This is my first post here. I've read The Divorce Remedy as well as some of Michele's articles online, which led me to this community. I'd love to do some counseling, but with a separation looming, I can't do it right now. So I'm hoping to get some insight from those in the know. Like most people in this situation, I'm an absolute mess. My story is long but I will try to keep is as brief yet detailed as I can. Feel free to ask questions and I can provide info. I've been reading a lot of articles on this board and think I'm at the "going dark" stage of the game right now.
H and I have been married for 18-1/2 years, together for almost 20. He is 42, I'll be 42 this week actually. We have two daughters aged 10 and 12. Our oldest has ADHD and mild ASD (autism spectrum disorder, her particular level would be called Asperger's if it were still given as a dx). H and I both work in finance and have often worked at the same firms over the years. We have been best friends since the start. We don't fight per se, but we don't avoid it. We have arguments when we have to, and bicker occasionally about inconsequential stuff. We agree on the major things (children, finances, etc). Good relationships with both of our families. Both sets of parents are still married. No drugs or alcohol or physical/emotional abuse. My husband's father has depression and a real stigma about it. He's also a hoarder. Not bad enough to be on TV, but bad enough for it to be an issue in their household. The father's sister has also had some similar mental health issues over the years with depression/manic episodes. Before the last year, I would say my husband is one of the best men I know. Honorable, respectful, a good provider and an attentive father. He has been since day one. He's not my doormat and is extremely stubborn (which is why things are so rough right now I think).
So there's a little background on us. I love him with all of my heart, as do our girls. H has struggled mentally with his career. He is successful and earns a good living, is respected by his colleagues. But it's not exactly what he's always wanted to do, and he doesn't find it fulfilling. So he doesn't enjoy it.
About 8 years ago, he was promoted to a great position with a boss/mentor that he really respected. He was feeling great. This lasted for about 3 years, and then the company dissolved the region he managed. He floundered at the company for about a year in various positions before leaving and joining a different financial firm. I had spent the last 5 years as a SAHM but needed to go back to work full time when he switched jobs due to the decrease in salary. The next firm was in the middle of a merger and the year he spent there was exhausting for our family. He worked close to 15 hour days, traveled often. The work s@cked and he was never home. I was adjusting from not working to working full time with 2 kids in school None of us were happy. Then he found a better job, at the company where I am/was working. With the exception of some problems at the company, things were a lot better. We were feeling like things were finally starting to get better on the work/financial side when in Feb 2015 it was announced that our company was being bought out (happens a lot in this industry). My sister and brother in law are high up in this company - my BIL was the CEO. Things were handled in a way that a lot of strain was put on family relationships and we didn't talk with them for over a year. About 4 months after the merger was announced, we knew his job would be eliminated so he went back to the old firm, who wanted him back. He wasn't excited to go back there, and tried a few ideas over the next 6 months to get something else off the ground. Those things fell through, so I think he resolved to stay where he is for the time being.
During this time, our daughter was dx with autism, but honestly parenting her has been a struggle for many years. She is not hard to love, but just hard to raise. School and behavior are a challenge and balancing the attention she needs with our neurotypical daughter is a challenge, especially for me. By January of 2016 we were on a hamster wheel of crappy exhausting jobs and business/challenges/doctors appts with the kids. By the time we got home at night, we were zombies. I kept thinking that if we could just hold on long enough, things would get better and life would get back to normal. We didn't fight about things, but I think we kind of retreated to our separate corners to lick our wounds.
In April 2016 he sat me down to tell me that he feels we've drifted apart and his feelings toward me have changed. I guess you'd call that the first bomb drop? I had always viewed us as a team and would have never thought he'd say that. I should point out that we weren't having a lot of sex, but neither of us was asking for it, so it was another thing I chalked up to getting better when other things calmed down. We did a lot of trips and fun things as a family very consistently. We didn't get a lot of date nights either, we rarely had a babysitter available. So I can see where intimacy slipped away from us.
I had been feeling kind of crappy and depressed, so I saw my doctor and had my hormones and thyroid checked. All was good with me. H thought it would be good to see a therapist because he couldn't figure out why he was feeling so numb toward me. He saw her once alone, then she suggested we start going together. We saw her for 6 months. I tried so many things - we read most of I love you but... , I read a bazillion articles. I set up dates for us, surprised him with a weekend away. I couldn't get him to be physical, could barely get him to hold my hand. Therapist kept talking to him about his "truths", told him he was a people pleaser who was always putting others ahead of his wants. 6 months and we weren't getting anywhere. Therapist also does hypnotherapy, so she did a hypnosis with him in Oct. He sits me down in November to tell me that (1) during the hypnosis session he realizes he has had doubts about our marriage from the beginning (no way, just, no way is that true) and (2) that while under hypnosis if he still wanted to work on our marriage and he said no and (3) even though I asked repeatedly if he had feelings or was involved with someone else, that in fact he DID have feelings for someone else. This is a woman who is his boss at work who is 10 years younger than him. She is also married. We have sat together at company parties. She knows me and knows that we have kids. He claims he started feeling attracted to her last winter while they were traveling and working closely together, but when he started to realize this he distanced himself from her and they stopped spending any time together. She bought him an xbox game for Christmas last year that they used to play together. I'm not a jealous woman. I sat next to him on the couch and knit while they played. What a fool I was! I don't know if he's telling the truth that nothing happened, but I do know that no one believes it. He also told me that he had been reading about MLC and depression and thinks that both are in play (he took up the guitar over the summer). He has lost over 20 pounds (he was 6'2" and 200 lbs - already lean) and wasn't sleeping well at night. I know that he still is not sleeping at night even now. He said he does not need to see a doctor or get on meds because leaving me will fix his depressed feelings. That he is depressed because he "hadn't faced his truth". I'd like to sock that therapist. She also encouraged him NOT to tell me about OW as it wouldn't bring anything to the table. So they both know about it the entire time we were going.
