Finding ME again

[Courage]

The extra-cirrular activities seem to be the sticking point for you. At least that is what comes across in your posts. I don't know your daughter's schedule, so I don't know if there is room to schedule her extra-curricular activities when she is not in his care.

Yes, I feel that if he wants half of the custody, he should take on half of the parental responsibilities, too. It's not about fairness, it's more about, well, that's what parenting is. If he wants to be "fun" dad and leave the work and responsibility up to me, then he can have wednesdays and every other weekend. If he's up 50/50 custody then he can take on 50% of the work and responsibilities.

You talked about a possible 40/60 arrangement. What would this look like?

We currently have about 40/60 now and the vast majority of the shuttling falls on my portion. I'm ok with that generally because then at least i know she's getting to her things on time and prepared. He's pushing for 50/50 which is FINE, great even, but then he can pick up some of the responsibility, too.

Would you be prepared to do a 50/50 arrangement but still provide the pick and drop offs to activities. Look I may have only picked up on one of the worries you have about stbx parenting. But to me this seems to be the main one. Which appears with some parental buffering by you, may well be addressed.

Parental buffering, in this case, feels like I'm being mowed over. My time with D9 is mostly shuttling to and from things. If he wants 10% more custody then he can share the responsibility, too. I don't think that's a ridiculous expectation from a dad who wants 50% custody. With my 50% being FULL of extra curricular and his being completely unencumbered he then gets solid quality time with D9 and I get to be her Uber. If we share the ubering then we each get equal quality time, too. Does that make sense? I feel like that is super reasonable.

My suggestion would be how can you come up with a custody agreement that works to his Disney Dad parenting style. Look I know it not fair, but as my friend Zues says life isn't fair. But you have to find a solution that brings you as much peace of mind as possible. Don't get me wrong, peace of mind is does not mean physically and practically taxing. It just means your not piling mental and emotional energy on top of the practical and typical emotional demands of parenting.

I see what you're saying here and it's not really about what he "should" be doing. It's more practical than that. I can't make it so he doesn't allow her to curse at his house. I can't make him limit her video game time while she's there. But if he wants to have her half of the time, he absolutely SHOULD be required to take her to things not because that's what I want but because that is what is BEST for D9, it's what she wants and it's what she needs for her development.

PS I understand you know my friend SunnyB!!!

I do indeed!!!