Trying to follow your story, there's a lot to unpack:
1. Military. First, thank you for your service. With the deployments and everything, this can of course be extraordinarily challenging to a MR.
2. Fertility. It sounds like you had fertility issues. While this is challenging for both H and W, it can be identity shattering for the W. Did your W deal with this or did she stuff her feelings/suffer depression?
3. Children. Congratulations on your adoptions. How did your W adjust to motherhood/how did you adjust to fatherhood/how did that affect your R?
4. Career/money. It sounds like you put a lot of your interests first without your W's input or consideration, is that correct?
5. OM. It sounds like you've heard a lot and suspected a lot. What is confirmed? Is it an EA or a PA? What does she get from OM?
6. Separation. You are legally separated now. Is that going to be a long term arrangement or are there discussions of divorce?
What should you do?
1. You are right that your primary focus should be on you and improving you, which is the only thing you can control.
2. You are right that your secondary focus should be on your kids; you have them 50% of the time which is great. You said you have improved on being a dad, which is great, keep up with that.
3. You are concerned that it's hard to move the needle as (a) you have very little interaction with your W and (b) she is still involved with OM. You are right, so you need to focus on #1 and #2 above and when you do interact, make it a positive one (look good, smell good, be positive, act as if, no R talks).
1. Military. First, thank you for your service. With the deployments and everything, this can of course be extraordinarily challenging to a MR. Thank You, I appreciate that.
2. Fertility. It sounds like you had fertility issues. While this is challenging for both H and W, it can be identity shattering for the W. Did your W deal with this or did she stuff her feelings/suffer depression? She did in her own way.. but I feel that there is still some resentment and thinking that it could work with someone else.. especially with what I have heard from coworkers overhearing her communication with the other toxic employees.. I could be completely wrong on this as she loves our children but has always wanted a baby . As have I!
3. Children. Congratulations on your adoptions. How did your W adjust to motherhood/how did you adjust to fatherhood/how did that affect your R? She has always been a more hands off mother with playing with the kids and getting down on the floor with them or outside playing with them.. I brought this up when we were talking over some of the issues as a concern for me that I has always felt and wished she was more involved in that aspect. She loves them to death in different ways though. As far as me, I have been involved in the best ways I know how before but stressed by the military and other things that I placed before my family that I should not have... Since the BD, I have been full force daddy though and have done things I never thought I could before as far as being a parent. I have tried to take on Single Parent to the fullest and love it.
4. Career/money. It sounds like you put a lot of your interests first without your W's input or consideration, is that correct? That is correct.. I never intended that in my actions as I thought I was doing what was best for the family but took more of my own concerns with career and future/money to provide for them that I took my emotional piece out I think. However this was never fully communicated till recently. Or I did not see the signs and concerns she had before...
5. OM. It sounds like you've heard a lot and suspected a lot. What is confirmed? Is it an EA or a PA? What does she get from OM? Confirmed on the EA pieces through my snooping.. I know bad.. but I wanted to know.. Suspected by OM staying overnight on numerous occasions at our house "As a friend" while I was gone and his interactions with her and the kids that had never been there before.. I felt that I was being replaced by him when I was gone and that her intentions had I left for the full training would be that he would do more.. I feel what she gets from him right now is attention and affection through talking and telling her everything she wants/needs to hear that I was not providing correctly..
6. Separation. You are legally separated now. Is that going to be a long term arrangement or are there discussions of divorce? I actually asked this question when she started with wanting a separation and to her there is no timeline.. she could only say the state requires that we be separated for a year before anything else happens.. She hasn't said that she wants a D.. but also hasnt said anything about R and doesn't show any intentions about wanting that..
. As have I!
