Try Not to Think Too Far Ahead

[Kyh]

Gordie, I'm glad you could get something from my posts. IDK if I'm doing things right but I'm trying to do my best.

1. You were under the same roof for a while after BD before she moved out; was it better or worse for your relationship and children after you separated?

I think things have been better but not until I got a grip on myself (IC helped me a lot). No more walking on eggshells. It didn't matter what I did or said, she would spin it to make me fail in her eyes or pull strings to make me dance to justify herself. In hindsight I think her leaving allowed me to detach more than when she was in the house with her crazy antics.

We had very little contact most of the summer. She was just awful. That really didn't change until I got custody. She was getting her way with everything bullying her way around until that point. I think it was a bit of a wakeup call. She didn't start getting better until after I agreed to shared custody if he moved back to where we live.

This was awful for the kids, I noticed a regression w/S's ASD and both kids became very clingy and were seeking attention. S would tell me about nightmares about moving and losing his things. S told me he was happy to come back and was afraid he would have to go to a new school. They are getting better with everything but it's still hard on them. OTOH it had to be hard for them in the house too. I would hate for them to think that is how a H and W live together.


2. It seems like you have a lot of contact/interaction with your W (texts, phone calls, talking at home, family outings) given that you are both involved with your kids on an almost daily basis, correct? How is this helping you achieve your goals?

Yes, we now have a lot of interaction. I couldn't do it without learning about MLC, depression, projection, etc. It certainly makes it harder to detach and have no expectations though. As far as helping to achieve goals, I think it helps with co-parenting. It also keeps her from villainizing me. I was told that couples that reconcile often start as friends; however, that brings me back to no expectations.


3. It seems like you have very strong suspicions about your W meeting up with OM, but it seems like you have a lot of self control in not asking questions. This seems like a good DB approach (I'm doing the same thing), but curious to know why did you choose this approach?

I was given this advice early on from Cali and probably others too. I was so irate when I first found out it was all I could do from showing up at OMs office but I knew that would probably land me in jail. I think the confrontation, etc. also adds to the excitement for the adulterers. I made it clear I was not okay with it though. I listen to a podcast that has helped me a lot too. A few of the points I picked up from it are that often the cheater gets an actual high from what they are doing, similar to cocaine. Another point he talks about is As being like rocket fuel, they burn hot and fast but not for long. He also says not to confront the OP unless you can be calm. I found his number and had it on my desk for months. I could never even pick up a phone without getting worked up. I finally tossed it and let it go, I was torturing myself. He's a scum bag, IDT there would be much to gain by confronting him and when I confronted W in the beginning it drove her towards him because she's out of it.


4. Your W seems to cycle from being icy cold to being relatively normal/friendly and you have detached from those cycles pretty well; a while ago you were still doing massages, etc., do you still have physical contact/affection (hugs, kisses)?

No, none at all. I did give her massages those few times but then she got really cold. I probably shouldn't have, she may have thought of it as a temp check, who knows. Before MLC I used to rub her almost daily because she was always in pain.

Certainly no hugs or kissing. IDK if I could even kiss her right now, it would be something I would have to work on IF things ever get back to that point. She wrecked me, the last time I tried to kiss her about the time I think the PA started she made it so awful and awkward it scarred me for life. The closest thing to contact we've had in months was her bumping my hand a couple times handing me something and standing close enough to bump arms showing me pictures on her phone. This is actually a huge step from where we were when I had cooties.



5. It seems like you are slowly in the divorce process, but you're not yet officially divorced, correct? When you are officially divorced, how do you expect it change your current dynamic (or perhaps not at all)?

Yes, I was served papers last spring. She was pressing for it to get done before the holidays. She was getting mad at me for anything and running to her attorney. There has been no talk about it recently. I'm just letting things be. IDK how it will change the dynamic. I deal with a lot of this day to day and will have to see how things play out at that time. I think she may see it as necessary as she tries to keep running from looking inward.

I hope this helps, I may think of something else to add later. It's late now.