Leaving Castle Caladan

[Zues126]

Thanks for your patience Jelly, Sunny, DB gang. I'm sure you've seen I've posted a few times, just kind of moseying along.

(Thoughts on my mind) I have posted a bit but I guess I haven't talked about my situation. I think the reason is that I feel more and more detached from the details of my own life. It seems like it hardly matters anymore. I will update the details, but I've been existing in the space between.

What I mean is this. I was thinking about how much space is in the Universe. And I was thinking about how even things we feel as solid like this keyboard are actually made up of atoms of which 99.999999999999% are supposedly empty space. From where we sit it feels like our universe is filled up, and everything is solid. But that's really an illusion. It's practical enough for us to live our lives of course.

This is how I've felt about our lives. It's like we have these things that act on us, but most of our lives occurs in the space between. Take something that we might consider as unpleasant, like going to the dentist to get a cavity drilled. There are some true moments of discomfort, I am not disputing that a drill buzzing into a nerve doesn't cause very real unpleasantness. But when you zoom out the drilling makes up a very small percent of the actual time that the 'dentist' takes up in your life.

Making the phone call to schedule the appointment doesn't hurt. Driving to the dentist isn't painful, just floating down the road in a temperature controlled vehicle listening to some music or a good audiobook. Making small talk while the receptionist checks you in is easy. Sitting in the lounge and playing some addictive smart phone game or wondering how magazines are still in business is pleasant enough. Getting seated in the dental chair is no big deal. The gaws, biting down on stuff for x-rays, little poking and prodding and cleaning, all fine.

If you add up the seconds in which a drill is actually causing physical pain, it's probably about a minute. Certainly not life's finest joy, but not really a big deal. And there is no work to be done, no stress of deadlines or demands from your job, your children, etc. When you get down to it, it's almost a vacation. Yes, a moment of unpleasantness, but vacations have moments of unpleasantness too, like feelings claustrophobic on a crowded stuffy airplane that is forced to taxi for an extra half hour, or being hung over for those that drink, etc.

My point is that life has felt a lot like that lately too. Our problems in life are very real. They do impact us. But in the end, 99% of our life occurs in the space between. I can't fix the problems in my life, but I can demote them from authority figures that have the right to confiscate my ability to appreciate the rest of the time that my problems don't actually touch me. And if you've read my other recent posts (how we always have 83 problems no matter what, how life's biggest problems are unsolvable) I am starting to think that's the most important thing we do in our lives.

(Job) I have some real problems in my life. My job has been hellish for 15 months now, and that escalated about 6 months ago to where it is a day by day struggle. It has literally continued to get harder and harder, like a factory with an assembly line that continues to speed up day after day. But it's not just speed, it's finding ways to adapt that is scary, uncomfortable, and the entire thing feels hopeless most of the time. I think I'll have clarity in another 3-4 months as to whether I can make this position work. It's close but we'll see.

This has been exhausting and demoralizing and created real financial hardship. Financially I am going backwards $2,500 a month. My income in 2016 was 45% lower than in 2015 and I'm on track to make less this year. I have truly been court ordered to pay my ex so much I can't pay my own rent. If my income from 2015 had continued I could keep up just barely, but as it is I am nowhere near able.

I talked to my dad about it and we agreed to call off the home purchase. If you'll recall I am living with 3 children and my mother in a tiny apartment about 20 minutes away from their schools. This has been so hard. We were set to move almost a year ago into a rental close to their schools with more room, but my dad told me NOT to rent. He insisted on helping me buy a house to have a better quality of life for the kids and build equity instead of paying a landlord 100K over 4-5 years. I told him I wasn't stable enough but he truly insisted and said he could make the payments if he needed to float me for a while. So I passed on that rental, and we began looking at home purchasing. First we had to wait for the financial piece of the divorce to settle because he wanted to put the loan in my name. I told him this would be impossible with my ex making late payments prior to me directing funds at the mortgage (part of our 9/1 agreement). But we held off until I got the amended decree in September, then finally they turned me down anyway as I knew they would even with him as a co-signer. So we jack around for another month or two and finally in late December I get the pre-approval letter, but now Wells Fargo is blown apart with lawsuits and my job is crap and I told him again that this was insanity, that I truly wasn't able to make my housing payments right now, that if he wasn't going into this with the intent to pay it himself then he didn't understand where I was at. Meanwhile I think he had overcommitted himself and wasn't able to really do what he had told me he would without hurting himself, so he took the opportunity to back out. He instead is going to try to help me through the next few months until I can sort out my job or try to replace it. Bottom line, a colossal waste of time and energy and another year in this apartment unnecessarily.

Looking for work is it's own story which I won't tell, but right now despite the difficulty my current job is honestly still my best bet of paying my bills. If I can make it work I may be able to get back where I need to be. I'm not able to earn the income I'm mandated to earn anywhere else, so I'm going to fight every day to see if that's possible. I don't have a plan B at this time.

So this has caused me pain and suffering. It is unfair that my ex is guaranteed to have income handed to her and her mortgage paid for (on the house I bought with 10 years left on it) for not working, while she gets to go back to school, take some classes, and party it up with her new guy, while I am killing myself with no guarantees and coming up short to the point that my quality of life is below poverty. If this doesn't turn around, what, will they throw me in jail if I can't make my payments, or will I move my children in to my friend's basement? There is nothing else I can cut besides the rent.

