WAW had an affair - hurt and confused

[brizz]

Hi Gordie,

Thanks for responding.. I'll answer your questions below.

1. "It just felt like there was this imaginary wall that kept us from really moving further together" So it sounds like you guys didn't discuss the big things in life and you didn't argue well...so to keep the peace, you avoided conflict?

Pretty much. The fault for anything in an argument always ended up on me so it never really went anywhere or would get resolved in my mind.

2. "It got to be the middle of November 2016 and I could sense a change in her attitude. I had to ask repeatedly before she finally admitted that she was feeling depressed. She said she didn’t want to wake up and be 40 and have not had kids or travelled. That she had nothing to look forward to. She asked me if I had goals in life, things I wanted. I struggled to find the words and the courage to say them before she gave up." These are typical mid-life questions (not necessarily MLC)...the fact that she was asking you is a good sign (but probably just the tip of the iceberg in terms of her true questions/thoughts feelings)...why did you struggle to answer them? She was trying to emotionally connect with you...and it didn't work.

Yes, I wish I opened up then definitely. I was trying to collect my thoughts before she walked away and things kinda calmed down. Part of my hesitation that I didn't get into was I had seen texts with a work friend of hers where all they did was badmouth their husbands. So I wasn't really in the sharing mood.

3. "Still, I started to treat her extra nice and give lots of encouragement and affection. She responded well to it. Things felt like they were moving in the right direction." Not sure if you have read the 5LL book, but it sounds like you were trying to connect with her through acts of service...and she is trying to connect with you through quantity and quality time/conversation....

I wish we had read it, I think it could have helped. I think I was giving her what she wanted but at that point she was already in too deep with OM.

4. "Over the course of the following week her attitude took a nosedive. On Friday 12/9 she came home from her 3rd after work happy hour and barely said a word." It sounds like you think something happened at the work party? OM/EA/PA?

No, OM was already back in his town and I don't think ever attended any of the happy hours. It was just with her work friend who was a really bad influence on her, and sometimes others from work as well.

5. "So I had to ask repeatedly what was wrong before she finally let loose on 4 hours of tearing me down in every way possible." This dump sounds like my W...which happens when a person bottles up their negative feelings for years in the hope of avoiding conflict in the R (see #1 above).

Some of it, sure, but a lot of it was ridiculously petty and is clear now was just her looking for ways to justify what she was doing.

6. "I said I could be better and that we just need to improve our communication." Sorry, this is way more than just about communication...but think you know that...

In hindsight, yes.

7. "I said how I wanted kids and I wanted to travel more." Bingo! You started opening up about the big things in life, what you want, what you envisioned, this is what she was asking you about before (see #2).

Yes, but unfortunately she was only using those things as an excuse to get out without admitting about the OM.

8. "She said she wasn’t sure she even wanted any of those things with me anymore. We finished talking and she went to the grocery store, where she still purchased items for me." So when she wanted to discuss...you couldn't...and now you are opening up...and she is closing up?

By this point she didn't want to hear it, she was fully immersed in OM.

9. "We talked a bit more the next day but it was more of the same. At one point I was trying to get her to come over to me while we were talking because she was walking around doing various things. She said, “No, you’re just going to try to hug me.”" What's the dynamic in your physical/sexual relationship? Are you touchy? Is she?

I'd say we both are. I'd often grab her for a hug for no reason if we just passed by in the kitchen or something, or give her a light spank on the butt. I'd kiss her on the head if I walked behind the couch while she sat. She'd come up and hug me from behind all the time, we'd cuddle on the couch. Her resistance to a hug I wasn't even trying to give was very unusual.

11. "She got a sorrowful look on her face and came over and hugged me while saying “I don’t mean to hurt you.” I left to go to work." Okay, she doesn't mean it...but she's going to anyway?

No idea. I think she just felt guilty but had already written me off.

12. "Told me she didn’t miss me, that she didn’t think she ever did in the past on work trips. That she just missed her bed and the dog. I know that isn’t true." This is called rewriting history.

Definitely, something she started doing tons of.

13. "I told her I need to tell her how I felt and pasted in a letter I had written the previous 2 days." Sorry about your letter/confession (think most of us here have tried some version of them)...but with the OM in her head and heart...she can't respond to you...

Yes.. I just didn't know how far along it was with the OM at the time. Sickening now to think she was probably with him when I sent that. Probably showed him and mocked me.

15. "I calmly told her I wasn’t leaving, that if she decided she didn’t want to be with me, she could leave." Good for you!

Yes, I'm glad I made that line in the sand and that it seems to be the recommended course of action.

18. "We didn’t speak much, the tension was very thick. It was during this time I started to analyze and investigate more. I was able to find out who the OM was." I have previously noted that the affair partners are quite a cast of characters...but a married with kids, drug/alcohol addict who tried to shoot himself...wow, what a catch!

Yes, this guy has so much baggage. But he's so "happy and positive", despite trying to commit suicide. My IC's jaw nearly hit the floor when hearing about him.

19. "I would try talking to her at times over the next week. She was cold but maintained she didn’t want to file for divorce." Do not initiate R talks.

Yes, my mistake. Wish I had found myself here earlier.

20. "Christmas was spent apart with our respective families. I’d gathered by then that she was telling her family and friends that she was abused and painting me as an awful person." Yes, perhaps some lies and blameshifting...but you also have to take ownership for your own contribution to the failed M...

I definitely do. The problem is despite everything she's done she still thinks she has 0 responsibility.

21. "On 12/29 I came home from work and initiated a serious discussion. She finally seemed a little open, a little empathetic." Their moods swing wildly...from hot...to cold..try not to read too much into these swings.

Yes, I don't know if she was genuinely receptive or just putting on an act knowing what she had planned for the next day.

22. "Eventually, I went to the MBR to go to bed. Something urged me to check her nightstand, where we kept condoms. I opened the drawer and 2 boxes and a vibrator were missing." Doesn't sound like you were confused...but in denial...

Definitely denial because it was just so unlike her. Was like suddenly being told 2+2=5. Just didn't make sense.

23. ""So I said, “2 boxes of condoms should keep you gone longer than that.” No reply." LOL

Yep, I'm proud of that one. Hope it struck a chord with her but she probably didn't care.