Help!

[ciluzen]

If your H has mentioned that you were not loving enough, it means he was not feeling loved. I know that sounds like a simple, "no, duh" type of statement, but unfortunately, its not. He did not FEEL loved.

My own H told me at BD that he felt I didn't love him, didn't even like him (!) and hadn't for a long time. I kissed him, hugged him, told him I loved him everyday, was very physically demonstrative. I took care of everything from house to grounds, to finances, to kid (grown) related things, to pets so that his only worry was work and play. When he bought another house against my wishes (this is a key phrase), I painted walls, patched, and sought out, bought, hauled and refinished the furniture to fill it. The more he seemed to withdraw, the more I took on. Our SL never dropped off, although he seemed not as interested. And I got a job after staying home with the kids for years. I tried to take the burden off of him, but I also complained more and more about our vacation time being with "her", how it was spent, how we would pay for it...I became a complainer about something he enjoyed. I also tried to fix every problem he brought up and didn't listen well to him...something else he needed. He needed to feel like a grown man; a man who could take care of me and fix his own problems, but just have me listen. His response was to pay more and more attention to a woman who "needed" his help with every little thing. Her lawn needed mowing, her nail needed gluing back on, she needed someone to pick up her kids so she could have lunch with friends. Someone who just wanted to have fun on the weekends, not work on a house or two. Someone who made him feel needed and listened to. She used him (still does...and she's married!), he knew it, but he also felt appreciated...which he didn't feel in our relationship.

Find out your H's love language (google it). Because chances are, although kisses and hugs are loving actions, he's talking more about what is missing in his life that is not making him feel loved. Kisses and hugs are the sprinkles on the cupcake; just for show and definitely not what make it taste good. And if he let you know at BD, even if that's part of what he wants, he may not believe they're real actions.

This is a complex problem. It will take a lot of thought and a lot of insight into your dynamic as a couple and a lot of probing of yourself. There is no simple fix and it will take time. So, work on yourself. Deep introspection. Remember his words to you, his actions and reactions to things you've done (good and bad), stories he's told, things he's mentioned, comments he's made. These are clues as to how he feels. Keep a journal. Make connections. But most of all, remember. You can only work on you. Like most married people, you lose sight of who you were that they fell in love with because you start to mold around them. Find out again who you really are. What you like, want, need to live authentically. This is why GAL is mentioned. It also helps you to keep from ruminating on your situation.

Sorry so long. I do go on. Keep posting and there will be so many here to help you along this journey. And...it gets better. It really does.