Newby here . . . (Thread 7)

[JRuss]

Gordie -- the 90-day clock isn't technically ticking but will start doing so sometime this week when I get served. Practically speaking, it usually takes more like 100 days to get everything done because the court's docket fills up, and it's hard getting a date for a final hearing right at 90 usually. In terms of how we interact, the kids now know and even know the approximate timing. Both of us have been doing a fair amount of one-on-one talking with the children. THe kids are actually a little more relaxed, at least outwardly. In terms of interactions with W, she seems more at peace now that she knows she's getting what she wants, and I've stopped overtly trying to save things, and she's less prone to picking fights or being overtly hostile. I've gotten better at not telegraphing to the entire family how I'm feeling. That was a weak point of mine. I'm still really, really down about losing this four-person family, but it was hurting my kids to see their Dad upset, sad, etc. And, from time to time, I'm able to generate real enthusiasm for this new life that's coming whether I want it to or not.

FG -- it's hard to know exactly what S10 was/is feeling because he isn't really able to articulate it. I think some combination of fear/anxiety, sadness and anger (hmmm, I recognize those things). Anyway, it translated into bouts of very angry yelling and throwing stuff around his room several times over a few week period, where the reaction really didn't fit the underlying stimuli (e.g., his sister would needle him or something, and he'd go off the reservation). He's calmed considerably since we told him that, while it is going to happen (he was hoping it wouldn't somehow), it's going to unfold pretty slowly, and all of us are going to be ok. He has in the past told me that he's angry at this mother (he understands the general dynamic: she's unhappy and wants this, I don't, etc.). I haven't brought it up again with him, but hopefully some of my W's talks with him have helped there. The weak part of me felt gratitude that my boy "had my back", but the sane part quickly realized him being angry is no good for him at all (even if he's right to have some anger at her, I think). He needs to love both parents and not mess his head up thinking about they whys and why nots of our M.

Re midlife crisis, no real traumas in her childhood other than her parents being in a not great marriage. They apparently fought a lot -- lots of bickering, with mom doing a lot of passive aggressive stuff, apparently. My wife must have taken good notes, but I digress. Anyway, they figured it out somehow (getting their kids raised surely helped), ended up quite happy and just had their 50th anniversary. There was a lesson there, but W chose not to see it. She had three siblings all closely bunched in terms of age, and she was 3/4 in birth order. I think she didn't get a lot of individualized attention, for what that's worth. She would go to her room and fantasize about magical, exciting things. Still does, I think.

If you have any interest in such things, check out The Enneagram personality stuff. My W is a type 4, and the descriptions of what goes on their heads when they aren't happy overall with their life is eerily spot-on. Learning about that helped me some because I realized we were always going to end up here given my W's persistent inability to make that leap to understanding that happiness, if you're going to have it, emanates from inside you. It isn't given to you by another person or by life experiences or any of that. Gratitude for what life is -- instead of dreaming of what it could instead be -- is her biggest personal growth obstacle, and she shows no signs of getting moving.