*****DISCLAIMER****** What I am about to type is pathetic and not easy for me to share, for obvious reasons. Please do not think I am TOO pathetic.
Last night, D9 was watching these YouTube videos that were fake dating games. So I asked her "what are qualities you would like for Mom to find in a boyfriend"
She looks me right in the eye and says "EX-NG"
I say, no, qualities, adjectives. she says "EX-NG"
I gave her the come-on' look and she says "EX-NG"
I almost teared up and we went back to watching her show.
I hate this. On some level, I know we should be together. I actually do want to be with him. I think he knows the same, quite honestly. I believe his friends do to. I think his daughter might even. I know mine does.
I've gotten over guys I have dated pretty easily before. My ex, not so easily, but I was over him, it was the life I couldn't let go of and our family. I can't seem to get past this one. ANd it's not what could have been that I miss so horribly. I miss what we did have. I miss what was real, and not what could have been. But there are so many other things needed to make R's work, and I have learned that here. And I could have done it all, but I knew he couldn't/wouldn't at the time. Probably couldn't/wouldn't know either.
I had dreams about him last night. He just won't go away. It is making me a little nuts. Unless someone else steps in and wows me, I don't know if this will ever go away. I don't think it has for him either.
That being said, I still go forward, I still enjoy life, I am still active, fun, and social. And I can still harbor little crushes for people.
Life is just mean sometimes.
Thanks for listening. I know how pathetic this must sound.
