Got into it a little w/h last night. I think to myself, "this is not DB'ing," but continue to do it anyway. For some reason I feel the NEED to express all of my opinions/feelings/emotions...He was distant after, so I left him alone.
I had a hard time sleeping and thought & cried, and thought & cried. The more I think about it, I didn't like the C that I went to yesterday. She was not what I had envisioned. NOONE is as good as Michele's coaches!!! I just wish they would take insurance for phone calls!!
But, the biq question that came to me is this: Why WON'T I do what h wants me to do/has asked me to do? We have been stuck in this gridlock for quite some time now. He says he will give me what I want when he gets what he wants and vice versa. What he wants from me-more emotional stability in our r (as in less/no crazy-making), to get along, to have pleasant time together, for me to trust him and to feel secure in our r, to believe in him, and to not assume the worst in him. That's all right?
So, I realize that I'm just not so sure as to what theory I "buy into." The things that we were originally taught in therapy are ineffective and I can't seem to change that pattern-express all feelings, try to resolve everything, ask for what you want...ha...
Or, is it the devil messing with me? Seems like whenever I try to get closer or renew/restore my faith in God, I have a much worse time of it and end up freaking out/breaking down, giving up so to speak, and then ditching God thinking that it's too hard.
But, then I do KNOW that DB'ing works, so I think if I would combine (muster up) faith in God, and practice these principals, I'd be ok. BUT, I just don't seem to listen! I have gotten some great advice and suggestions here, I talked to Joann a few times who was very inspirational, but then i just don't do it.
So, here's what I have come up with as to why:
^I don't trust that h will "give me what I want"
^I don't trust God and that He wants me to be happy. (That maybe it was wrong of me to marry a non-believer and now I am screwed for the rest of my life.)
^I don't trust MYSELF-my opinions, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, etc. I'm afraid that if I believe that my H is wonderful, I will be blind-sided and he will f me over somehow. I am afraid to venture away from what my parents taught me about men and about myself. ie being worthless, and irresponsible, and an a-hole...
^I am afraid to be happy for the aforementioned reasons.
^I am afraid of success, to believe in myself, god and h.
^I fear that I have chosen the wrong man, that he'll never be "in love" with me to the fullest, that this m will never be what i had hoped.
^I am afraid to be dissappointed.
^I am afraid of wasting time (even tho I have wasted SO much in the past 4 1/3 years. **We really COULD have it so good!!!
^I'm afraid to have children even tho I really want to.
***I am SERIOUSLY afraid of being taken for granted. I would much rather be left than stayed with and taken for granted. Why? Who did that? Dear old dad!
Most of my issues are from me hanging on to the past. I know I am growed up now. But, I still blame the 'rents and think that what they said was true. YUCK!! And, they are both NUTS!!
I intend to print out my threads and read over and highlight what other ppl have suggested to me. I have notes about what Joann and I talked about. I need to believe in this stuff and GOD!!! I am def. of little to no faith. Like, I know God is there, but does He really care about me and want me to be happy? (I'm sure Debi will jump all over that one! )
Thanks again! I will catch up soon and I AM watching you!!!
But, I still blame the 'rents and think that what they said was true. YUCK!! 
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