WAW had an affair - hurt and confused

[Dawgs]

The problem is I was already attentive, already was an engaged listener, already was affectionate, already helped out plenty around the house.

Another big issue is my W doesn't think she has any problems, thinks she is perfect and projects everything onto me.

Hmmmmmmmmmm......

Yeah...that's a flag if there is ever one.

[brizz]

The problem is I was already attentive, already was an engaged listener, already was affectionate, already helped out plenty around the house.

Another big issue is my W doesn't think she has any problems, thinks she is perfect and projects everything onto me.

Hmmmmmmmmmm......

Yeah...that's a flag if there is ever one.

It's been a constant theme in the relationship. No more than a few weeks would go by without an argument, even if a small one, about something she did but denied. Reoccurring one would be how she doesn't listen. I'd realize she wasn't listening to me or maybe she'd say something in a conversation that I had just said, making it clear she wasn't paying attention. I'd call her on it but it was always that I talked too low, the TV was too loud, the dog was distracting her, she was reading something so I should know better than to be talking. Always an excuse.

One of the more recent ones was in November when she was driving us somewhere. She looked down at her cell phone for a second but in that moment the car ahead of us stopped abruptly. So I yelled, "watch out!" Even as she was hitting the brakes she was yelling, "Why are you yelling?!" I said, "Because you were looking at your phone and we were almost in a wreck!" She said, without missing a beat, "No, we were almost in a wreck because you yelled and scared me!" That perfectly sums up how nothing is ever her fault and she has always rewrote history, even 10 second old history.

That combined with how impressionable she is doesn't give me much hope for her wanting to work on the M. The validation she's getting from her mom and best friend based on the lies and manipulations she's telling them just steers her further away.

[MoveFrwd]

I think you might be missing my point.

You said these:

Not communicating on the bigger issues, not speaking her love language, needing to let the small things go.

were some things you were lacking. So I gave some suggestions of things you might investigate into working on.

Then your response was that:

The problem is I was already attentive, already was an engaged listener, already was affectionate, already helped out plenty around the house.

So, it seems to me that your wife isnt the only one doing this:

Another big issue is my W doesn't think she has any problems, thinks she is perfect and projects everything onto me.

At this time, Im much more interested to know how you are going to improve yourself than to hear more about why your W is to blame for this marriage failing.

[Gordie]

Agree with Kaizen...he said it more directly than I did...

[brizz]

I think you might be missing my point.

You said these:

Not communicating on the bigger issues, not speaking her love language, needing to let the small things go.

were some things you were lacking. So I gave some suggestions of things you might investigate into working on.

Then your response was that:

The problem is I was already attentive, already was an engaged listener, already was affectionate, already helped out plenty around the house.

So, it seems to me that your wife isnt the only one doing this:

Another big issue is my W doesn't think she has any problems, thinks she is perfect and projects everything onto me.

At this time, Im much more interested to know how you are going to improve yourself than to hear more about why your W is to blame for this marriage failing.

I touched on that in the same post you cherry-picked that quote from. My point was, a common theme I've seen on here is a lot of people have admitted they had completely checked out of and neglected the marriage entirely for some reason or another. While there is always room for improvement, I was definitely present in the marriage. But I want to be better to address whatever left the marriage vulnerable to an affair. I have my own ideas for things to work on but I've always valued my W's opinion so highly and I'm struggling to sift through the things she's said to find out what is valid and what is just her rewriting history. So I'm going to focus on being more positive, learning to communicate more effectively, being more approachable, rebuilding confidence, expressing affection better, expressing appreciation better, not stressing over trivial things. Things that I have control over. I can't control if she thinks everything is my fault and that she doesn't have anything to improve on. So I'll focus on myself so I'm a better and stronger person whether it's with her or without her. I've purchased DR and will begin reading it this weekend. I'm open to any other suggestions.

[Gordie]

That's a great list of things you want to improve about yourself. Keep reflecting and being open to what God/the universe/life has to show you. I can tell you my eyes keep opening to new things about myself that I didn't see before--things I wished weren't there to see in the first place--but alas, better that I see them now than continue to be blind to them. One month from now you will see new things, two months even more, etc.

