Well, after reading what you wrote I almost burst into tears. Not because you said anything bad or hurtful but I think it hit me that MY life hasn't been about me at all lately. That is quite a realization. I feel rather direction-less. Well, very direction-less. I've lost sight of myself, for sure.
I don't have a job and while I'm fine financially I don't have that to provide me any sort of goal(s) or direction. I don't pursue my hobbies, I think out of pure fear of failure. I daydream about going back to school but I can't decide whether that's what I want, whether I actually CAN do that, what I would study, where I'd go, how I'd do it... I can't seem to think it out. I've wanted to write a book forever, but I can't even figure out where to start so I don't.
I had been contemplating joining a gym for a couple months now and today I read what Maybell wrote and got up and went down to the closest gym for their free 7-day trial. I ran a couple miles and tinkered with a kettle bell and we'll see where that takes me. I just don't seem to have much stick-to-itiveness and I am not sure why.
To be fair, since D9 was born, I've never been able to be too encumbered because she was getting in trouble every single day (not an exaggeration) since she entered preschool at 2.5 years old. I'd have to drive down to school to pick her up or to soothe a tantrum or whatever. Now that she's in her current school and seems to progressively getting control of her behavior (knock on wood!!!), I'm realizing I can let go a little and maybe, just maybe be less "available just in case". D9 has only been in this school since October and I only started exhaling in December. I'll admit, I'm afraid of being "tied up" and then things go awry. I guess there's the risk of that all the time but...
I don't know what to do that's more like myself. I don't know where to begin or what any of this means, even. I guess I'm most lost than I thought and that's disheartening.
In other news, stbx was supposed to take D9 to her psych apt that has been on our shared calendar for over a month, an alert is set, etc. He "forgot". This is his MO. The freaking calendar is available 24/7 and has a freaking alert that dings before the event with plenty of time to say, "oh look, we have an appointment!". But no.
Why do I bother maintaining that calendar and setting an alert? It was a change for me to NOT remind him of the appointment but apparently I should have. GRRRR!
Previously known as ss06 Kid: D9 M: 12 yrs together 18 D final: pending
"These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb." - Najwa Zebian
