Today I watched a dear friend suffer through the next part of her divorce journey. The custody and care of her daughter. It triggered such strong feelings in me, taking me back to my own experience of being the child of separated parents. And I felt angry and sad at my father's actions in his spitefulness to use my sisters and I in his games with my mother. Like my friend's experience today, my father's bid for sole and full custody, was never to ensure my best interest, it was not to ensure that he was involved in my life. It was nothing more than to torture my mother. Another means of making her hurt as she had made him hurt by ending the marriage.
It is rare that I feel such a strong response to this issue, it has long been resolved, with many tears over many years and through lots of reading, and therapy and my work ( I attempt to support families to piece their children's lives back together after abuse and neglect). But sometimes life and associations bring the sting of it all back.
I am gutted, mortified for my friend, that through no decision or action of her own, she has the possibility of her losing her daughter, because of the entitlement of man, who appears to have bullied, coerced and manipulated her over years and even though wanting to be out of the marriage, still feels a right to stand over, threaten and intimidate her into giving in to his demands. What right does he have to behave in this manner. Oh that's right my father's answer always, "because their mine", meaning me and my sisters.
I am outraged that helping professionals (like myself) will not see past his charm and manipulation. My father was charming and entitled and had our (my siblings and I) court appointed lawyer eating out of the palm of his hand. Her lack of perception and understanding of my true feelings about my father, meant she didn't realise she was sending me to emotional torture every time I was required, expected to see my father for visitation. She had no idea at 13 that I knew my father well enough to know the emotional games he would play with my mother. Nor did she know my character, that I knew my own mind. I didn't require my mother's influence or judgement to influence my thinking and feeling about my father. I had a lifetime of his treatment of me, that allowed my to know my own mind. My lawyer (Shelley -yes I remember her name some 32 years after we first met) told my mother that she felt that she was manipulating us against my father. She wouldn't listen to me when I told her I knew my own mind and I didn't want to see him. I didn't want to go on holiday breaks with him. My 13 year old self was outraged at the idea I was expected to see my father when I didn't want to. I was outraged that no one saw how my mother protected me from him. I was his least favourite. Why would no one listen to me.
I am saddened today that all these years later I am watching my friend suffer as I watched my mother suffer. Her sense of powerlessness leaving her at times completely paralyzed to act. My father took the car when my parents separated and as result my mother took the 30 minute bus ride into town for every court appearance, 12 court appearances in one year, 20 something over almost three years. I remember the state of my mother when she would arrive home. She always carried sunglasses in her big black leather handbag on those days and she would arrive home wearing them. But as she removed them when she entered the house, the telltale signs of a journey of despair and devastation was written all over her face and in the redness of her swollen eyes.
That was my friend today, unable to get through an hour without the burden of loss, frustration, anger and devastation overwhelming her. The tears seeming endless. This was not her choice, this current life, this was thrust upon her. She is one the kindest, smartest and bravest woman I am fortunate enough to know. And today I could offer her nothing. Today the world seemed decidedly unfair, unjust and her ex was repugnant to me, as my father had been when I was 13 years old.
I felt ridiculously powerless and without advice today. No words would make this better. How do you encourage someone in a battle that seems so stacked against all that is good and kind and just. But I need to have faith for my friend that good will prevail, that there is justice and right will overcome wrong.
Please whoever is out there-God, the universe, the something that is bigger than us mere mortals. Watch over my friend and her daughter, and provide them with the best possible outcome that is in the best interest for all involved. Please watch over them at this time. Please provide healing and outcome that restores faith and a happy life.
To all those walking this road, let there be a light shining on you that shows you the path forward to more positive things.
