Never good enough

[010207]

I read here more often than I post. Following along other people's journey and finding myself going through the same wave of emotions.

I spoke with a friend tonight who is going through a separationqqq too only she's the WAW. After talking with her and reading some things here, I'm getting to a place of understanding H. Sort of.

You spend years with someone feeling they aren't listening or maybe just not speaking your love language. You start building that wall and maybe losing respect. It no longer matters what they say, you don't respect their opinion. And of course, your spouse is supposed to say those things so maybe it means less. In steps OW, in my case, who says or does the same thing, but it matters more. It gives H that good on top of the world feeling. Validating his self worth. While it in no way justifies the action, on some level I get it.

I know he's still planning to move forward because he mentioned it again last night, but he's doing things he hasn't done in months. Lots of little inconsequential things that mean absolutely nothing and yet it's different. I try not to read into because in the end I'm not sure it matters anymore. But I still wonder why?

OW's fiancée asked to get together for coffee. I'm not sure this is in anyone's best interest so I've put him off. Most days I'm in an OK place. I try not to dwell on it and I feel like meeting with him will pull me down again.

Gump, thanks for the kind words. Unfortunately those things only matter to some and apparently not the man I married.