But also looking at our own failings can lead us down two paths: change for the better within our own selves; or, down the rabbit hole of depression/what ifs.
I thinking I feeling 75% better with the recognition of my failures and 25% depressed. That 25% is getting less because I realize that the Distancer situation contributed to my response and exacerbated my shiddy personality traits.
I wish a successful DBer (BlueWave?) would weigh in. What we're basically saying here is just to give up once we recognize the permenance of our spouse's problems.
I thinking I feeling 75% better with the recognition of my failures and 25% depressed. That 25% is getting less because I realize that the Distancer situation contributed to my response and exacerbated my shiddy personality traits.
The thing is that you have recognized them and are actively changing your own self for you, not for the recognition of your H. I can't remember the poster on here who talked of changing in hopes their wife would recognize, but that's one of the ones who would end up bitter and angry...because they made changes for the wrong reason.
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What we're basically saying here is just to give up once we recognize the permenance of our spouse's problems.
I get what you are saying. In reality, what can we do when there is nothing we can do? It's really down to two things: either spin our own wheels trying to do whatever in order to keep them, which in turn causes nothing but pain; or, we do the tougher thing an give up - which is sometimes the best option. I'm never one to give up on anything in life, but I'll once again use my ex as an example. I've done all I can. Now that things (the abuse and how she handles things) have come to light, I know how to respond and act but its too late for that now. She burned that bridge and doesn't care to even try anymore. When she runs, she runs for good.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
It's funny, but reading in another thread has gotten me to thinking which led to me going down the dark path again. I slipped and texted the ex that I missed her. Sigh. FML.
I can't even hate her. Or even have feelings of dislike anymore. That would make things so much easier. But, no, I can't even do that anymore. Sure, at one time hate consumed me. But, over time, it left and all that was left was the love.
I'm watching a death spiral in her now. Her FB posts are becoming more erratic and there is nothing I can do. Sure, she gets the support on there from family and friends. I don't answer her stuff. Maybe I should - who knows. I know what many of her friends - and some, if not most, of what her family does not know, and that is the abusive past she suffered.. That saddens me...saddens me to watch the demons take hold of who was once was everything to me. I know I shouldn't be bothered by what's happening to her. But I am. Part of me is afraid for her.
She wanted this to happen, not me. I've done all I can do but yet I feel so powerless.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I'm watching a death spiral in her now. Her FB posts are becoming more erratic and there is nothing I can do. Sure, she gets the support on there from family and friends. I don't answer her stuff. Maybe I should - who knows. I know what many of her friends - and some, if not most, of what her family does not know, and that is the abusive past she suffered.. That saddens me...saddens me to watch the demons take hold of who was once was everything to me. I know I shouldn't be bothered by what's happening to her. But I am. Part of me is afraid for her.
Jeep,
I know what you mean. My wife's childhood abuse is coming back to haunt her and she hangs out with people that aren't going to help her and they'll likely cause even more damage. I just make sure my sons are safe; beyond that, there isn't anything I can do.
I just make sure my sons are safe; beyond that, there isn't anything I can do.
Doodler,
Does she get them, too? How can you be sure they aren't being introduced to "bad" things while with her? Forgive me, but I've forgotten your kids' ages. Mine are 4 and 6. I'm not so sure she isn't doing some sort of parental alienation. I'm hearing talk from the only family member of hers that is left on my side that her and her sister are up to something as far as the kids are concerned. That scares me.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Yeah. That text was a weak, weak moment. No reply, nor do I expect one.
The death spiral is that her posts - and some behaviors - are suggesting that she is slipping mentally and losing what strength she has left, I fear. As you recall, her childhood was horrific beyond anyone's worst nightmare - and I only touched on part of it here...there is so much that I am aware of that I can honestly say I am surprised that she functions as well as she does. Sigh.
The one and only ally I have in her camp told me on the down low that her and her sister are up to something. What it was, she didn't really know but as she catches more she will fill me in. No one knows that I have an ally in camp and will keep it that way for as long as possible. Remember that they staged the house, questioned my mental stability , etc. I have no doubt they are up to something. Remember that at one time she told my son that he needs to spend more time with her...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Does she get them, too? How can you be sure they aren't being introduced to "bad" things while with her? Forgive me, but I've forgotten your kids' ages. Mine are 4 and 6. I'm not so sure she isn't doing some sort of parental alienation. I'm hearing talk from the only family member of hers that is left on my side that her and her sister are up to something as far as the kids are concerned. That scares me.
Jeep,
Yes, my xW and I have the 50-50 split (one week on and one week off). However, I generally have them a little more that 50% and my percentage has been creeping up (I have a special clause in the mediation agreement).
My sons are 12 and 14 and they both have cell phones. They know what to do if anyone starts creating trouble; yell, scream, dial 911 and call daddy.
My xW knows the boundaries on the people she can have around the boys and she knows the end result if she exposes them to people that they shouldn't be around. If it's the OM; he's not walking away. If it's others, then I'll haul her @ss into court and she'll have to endure psychological testing. She's deathly afraid of psych testing.
Regarding parental alienation, my xW has spewed all sorts of stuff about me, but my sons are old enough to know that she's full of poopy so the disparaging remarks haven't had any real impact.
I'm lucky that my sons are old enough to figure things out.
I have a special clause in the mediation agreement
Can you explain this?
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My sons are 12 and 14 and they both have cell phones. They know what to do if anyone starts creating trouble; yell, scream, dial 911 and call daddy.
I wish mine were able to do this. When skyping with them she has gotten very, very short and yells. On at least one occasion she has stopped it only to call back a few minutes later. I put in the agreement that Skype/calls/etc would be whenever either the parent or kids want it - I do it at least twice as much as she.
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My xW knows the boundaries on the people she can have around the boys and she knows the end result if she exposes them to people that they shouldn't be around. If it's the OM; he's not walking away. If it's others, then I'll haul her @ss into court and she'll have to endure psychological testing. She's deathly afraid of psych testing.
What kind of boundaries and how? I had put in mine that no people with abusive history, criminals, etc. But how do you enforce it - how do you enforce what you don't know? Do your kids rat her out? And as far as the OM goes, this one won't be walking out, either.
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I'm lucky that my sons are old enough to figure things out.
Mine aren't there yet. They still believe in her.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
The parties agree that within two (2) years from the date of the Final Judgment adopting this Agreement that if either parent believes that continuing this timesharing schedule is not in the children’s best interests, that parent may petition the court to modify the timesharing schedule based on the best interests of the children standard alone and without the need to show a substantial, material, unanticipated, and continuing change in circumstances. The parties acknowledge the importance of frequent and continuing contact with both parents; they agree to be flexible, and to consider and acknowledge the wishes and requests of the children as they relate to the timesharing schedule.
My xW's lawyer wanted to limit the clause to less than one year, but I insisted on two years. In two years my oldest son will be 16 and he'll be able to drive and go where he wants to go.
As far as enforcing boundaries is concerned, my sons are old enough that they'd tell me who they've been exposed to. They know who shouldn't be around them. I don't have to ask; they tell me everything. Enforcing has been easy. The OM won't come near the boys even in public places; he never gets closer than 30 feet or so. I inspired him to do the right thing. As far as anyone else they shouldn't be around, my xW is afraid of losing the boys so she does a good job of keeping them away. I also think she loves the boys enough that she understands that she shouldn't expose the boys to those people.
My sons love my xW, and I don't want that to change, but actions speak louder than words and they know which parent to trust.
