Got into it a little w/h last night. I think to myself, "this is not DB'ing," but continue to do it anyway. For some reason I feel the NEED to express all of my opinions/feelings/emotions...He was distant after, so I left him alone.
I had a hard time sleeping and thought & cried, and thought & cried. The more I think about it, I didn't like the C that I went to yesterday. She was not what I had envisioned. NOONE is as good as Michele's coaches!!! I just wish they would take insurance for phone calls!!
But, the biq question that came to me is this: Why WON'T I do what h wants me to do/has asked me to do? We have been stuck in this gridlock for quite some time now. He says he will give me what I want when he gets what he wants and vice versa. What he wants from me-more emotional stability in our r (as in less/no crazy-making), to get along, to have pleasant time together, for me to trust him and to feel secure in our r, to believe in him, and to not assume the worst in him. That's all right?
So, I realize that I'm just not so sure as to what theory I "buy into." The things that we were originally taught in therapy are ineffective and I can't seem to change that pattern-express all feelings, try to resolve everything, ask for what you want...ha...
Or, is it the devil messing with me? Seems like whenever I try to get closer or renew/restore my faith in God, I have a much worse time of it and end up freaking out/breaking down, giving up so to speak, and then ditching God thinking that it's too hard.
But, then I do KNOW that DB'ing works, so I think if I would combine (muster up) faith in God, and practice these principals, I'd be ok. BUT, I just don't seem to listen! I have gotten some great advice and suggestions here, I talked to Joann a few times who was very inspirational, but then i just don't do it.
So, here's what I have come up with as to why:
^I don't trust that h will "give me what I want"
^I don't trust God and that He wants me to be happy. (That maybe it was wrong of me to marry a non-believer and now I am screwed for the rest of my life.)
^I don't trust MYSELF-my opinions, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, etc. I'm afraid that if I believe that my H is wonderful, I will be blind-sided and he will f me over somehow. I am afraid to venture away from what my parents taught me about men and about myself. ie being worthless, and irresponsible, and an a-hole...
^I am afraid to be happy for the aforementioned reasons.
^I am afraid of success, to believe in myself, god and h.
^I fear that I have chosen the wrong man, that he'll never be "in love" with me to the fullest, that this m will never be what i had hoped.
^I am afraid to be dissappointed.
^I am afraid of wasting time (even tho I have wasted SO much in the past 4 1/3 years. **We really COULD have it so good!!!
^I'm afraid to have children even tho I really want to.
***I am SERIOUSLY afraid of being taken for granted. I would much rather be left than stayed with and taken for granted. Why? Who did that? Dear old dad!
Most of my issues are from me hanging on to the past. I know I am growed up now. But, I still blame the 'rents and think that what they said was true. YUCK!! And, they are both NUTS!!
I intend to print out my threads and read over and highlight what other ppl have suggested to me. I have notes about what Joann and I talked about. I need to believe in this stuff and GOD!!! I am def. of little to no faith. Like, I know God is there, but does He really care about me and want me to be happy? (I'm sure Debi will jump all over that one! )
Thanks again! I will catch up soon and I AM watching you!!!
Well, I think I am "controlling" it by constantly telling h that he doesn't do this or that, that I want him to do this or that, by putting these expectations & demands on him, by continually telling him I'm unhappy about this or that.
It may feel like you are controlling it but he isn't really doing what you want, so I'm thinking it isn't really being in control. It is a need to drop TRYING to be in control.
I keep fighting with it myself. Having Jonah and NOT being able to do anything is giving me a good lesson.
I can't do anything to make Jonah well, and that is sort of like I can't make CHL do anything. It is a lesson I keep having to remind myself of, daily, hourly, maybe minutely!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Karen, I know I read many people's threads daily, but don't post often because I have no wise words to offer.
I think it's the hardest thing in the world to overcome your upbringing. I know mine has haunted me since I left home at 18 and continues to haunt me in all of my relationships with people.
Counseling did help me somewhat in putting it behind me and moving on, but so much of it is ingrained and is still reinforced somewhat by my current relationship with my parents. Have you discussed ways to move beyond/cope with our childhood with a counselor?
Quote: I am def. of little to no faith. Like, I know God is there, but does He really care about me and want me to be happy? (I'm sure Debi will jump all over that one! )
I'm not gonna do it, now you called me on it!!! LOL Hey, I will give you a call in the morning. Prob. not early...I need some beauty sleep! LOL You guys are an hour ahead, I'll try to call about 11am, my time. Is that an ok time? Email me and let me know.
Hi, How are you doing? H and I had a somewhat bad evening last night that turned out GOOD! As you know, he is seemingly depressed lately. He started to tell me some of the reasons, and I got off on a tangent how we could "fix" one of them for us. Some miscommunications came out I said I feel like he doesn't care, he got angry/defensive, I tried to say back to him what he was saying...I said, so AnY TIME/way I say you don't care even if it is "i feel, it seems..."sets you off...he got mad and said, "that's what Dr. G told you A LONG time ago! This is not news!" so, I felt hurt, stupid...we talked some more, went to bed. I told him I would rather he tell me he is mad than to blow me off for a day or so. He told me he just didn't need this tonight, that he was frazzled, etc. I apologized again, and validated that I should have been validating him, not trying to fix something.
some of his issues: his back, the weather he feels like he doesn't have a social life. (i didn't get this as he goes out w/friends reg. turns out he feels like a "chauffeur" for the one guy, the other is busy and hardly calls him, yet he has a couple others that he gets together w/on a reg. basis.) still not sure i get it. any ideas? all they do together is go out and drink and he is really not into the same old same old bar scene anymore. He does bike with one guy, and play video games/race remote control cars w/another...
he feels uncomfy when he and i go out and don't have much to say. he would like to have some couples to do stuff with. (last time, i called a couple, she told her h to email my h, my h emailed him back, we all got busy and the ball got dropped!) I'm like, "ya know...you just gotta MAKE A PLAN!)
