Gordie: Pulling it all together 2

[Gordie]

Wow, great advice/insight.

1. You are right, any hint of criticism results in a rage. I didn't connect that with her seeing and rebelling against me as an authority figure, wow.

2. My W's POM makes no sense at all, except for his age and the fact that he sees my W as an authority figure (she is his boss)--never connected those dots. I know it is her fantasy but don't know why he would leave his GF to be with a woman 20 years his senior with a H or XH and 5 children.

3. I watch her all the time. How do I stop? Yes, and I need to focus more on me. I haven't really done this despite everyone here telling me this is what I have to do!

4. What do you mean by mirror but be vanilla?

[Gordie]

Venting:

My love languages are words of affirmation and physical touch. In my W's current state, I get criticism for everything I do and everything I am; and she is now avoiding my physical touch. Ugh, I do my best to not let it bother me but the truth is that it does. It really, really hurts.

Focusing on me. Things I want to change about me, brainstorming:

*Further strengthen relationships with children, more one on one time
*Live a simpler, less materialistic life; get rid of stuff
*Be happier, more joyful, smile and laugh more (not sad and grumpy)
*Learn how to better manage my emotions (avoid stuffing/falling apart)
*Exercise more of my creative and artistic self
*Cultivate my spiritual life and fellowship; read the Bible and pray more
*Do more things just for fun; allow myself to be frivolous
*Process my own family of origin issues and fear of abandonment
*Make further strides in strength and conditioning
*Improve my financial life/reduce debt
*Spend more time with friends
*Get a new, more promising job
*Read more books for pleasure
*Go to the movies, concerts and sporting events that I like

[Gordie]

So W met with L and wants to proceed with D and not separation. Does this make me a DB failure? Sigh.

[HaWho]

It absolutely does not make you a failure. Your worth is not synched to your marriage. It takes two to marry and only one (crazy) person to uncouple. You can't control her.

And, even those who do reconcile after MLC acknowledge that it is up to the MLCer to work through those issues. It's not as though that LBS did everything "right" and is therefore a "success." And, conversely, those whose marriages are not restored are not failures. No one can fix those issues for the MLCer, he/she has to do it and then wake up enough to want to try to work on the m, if the LBS is even still around.

I am sorry she wants this though. But it's about her and her issues.

As for what I meant for be "vanilla," I meant try not to be reactive. She will say all sorts of crazy things (as you have seen). Try not to engage, reason with her, react with body language, etc. Try to listen and validate if there is something to validate. Otherwise, try to stay out of her space.

As for not watching, personally, for the longest time, I had to leave the house to keep from rubber necking.

As you can see, your w, currently is a broken version of herself. The reason your m will not work right now is she emotionally has regressed. She will seek out band-aids to make her feel better (younger clothes, running around, spending, vitamins, diets, OM, etc.).

From my understanding, it is the child within MLC who has the affair. (And they have to affair down as the pickings are slim when one is so broken.) They choose a partner who is on their emotional level. I believe, usually, the child (on a subconscious level) picks someone whom they can work through their various issues.

You are the prize. Hold your head up high, square your shoulders and take care of you. She has to figure things out for herself.

[Kyh]

Gordie,

I'm sorry this is happening but it is par for the MLC course. And no it doesn't make you a DB failure. Keep your focus and you and your kids, they will really need you while your W is out in MLC land. I like your list of goals, they focus on you GALing and your kids. Unfortunately there is nothing we can do except take care our ourselves while our SO is set on their path.

If you haven't already go speak with/retain a good attorney asap. Shop around if you need to.

Take care or yourself we are all here for you.

[ForGump]

Gordie,

I hear you and can feel your pain. We all come here hoping we can do something, anything... even if the mantra is to focus on ourselves.

I like your list. I am not a believer, but I hope your faith gives you strength.

[job]

Gordie,

Please do not look at yourself as a failure. You are doing everything possible to save your marriage. Unfortunately, your spouse is broken and the only way that she sees "feeling better" is filing for the divorce. MLCers are broken at a very early age by being emotionally stunted by someone in authority. It could have been her father, mother, relative, teacher, etc., but she wasn't recognized for her accomplishments or listened to by the authority figure. Some MLCers have been abused mentally, emotionally and/or physically at a young age. If she was not able to navigate each quarter life crisis, they will eventually end up having a midlife crisis.

DB is not just to help you save your marriage, but it's a way of life to help you navigate the bends, bumps and holes in your life's path. Now, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue being the best Gordie that you can be. Just because she's gone to a lawyer, that doesn't mean it's the end of your story. Anything can happen along the way. She could drag the divorce out for a long period of time. For instance, My xh filed and then proceeded to drag it out for two years and when I stopped the bantering back and forth between the lawyers, he then pressed forward.