So I guess the 2nd bomb drop ("I don't want to work on things anymore") was on Nov 4 2016. He moved downstairs to our family room and stayed there until Dec 31. He rented a house about 5 minutes away (which his parents are currently paying rent and utilities on) and moved out over New Year's. I started separation proceedings to protect the girls and I because he is acting so unpredictably to his character that I'm not sure what he's doing anymore. The separation agreement should be final this week if his lawyer doesn't raise a stink.
This past Friday I have learned that his boss/OW quit her job and Friday was her last day. I know many people in his office, and was told that the rumors are flying about the 2 of them and that she quit as a preemptive move since she's his boss. I have no proof of an affair, but I think rumors exist for a reason. I sent him a text and asked if he was still sticking to his story of not being involved with her. He said "oh I guess you heard she quit, well she hated her job, blah blah blah" and was angry that people were spreading rumors and that they would bring them back to me. I responded "when you are ready to tell the truth, let me know." He responded with a long email about how we drifted apart years ago (no, we did not.), and how he has gotten to know her more recently and thinks it may make sense to ask her out. He claims that he did try even though I think he didn't, and that he wants to find happiness and find someone who inspires him to love them and be a better husband, which apparently I don't. I lit into him, mostly because I hadn't yet as I had been trying to fix things. I told him he was selfish, that I didn't believe he wasn't having an affair and that what he was supposed to do (since he asked) was honor his commitment to ME and attempt to reconnect with ME and save our family. I told him he was a cliché and he couldn't even see it because he was too stubborn. I am aware these are all the don'ts, but honest to God, it's the worst night I've had in a long time and I just had to let it out. He has texted me twice about dumb things "I have to work on your car one night when I pick the girls up" and "I'm going to drop A's stuff off in a few minutes, FYI". I've not responded and have made sure I don't see him at all when he comes by. I am so hurt and angry that "going dark" doesn't feel too difficult right now.
I'm working on myself. I saw my doctor in November after not eating or sleeping for a week and losing 10 lbs. She put me on Zoloft and Xanax as needed. I still don't sleep well, but I can function. I've started running 3 days a week. I try to hang out with friends more. So I'm working on GAL and doing ok with it on the outside. But I'm miserable on the inside and I cry every night. Our girls are sad and don't understand why he wanted to leave me. I don't understand it. I had my own crap to work on way back in April, and I owned it. He didn't like that I cussed a lot and in front of the kids. I stopped cussing. The girls helped me keep it in check and I stopped. I'm anxious, and I get really short tempered and stressed out, especially with the kids. I worked really hard on that and the kids and I have a wonderful relationship. I made amends with my Sis and BIL and things are great there. My job is going well. I feel like I owned my part in things and fixed it. He acknowledges it and says he still doesn't feel the same.
We are planning to put our house on the market in April. We had been planning to sell anyhow as it's too big and we can't afford it comfortably anyhow. So I'm still living there with the girls, we have a 3/3/4/4 custody arrangement. Once the house sells I need to find somewhere to live. We are keeping finances as is until the house sells or 9/1/17, at which time child support and maintenance will start.
I don't want to divorce him. In NY you go through a year of separation before filing, unless there are other extenuating circumstances such as adultery or abuse that would allow you to file for divorce sooner, as well as some new thing where you can file saying the marriage has been irretrievably broken for 6 months.
We don't talk about the relationship much - when he does he is full on martyr and rewriting our history. He says he sometimes had down feelings but he thought all married people go through that (WE DO) but realizes that's not true. I think he's looking for the limerance and not the maturity of lasting bonds. He hasn't mentioned the word divorce, although my lawyer had us design the separation agreement for the long haul so that we don't have to go back to court if we divorce. So we've planned for the worst in the agreement but he doesn't seem to be in a rush to do anything now that he's moved out.
Ugh, I said I would try to keep this as short as possible but failed miserably! I just wanted to include as much about the picture as I could. I'm sure there are still more things I could add. Feel free to ask and feel free to hit me with any hard truths you see. I think it's a MLC, but maybe I'm just hoping that it is because then there would be a chance he would wake up and come back to us. This is a person who shares all of my interests and hobbies, a person I share intellectual conversations with. We can communicate our thoughts without even speaking. I never ever thought we would be apart. I still wake up thinking it's a bad dream because it's so unbelievable. Our families are beside themselves because it happened so out of the blue.
