I've spent a lot of time on this board looking for sympathy and advice as a man who has been cheated on and betrayed. I've done a lot of wife bashing and presenting my case for why I'm in the right and now doing the noble thing to save my relationship and keep my family together.
But in an effort to get more in touch with the complexity of my situation and see things from my W's point of view, I wrote the following essay (on my phone, on the train this morning on the way to work), and wanted to share it with you all.
The argument for my W as the the one who was betrayed.
This isn't an essay about what my W did wrong. It's only about what I did wrong.
I didn't have a physical or emotional relationship with someone else. I had a physical and emotional relationship with myself.
I wasn't abusive. I was supportive. I was a good father. But I wasn't a good husband.
I neglected the relationship, assuming that it would always be there. I never nurtured it. I was always attached to my former life of "being able to do whatever I want." A life that shifted into high gear when I turned 30 and had my own apartment. But frankly it was a life that I had led to a certain extent since I was born.
From 2008 to 2016
Once the kids were born, I focused on the time each day when I would get my life back for a few hours before I was too tired. Sometimes I would wish/hope that I could stay awake longer than my W so that I could sneak down to the basement to play video games, work on my website, watch movies or watch porn. I never devoted any energy to our relationship unless it suited me. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries... I made them about me, instead of us or (god forbid), her!
When I wasn't focused inward and self-absorbed, I focused my energy on the kids, choosing to put the marriage on pause in favor or the more pressing responsibilities of raising our kids. In the back of my mind I assumed that my W felt the same way and that we would "pick up where we left off once the kids were bit more self-sufficient." But this was an incorrect assumption.
Our relationship drifted apart and we lost all emotional connection. As terrible as this was on it's own, it got worse because along with my self absorption came a general disinterest in doing anything more than the bare minimum around the house to get by. My W became mother to a third child and took on all the "executive" responsibilities our our family. I was a willing employee "most" of the time but even when I was, I adopted an attitude of resentment when there was extra work around the house that was left for me. "I go to work all day to financially support this family," was my argument.
My family, particularly my mother, reinforced this position, which made it all the more justifiable.
Meanwhile, my W was dealing with more and more stress. Taking care of two kids with someone else's mother interfering. Running a business. Dealing with mother who was dying. And I was there for her physically... I was always home, never out late with friends. Never cheating. Never abusive or bad tempered. But I wasn't "there" for her emotionally. She battled through most of the stress alone. She had lost touch with most of her old friends by now and craved company and social situations. Something that I wanted no part of, and I never made the effort to change my position on this for her sake.
When we did get involved in social situations, my attitude was always a crap shoot. More often than not my W had to make concessions for me by socializing exclusively with me, deciding to leave the gathering early, or just opting out of going entirely.
Meanwhile, if the social situation revolved around my side of the family, I was Mr. social. And we spent many Sundays at my mom's pool with me doing nothing and my W doing everything to take care of dinner plans and getting the kids ready for bed before we left to go home.
My W's mom died in 2013. And along with the loss of her mother came the loss of her connection to the rest of her family. Just like me, they all focused inward and as much as my W tried to take over the role of keeping the family together, most of her efforts failed.
Two years after the death of her mother. Depression set in. Our relationship hadn't changed. I hadn't changed. And my W started to look at her life in terms of what was missing and how she wasn't getting any younger. She found an urgency for needing to be happy and emotionally connected to someone or something. And despite my behavior up until that point, she tried even harder to connect with me. But it didn't work. I was still set in my ways:
I took on the role of roommate/brother/3rd child. This was not the type of person she wanted to connect to. So she regressed, and discovered unresolved love with someone from her past. They began talking as friends but inevitably because of their past the relationship this evolved into something more.
This was the point when my W was throwing the most obvious signals at me and I still wasn't responding. So she gave up and gave in to her desires. As much as my W's value system advised her against betraying our marriage, in her mind I had already betrayed the marriage long ago.
What happened next and since is well documented.
And now that I'm FINALLY starting to make positive/lasting changes that I feel are genuine, I'm resentful that my W isn't responding. Meanwhile, why SHOULD she respond? It has taken 8 years, the deterioration of our relationship and the threat of divorce for me to finally wake up to these problems.
So whenever I wonder:
Why she's acting the way she is now? Why is she being so stubborn? Why won't she soften her heart to the idea of a reconciliation? Why is she being so cruel and heartless?
I need to read this again and remember that her selfishness really only started a few months ago compared to the 8 years that I assumed that role.
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