The bottom line is this, if you have faith and hope, you can get through anything. The past is gone, the future is the here and now and no one knows what the future holds. Live life to the fullest and let's hope and pray that she'll come to here senses soon.

[Gordie]

HaWho--"Your worth is not synched to your marriage. It takes two to marry and only one (crazy) person to uncouple. You can't control her."...thank you for reminding me of this. You are right, the M will not work right now. I just having a hard time accepting that this is actually happening!

Kyh--"Keep your focus and you and your kids, they will really need you while your W is out in MLC land"...yes, I really have to shift my attention away from my W. And yes, I already have an attorney. I've had him on retainer but haven't really engaged him yet as I wasn't sure my W was going to pull the trigger.

ForGump--"I hope your faith gives you strength"...yes, it does, even when my prayers aren't answered in the way/time I want them to be, I know God is there and will continue to look out for me. Your W had you served last week...my W will likely serve me this week or next...need to order another round!

Job--"Just because she's gone to a lawyer, that doesn't mean it's the end of your story. Anything can happen along the way. She could drag the divorce out for a long period of time. For instance, My xh filed and then proceeded to drag it out for two years and when I stopped the bantering back and forth between the lawyers, he then pressed forward." Two years, really?

One of the questions I have is that we're still under the same roof and in the same bed, do I switch tactics now, or just keep doing what I've been doing? W's L estimates from filing to finalization, that this should take a month. So at least one more month before I move out.

***

Journaling:

So last night after our D discussion, W acts like everything is normal and is unusually chatty with me about non-D stuff. I engaged like a friendly neighbor, but was feeling a shallow sadness, accepting and not denying my reality. I didn't sleep well, tossed and turned all night, kept praying for God's help, and woke up tired. I was happy it was a Monday so I could leave the house for work. W gives me a kiss goodbye and then texts me something about the kids while I'm on my way to work.

[job]

Gordie,

I would continue as you have been. Your wife is clearly a confused woman and is bouncing all over the place. Try to keep the focus on you and your children.

[Gordie]

Really interesting insightful posts from Amyc re her MLC mindset saved by cadet:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741&page=1

As an exWAS, I have to say, I think I EXPECTED that my husband knew the things that pissed me off...so I never really even tried to talk about it. I guess I was under that stupid impression that if he loved me, he'd change (God, was I THAT ignorant!? UGH!) So it really did just snowball and instead of trying to talk about it reasonably like an adult, I got derailed by MLC and then couldn't even manage to form a coherent friggin sentence that would begin to explain the garbage in my head. BUT, while IN the MLC, I told my husband that he'd had plenty of time to turn things around.

1. It is almost impossible for me to comprehend that they don't see any of it, none at all?

See what exactly? We know we're b*tches from hell but what we DON'T fully comprehend is WHY. It takes a long time for that to begin to come clear. MLC is rooted in unresolved issues, aging and thinking about possible things we might have missed out on, thoughts of 'what I might be able to do if I left this bullsh*t behind...after all, I'm only getting older'... it is rooted in the mundane things we do everyday and no one notices anymore. We might have woken up and realized we have no identity other than "wife and mother" and everything inside us starts screaming PAY ATTENTION TO ME. You most likely don't see much of that internal stuff until it overflows in the form of anger that has you looking at us like our heads just spun around on our shoulders because you asked if, while we're out, we can pick you up something at the store (or something equally stupid). So there it is. The anger and confusion that has festered is now fullblown MLC and you're about to start sleeping with one eye open for however long you stay under the same roof.

2. And nothing, nothing at all can reach her? Amy, did you have family and friends (not H) pulling you aside for any reality checks?

I had every single person absolutely convinced that I knew what I was doing. I had so deluded myself, that everyone else fell right into line supporting me.

3. Did they see what was going on, and now in retrospect, accurately lay it out in front of you as to what you were doing and how you were acting?

No one had a clue. Only since coming out of MLC and WALKING BACK have I told the story in it's entirety to my family. My mother, grandmother, aunt, sister...they ALL know what MLC is now. But they never knew I was so screwed up.

4. Did they tell you that you have your head up your a** and you're the only one that can't see how silly this is? And if so, it meant nothing to you?

I can tell you beyond the shadow of a doubt that there was NOTHING ANYONE could have said to me that would have moved me. As an example, right smack dab in the middle of my MLC, while practicing adultery, I sat my self-righteous butt in church and my Pastor pointed his finger straight at me one day during an altar call and he said to me "how long are you going to sit there?"