And, YA JUST GOTTA MAKE CONVO...he says he is not big on small talk. (this is the tangent i got on) I said I feel like i try to init. convo. but the convo. goes nowhere. & I'm not just talking about painting my toenails, i'm talking about HIS interests??? don't get it...so we're supposed to talk more about this.
**Anyhow, I am have a lot of difficult feelings. On the one hand, I wish he would take more initiative to work on things and grow *together.* So I wonder, why I keep putting everything on him. I feel taken for granted. Like, why doesn't he init. more date stuff/more romantic stuf/more convo., etc. I asked if we spend TOO much time together...
but, on the other hand, I am very gifted when it comes to planning things, being resourceful and creative. I feel like I am not being "myself" b/c I am wanting him to do some of this stuff.
So, again, what options are there? what 180's for me? I need to stop resenting him...certainly he has gifts that he brings to this r. Namely stability & not crazy making! Am I too available? Am I settling? How do I **inspire** some excitement in this man?
We ended up ML last night and I have a diff. idea that I tried. He seemed to enjoy it and then he initiated doing something a little diff that he wanted to do! (No, not hanging from the chandeliers...yet...)
One of the things that he liked about me in the beginning of our r was that I like to do things and helped "get him off the couch." Well, he's heavy...& sometimes I have a hard enough time getting myself off the couch let alone him!
So, ideas that I have are making lists. This is what I have started so far:
*Things that I feel are hanging over my head that I need to rid of. ie. dog pen sit, and my clothes being stacked in 4 laundry baskets b/c i don't have enough room for them.
*things to do for ME ie nails, take vit's, etc.
*Projects
*Things that need to be done around the house
*where to get ideas for creative sex. ie read books-erotica, fantasy ideas, how to, etc. (where do you stick it again? ), play games. & I have had this idea for a game that I have wanted to bring up...I've just been waiting for a "better time." It's not necessarily sexual, but maybe a way to open lines of communication. It's called "Sometime this month..." And you each write an idea on a little piece of paper for the other. For example, I might ask that sometime this month, he make dinner or give me a back rub, or take me on a picnic, wear silk boxers...(keeping in mind $ and emotional vulnerabilities, as some things may not be comfy for the other) AND, if the other does not feel comfy about the idea, he/she can say so and ask the other to write something else. What do you think??
And movies to see that we've mentioned, or restaurants that we want to go to. And keep notes!!! As sometimes we mention a rest. then when we are trying to decide where to go, we forget the rest. that we mentioned...
And, to use the resources we have for stuff to do and schedule stuff ie. National park in the area's calendar, town event magazine, town up noth's magazines, the 2 clubs that we are now part of, etc.
I've been doing some reading on what the bible says about m and r's (w/s and w/other ppl), some on communication, etc.
I don't believe I am a very good Christian, and a lot of things that I get mad at h for are the very things that he could say I do/don't do like: I'm not putting effort into the r (such as NOT db'ing, not trusting him, not getting along or being committed) I take HIM for granted. I don't show HIM enough love, acceptance, appreciation (as I am always bitching about something he didn't do or should be doing) I am only concerned about getting what I want in this r and not so concerned about giving. i act like a victim/martyr i am depressed a lot too! etc.
ok, this is verrrrry long! thanks for reading. please join with me on the bandwagon and offer suggestions/solutions... karen812
You're on the right path. The one thing that pops up in my head when reading your posts is the fact that you seem to feel the need to get things moving.
It may take you letting go of the reins for a long period of time for your H to appreciate your leadership qualities and to see that something needs to be done.
Just my .02 worth.
Happy Easter!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Another Karen here....I just saw your post on another thread about the KLA tapes and I think it would be a wise investment if you are trying to find something to help you get back into the swing. I have listened to them and have the Marriage Breakthrough tapes as well and if I can get the chance to have H back, I will definitely be able to put them to use.
I have learned so much in the past yr+ as I'm sure you have that once these things are applied to your M, it's like being a teenager again. But, you have to make that happen w/Michelle's advice and run w/it.
I haven't read up on your sitch but it wouldn't hurt to have more on the reference shelf! Good luck!!! Tootles........
But, I still blame the 'rents and think that what they said was true. YUCK!! 
) 
), play games. & I have had this idea for a game that I have wanted to bring up...I've just been waiting for a "better time." It's not necessarily sexual, but maybe a way to open lines of communication. It's called "Sometime this month..." And you each write an idea on a little piece of paper for the other. For example, I might ask that sometime this month, he make dinner or give me a back rub, or take me on a picnic, wear silk boxers...(keeping in mind $ and emotional vulnerabilities, as some things may not be comfy for the other) AND, if the other does not feel comfy about the idea, he/she can say so and ask the other to write something else. What do you think?? 