In the UK Need advice Wife asked to separate

[sandi2]

Ok I will try and be as open and as transparent as I can be and you may then understand my W.

I understand her much more than you realize. Will you listen to something I have to say.....before you leave the board again to retreat in your shell? I will get to the part of you not doing enough to help her....but first I want you to hear something else that applies to your situation.

Based on your information so far, I think your wife is wayward. She does not have to be in an affair to qualify as wayward. Waywardness is born in the heart of the woman, and she may never get involved with someone else. In other words, an affair does not make the wayward woman. And with her waywardness, comes a complete different mindset than perhaps she ever had, or that you've ever seen in her. At some point years ago she was disappointed in something you did....or didn't do.....or how you did it. In time, those disappointments turned into resentment. In order to go on with the MR, she may have tried to push those resentments down....but they were still in her heart. Every time some new or repeated disappointment......or some event or incident that she thought you failed as a man, a husband, and/or a father......all the past resentments welcomed in the new ones. So, it continued to grow in her heart. Do you know what else was growing? Disrespect for her husband. It kept growing until it choked out the desire she should/could feel for her husband. There are many, many ways a woman can show some level of disrespect for her H. I guarantee that if she is showing it outwardly, she is definitely feeling it from the heart. And speaking of feelings, the disrespect is why she is cold and not interested in working on the MR and/or a new one with you. She cannot experience loving feelings for you when she disrespects you. Women are wired in such a way that she has to respect her H, before she experiences the feelings of desire. That's why women say they love you as a friend, or as the father of her children.....but not as a lover/husband. Are you with me so far?

Now I will speak about all those things you did not do in the past. Those things you didn't do enough, or whatever she complained about you. Perhaps it was a logical, legitimate request that came from a devoted W & mother who was working long shifts as a nurse. Perhaps her requests were unreasonable, selfish, or whatever. My point is this......currently, it makes no difference. The WW may use the same old complaints about you......and you could perfect each & every thing that previously made her unhappy about you......but it would not change her how she feels. The current issues have surpassed the "complaints" she has given you. B/C now she is an emotionally different woman, and she probably won't tell you the real reason she wants out of the marriage. Therefore, she has to rely upon those old complaints from the past, or even come up with some new ones. In other words, it's not really about your failures anymore, but it's about her feelings. You may resist believing what I am telling you about your own W......but I have yet to see one WW turn around and "want" her H, based on him trying to do "enough" or fix the areas she made her complaints. She may decide to stay in the M for financial reasons, but her feelings of desire will not come without her respect. It simply will not work successfully with a wayward woman. You saw for yourself that two people can live in a M by sweeping things under the rug, but they won't be happy. The correct route in getting true love from your W is to first get her respect. That is the root of the problem. Getting her respect, and her letting go of the resentment is critical in having an intimate, loving MR.

This has been proven by the men who changed and basically tried to to improve things their WW complained about, but then discovered their WW's feelings still did not warm back....although he changed.

If you want to know more about the mindset of the wayward wife, there are several threads on the subject. If you want to continue doing what doesn't work....that's your choice, too.