Quote: It's about her growth as a person for her, irrespective of me. And for me like I said growth is mandatory.
I'm going to revisit this statement. It reads like you almost demand that someone grow with you to have your approval, am I correct? So, for instance, if a person was happy in their own self and didn't do things to "grow," do they get kicked to the curb for not following your wishes? Isn't that kind of a selfish thing?
Yes, that is correct. Not to have my approval, but to have a relationship with me yes. I'm growing because when I grow my spouse also reaps the benefits of my growth. I'm not interested in a relationship where my other half is not growing. _________________________
There have been LBS who would reconcile with the wayward spouse and then come to the realization their feelings had changed toward their WS, and some LBS even became the WAS. However, you are saying you still love her but you are not interested, unless she makes the effort to grow as a person.
How does that compare to (an example) couples who marry young, before their career paths are established? One spouse climbs the ladder of success as some type of business professional, while the other spouse remains a blue-collar worker. The professional has his/her circle of polished associates/social friends, and the blue-collar spouse has his/her circle of friends that doesn't exactly fit in with the group of professionals (and I mean no offense, blue-collar vs professional is not the topic here). How many MR's fail b/c one of the spouses feels the other one has not advanced or who is stagnet as an individual? There has been no affair, but they find themselves living separate lives, no longer have shared interests, and have emotionally grown apart.
In your stitch, I understand you are talking about inner growth as a person. Who could blame a betrayed spouse for setting the bar a little higher for the next relationship (be it with his W or a new person). My questions are about the mindset of the one who is moving forward. Are the results the same as those who just "grow apart" without any history of affairs, etc.? Do you feel superior to your W, as an individual.....b/c of your vast growth? Do you believe your motive is different from the scenero I gave? Do you feel justified, since you were the betrayed LBS?
I am asking so that I can learn from the ones who were severely hurt by their WS. Is this the same thing as those LBS who get back the WS.....and then they become resentful or experience other negative feelings toward the WS?
When you say you still love her........but. (I am not finding fault with you, OK?) Is this loving her differently than how you want to love a wife going forward? Does she know where you stand on her growth process? How does she feel about your attitude toward a future together?
If her repentance is authenic, then her emotional work on herself and on the MR is a painful process for her. She needs guidance and support. Understanding her process would probably benefit both of you. IMHO, it is critical for the couple to attend M healing after an affair therapy......b/c it is not that simple to mend as a "couple", when you dealing with issues as an individual.
I think you want to give encouragement to others here, which is great. I hope you will answer my questions and comment, so that we all can learn from it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
