read what I wrote and found it very helpful in softening my heart a little. So I thought sharing it here would help validate my feelings a bit more and possibly help those on the board who might be feeling the same way.

For me the idea of "lovingly detaching" means that I have to find a way to get rid of the resentful and all the other negative thoughts about my sitch that are pre-occupying my mind. These thoughts become obsessive and ruin my mood, which in turn affects my outward behavior. When these obsessive thoughts take over I find that there's no room for anything else.

So I continue to work on coping mechanisms to defuse these obsessive negative thoughts. There's really no way that I can make any GAL progress if I'm constantly hung up on, "where is she? what is she doing? who is she with? what is she thinking?"

I am still very guarded about if/how the relationship is going to be reconciled, but make no mistake, I am still fully committed to making it happen. I've done a lot of of wrestling with my ego, motivations, desires, and values over the past few weeks and I've come to the conclusion that the damage I've endured by my W's recent (and ongoing) behavior has not (yet) reached "deal breaker" status.

I have analyzed all of the logistical, financial, and emotional effects of dissolving my marriage and I want no part of it. It goes against my core principles. I will not help to facilitate a divorce in any way. It only takes one person to get a divorce, and that person won't be me.

On the subject of OM, my philosophy is this: Either she telling the truth (and there are no OM) or she's lying. Either way it's good for me because any relationship that is built on a foundation of lies and deception will never last. The minute she starts to try to legitimize an affair with me is when we'll have a problem.

Obviously this is personal decision that won't resonate with everyone and some of you might consider me a sucker or a doormat. And that's totally ok. I respect everyone's opinion on the board because the bottom line is that we're all here to try to help each other.

If the past 10 months have taught me anything it's that I don't need my W to be happy and I'm very excited about the GAL progress that I have made recently. But the reality is that I love my W very much, I want to stay married to her, and I want to keep my family intact.

A very wise person advised me that, "If you get to the point when you think you're DONE and ready to walk away... give it another year. Spend that year doing everything you can to improve yourself, fix your issues, and reconnect with your wife. Make it your top priority. When things seem hopeless remind yourself that you're not just doing this for your current relationship but for the next one as well."