Finding ME again

[Courage]

Hi Vanilla! I appreciate the visit and your expertise, too!

I understand that you are concerned for both D and H, but in reality your welfare must come first. This is likely to deteriorate as H health declines. He is not yet dependent or unable to take care of himself. He is the dad he is and that is separate from his role as H. It truly is separate. Absolutely his sandbox.

I agree. He is the dad he is and D9 loves him. I will not get in the way of that at all. They love each other and they each deserve as much time with one another as humanly possible given his health, etc. He, however, is not incapable of getting D9 to her required things and I feel it is not too much to expect that he get her to them consistently. That is part of being a dad.

To answer your questions:

How do you eat?

Not well. I am not motivated in this area at all. When I'm especially anxious and having to deal with stbx a lot, I don't eat for days at a time. I know it's bad but things taste like cardboard or make me sick to my stomach during periods of high anxiety. When I'm less anxious, I eat intermittently and only what sounds good which, as we all know, isn't what's best for our bodies.

I do feel, however, that once this freaking divorce is over, I can resume some semblance of a reasonable diet.

What is your sleep like?

This is hard to answer. When I am anxious I am often up at odd hours of the night for weeks. It is rare that I sleep through the night but that's not entirely because of my current situation. D9 has never been a good sleeper so sometimes we are up together. I find that if I leave her to her own devices, she will wake up at 2 am, read until 6 am and then struggle all day. It could take me a week to 10 days to get her back on a reasonable schedule. If I'm up with her, I'll talk to her for a bit, limit the reading and she's asleep soon thereafter. 9+ years of this has conditioned me to sometimes wake up at 2 am for months at a time just because.

Do you exercise even a little?

This is where I could make a change. I canceled my yoga membership because the classes I liked were not at convenient times and I wasn't going. Then I bought a subscription to do yoga at home with online classes and that's just not nearly as dynamic or fun so I don't do it. I was running for a while but not much and I find I am in my head too much and continue to analyze my situation. I've tried all the tricks and music and apps and training strategies. I live where it's HOT a lot of the time so that makes it harder, too. I've thought about joining a gym to run on the treadmill but I don't know.

This is an area I need to explore. I'm scared to spend money, too. Mostly because it's on me and I feel like I need to squirrel away money to pay for that pesky attorney I keep needing.

Have you had a full PHYSICAL? Do you know your numbers?

Yes and yes. I am strong and healthy.

Do you GAL?

Not as much as I could but I do, yes. I'd love more girls nights but I just joined a political activist group that I hope to become more involved in, I host a mom's ADHD support group in my home a couple times a month. I coach swimming for the local kids swim club and that helps me get out of my head for a couple hours a couple times a week. How does this sound to you? Am I doing it?

Have treats such as massages, naILs, hairdressers......

Yes! I started getting my nails done every two weeks and while I cringe when I pay for it, I do think it's important to splurge on myself some. I get my hair done about 4 times a year which right now is fine. There's a local massage school that provides massages at a discounted rate if you're ok with the non-spa atmosphere and I indulge about twice a year. I do try in this area.

Do you need supplements or hormone support?

Supplements have largely been proven ineffective but I could take Vit D and Omega-3s. These could help me a lot. I'm not at a place yet where hormone support would help me.

Do you dress to the shoes?

Yes. Daily. I've lost my drive to be fashionable like I was even a year ago. I'll admit, I'm a pony tail girl with yesterday's deodorant on while driving D9 to school. Then run around getting things done until I have to go pick her up again. How can I improve in this area?

Have you a confidant, that loves and supports you?

Yes, I have about 6. Mostly my boyfriend, who is incredibly supportive and apparently not yet tired of hearing about all of this stuff. LOL In addition to him I have a number of friends who are there on a moment's notice. They are all over the country though so a texting relationship makes explaining things difficult but it's what I have.

An IC?

About a month ago I started seeing an IC again.

Some me time?

Since I drive 2-3 hours per day getting D9 to and from school each day I have plenty of time to just sit, listen to music, podcasts, silence, etc.

So, am I doing ok?