And for those that talk about remarriage, this is why that is a no fly zone for me. People can debate endlessly about the hows and the whys of the reasoning behind the support laws, but as far as I'm concerned there are two schools of people- those that think they are whacked and can wreck a guys life, and those that haven't gone through what I have that maintain the luxury of talking about them philosophically. And people can debate endlessly about relationships, growth, how it should work, but that's not what I see nor what my experience has been either. I still think women are beautiful inside and out, but anymore I don't see it as a static, I see it as a process. Like how a caterpillar turns into a butterfly. A woman turns from someone that loves and supports me into someone that ends up destroying my life emotionally and financially. Just like the wildebeest, stranded, cut off from the herd, alone on the plains of the Serengeti, sadly there can be but one outcome...

I am not depressed, but I've definitely been running in the red on energy for a few years now. I don't remember what it's like to feel optimism, feel like the world is my canvas, to wake up with a bounce in my step ready to make amazing things happen. When I was married and I had a 'good woman in my corner', was able to pay the bills, had dreams of a 'good life', and I was also a few years younger, boy, I felt the world was mine for the taking. The last few years I've felt the opposite. And while the pain of the D has faded on the surface, the loss has impacted me profoundly in a way I don't think will ever change. I have been waiting for things to feel differently, thinking maybe with time and the abatement of my financial crisis it could lighten, and maybe it will, but I am starting to think it won't. Maybe I'm just older and more beaten down and this is the new normal from here out.

So those are a few of my bigger problems. And they are toughies.
But here's the thing. These problems have impacted me surprisingly little. Because I am living in the space between.

I enjoy my caffeine in the morning. I enjoy my ride to work. I enjoy most of my routine activities. I enjoy seeing the kids at night. I enjoy playing chess. Overall all gang, I have more joy and appreciation in my life than ever before. My financial problems are real, but they don't hurt me minute by minute. The divorce culture and laws in our society don't thrill me, but it doesn't impact me either. It's all just these big ideas about future fantasies and possibilities and debates on how things are or could be or should be. But day by day, minute by minute, my life is my life, a series of miraculous experiences that I can groove with.

S12 is still jamming his computer. All I could say is if you plugged a keyboard into a rock he could hack into the CIA database given a few hours. It's remarkable. Of course his grades are slipping, he's not getting his work in (D in algebra, which is funny because he taught himself algebra when he was 9). He's been running from his problems a bit. So I took him on a trip last weekend, got a hotel in my old hometown, showed him where I grew up, went on some walks where I used to walk to school, etc. I explained two things. One, the expectations. I expect him to avoid burning bridges so when he's 18 he has a full range of choices in life. I will not allow him at 12 to make lifelong decisions. Even if at 18 he travels down the road he thinks he wants now, he is to leave all avenues open. This means he is to graduate high school with grades that allow college if he chooses, he is to not get a girl pregnant, he is to not be in jail, and he is to not be addicted to drugs. Outside of that I am pretty flexible, but those are the rigid requirements. Two, I expect him to learn to manage his life. I asked him what that meant and he couldn't tell me. So I explained that if he doesn't manage his life, others have to. If he can't follow laws, the police will step in. If he can't do his work on his own, his teachers and parents will step in. Usually it's life itself that steps in with natural consequences. And as an adult he won't have others to manage his life, and those consequences get more real. But that I was here to help him learn those skills. You guys get the point. Bottom line, we had some good dad/son time, walked around, read a bit, went out to some restaurants, caught a movie, checked out a mall, etc. It was a really good trip.

D9/D6. Girls are doing great. D9 rocked her choir concert last week. She wants to be a pop singer. Hey, why not. We watched a season of "The Voice". She is playing BRILLIANT chess, but hasn't been inspired to play on her own, I have to push her. But if I don't she goes back to youtube videos, so I guess I'll push her. I signed them up for another tournament a week from this Saturday. She's doing great though, loving life. D6 isn't at the same level with chess, but she seems to genuinely want to play more. Playing on her own time with the computer, playing around with the pieces. The lightbulb is starting to come on, she's seeing more and more cool ideas. Still not putting it all together smoothly, but it's cool to be a part of. We're having fun goofing around too.

All kids are eating at the kitchen table, with a wide menu including many vegetables, totally miraculous compared to two years ago when it was pizza and BK and cereal on the couch.

As for pool, ha, I almost forgot. I only play every other weekend, but when I do it's pretty cool. I won a tournament in January that was kind of the state championship (not official, just the most prestigious annual tournament). Then Efren Reyes from the Philippines, who is the greatest player that ever played pool, came through our town. They wanted to arrange an exhibition match with him versus one of our top players, so they picked me to get in the ring with him. It was a nail biter that he won, but who cares, it was an honor to play him and it was cool to be on center stage in a packed arena against a guy like that. And I have been having fun playing, more fun than ever.

Almost through Dune with the kids. Paul just reunited with Gurney.

Bottom line guys, life has been hard, but I stopped caring a while ago. All of the moments where I am joking around (I am introverted and keep almost entirely to myself, my best friend, and my family, but I have a gift to make every interaction with the people around me joyous and put a smile on their face), spending quality time with my children or mom, or just studying a chess position, or even driving to an appointment where I know the customer is going to be a hard a$$ and probably throw me out in 10 minutes, doesn't matter. It's all good. If I went on about my problems it is because that is what we write about for updates.

But that's not where I live. I live in the space between. The reality is none of it truly touches me. I am the #%@$* gingerbread man.

Love you guys. Thank you.