This used to be way easier - and a lot more fun!

[DonH]

Thank you everybody for you thoughts and comments - especially Maybell for digging up your list and posting it.

While I think I understand some of what you are all saying, I know I'm still not getting it with lots of other pieces. I also sence some of what I'm saying or how I'm saying it is causing confusion - For example the OLD piece. I agree very much with whatitis, which is why i pretty much gave up on OLD a while ago. Just mentioned it again to let everyone know I've tried it and got what I got ending in a whole lot of nothing. I also just tossed out that top of my head list of examples of mostly who I am and what I do's but I could just as well have listed women looking for someone who is honest, likes to hold hands, is a great kisser, enjoys going to sporting events or whatever. Those are actual examples I've seen posted and very much dis fine me. Even though I'd put all of these high on the list of who I am, even if they said they wanted these and little rise, I'd get back the "I don't think we're a match" if I got anything.

My first confusion then comes in you (Maybell) saying what people think they want, and thereby list, is only what they may think they want but not really want. If that's the case and they don't even know what they want, how the hell can I know what they want? All I can go on is what they say or write.

I believe I know very well what I want - I simply can't find it! I have a list much like yours in my head. This list is not nearly as much filled with blonde or tall or pretty as it is with honest, out-going, smart, conservative (or at least not liberal - sorry) likes to cuddle, kiss, hold my hand, etc. I can give you 15 or 20 more. I just can't find this or even get to know someone well enough to even figure them out.

I'm picky. I won't deny that. I want it all. If I can "give" on anything, it's looks. I don't care how hot or pretty or exactly my type she may be looks wise, if she is dumb as a box or can't carry a conversation, I just cant date her. To address the too picky concern I've been trying to give everyone a chance so I don't overlook someone. Turns out, they often don't want a chance.

The point you are making that I think I am getting is I'm looking too much at how they meet what I'm looking for rather than me looking at how I meet what they are looking for. Am I right? If so, does not much of that happen or get figured out as we get to know each other? If so, there in again lies the problem in that I'm not even being given the chance for that to happen.

In some ways I feel almost like some of the comments would be more true if I were cutting these women loose and refusing to give them a chance. Not the case - in fact it's the other way around! Maybell, You say that I'm going to have to invest some time getting to know them. You also stated how you were not sure about your guy and had to spend time getting to know him. EXACTLY! I could not agree more. Thing is, you were willing to give your guy a chance and invest the time. I have not even found that lately! So how do I fix that. What made you willing to give your guy a second, third, fourth date? Ive listed examples of this six months ago and you responded then. it's hard enough to find someone I want to ask out. If I do, many are are already in an R, live too far away or don't want to date - sometimes me, sometimes ANYONE. I can list 10 that fall in these categories in the past 18 months. A few others I again am very willing to invest the time, many say they want to go out again yet it never happens! This is in part how I learned what the term ghosting meant!

And then finally, if only this "dry spell" had only been going on for a year - try since the summer of 2013! I think I've said this before, it's not like I ever had multiple women chasing after me but it's never been like this. Women friends tell me they don't at all get it, I'm smart, fun, treat women very, very well, have the means to do pretty much whatever I want, financially secure, reasonably good looking. I just don't get it but it has clearly put a hit on my self astem and self confidence - which doesn't help either. I'm am a VERY confident guy or at least used to be. I still am in most things non-dating

If someone could tell me what to do or what to change I would in an instant - at least to the best of my ability. For the first 5 years after my D I could have cared less if I had a date. I have always been great at being alone. Careful what you wish for. Interesting how our drummers father, who I've know since I'm 15 said to me as we were both leaving the event last weekend, "don't do anything stupid" to which I laughed... Then he continued "like get married." Interesting comment certainly no damaged of that!

One last thing Maybell, can you more explain what you mean by:

"But what I hear from you is a guy who looks for surface qualities and hasn't really been willing to see WHO a woman is before deciding if she's "Perfect" or not. That's probably how you're showing up for these women and they can see it. If they're quality women, they don't want to be judged that way and they're dodging you."

I think I may get it but not totally. Blunt is okay if that's the only way I'll understand. Perhaps give me an example. If I'm doing it, I'll stop as best I can. Are you saying they are sensing that my only interest is in their looks? If so, do you really think that THEY ate thinking that? Or is it the impression you've of me?

Agin, just so I'm not misunderstood here, Im not trying to dismiss anything being said. I'm just trying to get to the bottom of it all and change what I can. My level of confindece used to be that I was a guy many would love to date if I was not married. Perhaps that was never the case other than with my ex W