Hi,
How are you doing?
H and I had a somewhat bad evening last night that turned out GOOD! As you know, he is seemingly depressed lately.
He started to tell me some of the reasons, and I got off on a tangent how we could "fix" one of them for us. Some miscommunications came out I said I feel like he doesn't care, he got angry/defensive, I tried to say back to him what he was saying...I said, so AnY TIME/way I say you don't care even if it is "i feel, it seems..."sets you off...he got mad and said, "that's what Dr. G told you A LONG time ago! This is not news!" so, I felt hurt, stupid...we talked some more, went to bed. I told him I would rather he tell me he is mad than to blow me off for a day or so. He told me he just didn't need this tonight, that he was frazzled, etc. I apologized again, and validated that I should have been validating him, not trying to fix something.

some of his issues:
his back, the weather
he feels like he doesn't have a social life. (i didn't get this as he goes out w/friends reg. turns out he feels like a "chauffeur" for the one guy, the other is busy and hardly calls him, yet he has a couple others that he gets together w/on a reg. basis.) still not sure i get it. any ideas? all they do together is go out and drink and he is really not into the same old same old bar scene anymore. He does bike with one guy, and play video games/race remote control cars w/another...

he feels uncomfy when he and i go out and don't have much to say. he would like to have some couples to do stuff with. (last time, i called a couple, she told her h to email my h, my h emailed him back, we all got busy and the ball got dropped!) I'm like, "ya know...you just gotta MAKE A PLAN!)

And, YA JUST GOTTA MAKE CONVO...he says he is not big on small talk. (this is the tangent i got on) I said I feel like i try to init. convo. but the convo. goes nowhere. & I'm not just talking about painting my toenails, i'm talking about HIS interests??? don't get it...so we're supposed to talk more about this.

**Anyhow, I am have a lot of difficult feelings. On the one hand, I wish he would take more initiative to work on things and grow *together.* So I wonder, why I keep putting everything on him. I feel taken for granted. Like, why doesn't he init. more date stuff/more romantic stuf/more convo., etc. I asked if we spend TOO much time together...

but, on the other hand, I am very gifted when it comes to planning things, being resourceful and creative. I feel like I am not being "myself" b/c I am wanting him to do some of this stuff.

So, again, what options are there? what 180's for me? I need to stop resenting him...certainly he has gifts that he brings to this r. Namely stability & not crazy making! Am I too available? Am I settling? How do I **inspire** some excitement in this man?

We ended up ML last night and I have a diff. idea that I tried. He seemed to enjoy it and then he initiated doing something a little diff that he wanted to do! (No, not hanging from the chandeliers...yet...)

One of the things that he liked about me in the beginning of our r was that I like to do things and helped "get him off the couch." Well, he's heavy...& sometimes I have a hard enough time getting myself off the couch let alone him!

So, ideas that I have are making lists. This is what I have started so far:

*Things that I feel are hanging over my head that I need to rid of. ie. dog pen sit, and my clothes being stacked in 4 laundry baskets b/c i don't have enough room for them.

*things to do for ME ie nails, take vit's, etc.

*Projects

*Things that need to be done around the house

*where to get ideas for creative sex. ie read books-erotica, fantasy ideas, how to, etc. (where do you stick it again? ), play games. & I have had this idea for a game that I have wanted to bring up...I've just been waiting for a "better time." It's not necessarily sexual, but maybe a way to open lines of communication. It's called "Sometime this month..." And you each write an idea on a little piece of paper for the other. For example, I might ask that sometime this month, he make dinner or give me a back rub, or take me on a picnic, wear silk boxers...(keeping in mind $ and emotional vulnerabilities, as some things may not be comfy for the other) AND, if the other does not feel comfy about the idea, he/she can say so and ask the other to write something else. What do you think??

And movies to see that we've mentioned, or restaurants that we want to go to. And keep notes!!! As sometimes we mention a rest. then when we are trying to decide where to go, we forget the rest. that we mentioned...

And, to use the resources we have for stuff to do and schedule stuff ie. National park in the area's calendar, town event magazine, town up noth's magazines, the 2 clubs that we are now part of, etc.

I've been doing some reading on what the bible says about m and r's (w/s and w/other ppl), some on communication, etc.

I don't believe I am a very good Christian, and a lot of things that I get mad at h for are the very things that he could say I do/don't do like:
I'm not putting effort into the r (such as NOT db'ing, not trusting him, not getting along or being committed)
I take HIM for granted.
I don't show HIM enough love, acceptance, appreciation (as I am always bitching about something he didn't do or should be doing)
I am only concerned about getting what I want in this r and not so concerned about giving.
i act like a victim/martyr
i am depressed a lot too!
etc.

ok, this is verrrrry long!
thanks for reading. please join with me on the bandwagon and offer suggestions/solutions...
karen812