[MoveFrwd]

So I'm going to focus on being more positive, learning to communicate more effectively, being more approachable, rebuilding confidence, expressing affection better, expressing appreciation better, not stressing over trivial things.

OK. This is the first youve mentioned most of these things. And like Gordie said, I think it's a great list.

So. The hard part.

What are you going to DO in order to learn these new behaviors?

[brizz]

So I'm going to focus on being more positive, learning to communicate more effectively, being more approachable, rebuilding confidence, expressing affection better, expressing appreciation better, not stressing over trivial things.

OK. This is the first youve mentioned most of these things. And like Gordie said, I think it's a great list.

So. The hard part.

What are you going to DO in order to learn these new behaviors?

That is the hard part. It's not someone can teach you. There are no YouTube tutorial videos. It's going to be a lot of trial and error.

Being positive: Smile more. Don't focus on the negative of things. Think about the good things I have going for me.

Communicating more effectively: Specifically regarding my W, if we get to that point.. engage in daily open communication. Ask open-ended questions. Have uninterrupted "us" time to talk. No TV, no phones. Communicate wants, don't harbor anything internally.

Being more approachable: For my W but also in general.. be attentive, maintain eye contact, make it clear I'm engaged. Greet her warmly when she comes home (this is something she brought up via text on 1/15. There were times I'd be at the door to greet her happily but also times I'd stay in the office occupied with whatever I was doing. Can improve there)

Rebuilding confidence: Focus on healing from the pain from the affair. Prioritize my GALs.

Expressing affection better: Hold her hand, cuddle her, wrap my arm around her at the movies. The little things like that. Do it unselfishly and I'll be rewarded with my needs being met as well.

Expressing appreciation better: This is definitely an area for improvement. You get stuck in a routine and don't appreciate the little things. Just a quick "thank you" goes a long way to make someone know you care. Leave notes for her to find that express gratitude or compliments, things like that.

Not stressing over trivial things: Just focus on the bigger picture and realize the small stuff doesn't matter. No need to dwell on it. It isn't life and death so just move on.

Improving validation: I'm a fixer. I come up with solutions. Sometimes she'd probably rather just be heard and validated instead of me just coming up with answers to the problem.

I wish I had worked on these things sooner. I think a lot of this would have improved my sitch but who knows whether it would have prevented the affair. Some of it was maybe selfishness in that I wasn't getting these things, so why exert the effort if it isn't returned? She herself told me on 12/10 she needed to be with someone "who pushed her". I don't think she meant it in this context, more was about social situations and activities, but it still applies. If I took the first step and got us moving in a certain direction, she'd probably start to follow. So that is what I'll work on. If it benefits my marriage, great. If it benefits the next relationship, fine. But it will benefit me either way.

[Gordie]

She said she didn’t want to wake up and be 40 and have not had kids or travelled. That she had nothing to look forward to. She asked me if I had goals in life, things I wanted.

brizz,

I keep coming back to this in your introduction and you haven't really addressed it. W's been married 8 years, is 33 years old and not getting younger, feels her biological clock is ticking...and she confides in her H that she doesn't want to wake up and be 40 with no kids...and you struggle with words to express how you are feeling...and she immediately shuts down the conversation.

I'm not a mind reader, but I'm guessing from the way you describe things that you didn't have kids and weren't trying and didn't have any discussions/plans on the table to do so...that was a really, really big deal to her...and she got the sense it wasn't a big deal for you. So she is seeing her peers having babies and maybe getting pressure from her mom to produce some grandchildren and is doing the math in her head (and has been for the past few years) about how much time she has left in the fertility department and thinking--OMG, my H doesn't even talk about having kids...what have I gotten myself into...and how do I get myself out?

[Dawgs]

I'm not a mind reader, but I'm guessing from the way you describe things that you didn't have kids and weren't trying and didn't have any discussions/plans on the table to do so...that was a really, really big deal to her...and she got the sense it wasn't a big deal for you. So she is seeing her peers having babies and maybe getting pressure from her mom to produce some grandchildren and is doing the math in her head (and has been for the past few years) about how much time she has left in the fertility department and thinking--OMG, my H doesn't even talk about having kids...what have I gotten myself into...and how do I get myself out?

That's a very, very valid point.