Working on a Trial Separation Agreement with MLC H

[ccgrrl]

Thanks everyone.
Financially I'm not terribly worried as he isn't showing any signs of that kind of behavior. More importantly, although the house and our main checking acct are jointly held, there are absolutely no credit cards that are joint accounts, which is helpful.

One thing that's come up lately is that it is difficult to talk about this with some people. I don't know why exactly, but I have been able to keep myself centered on what I call "compassionate pragmatism" through this. By that I mean once I was able to detach, I have been looking at things in a very pragmatic way, but also really trying to maintain compassion for my H. I spent 27 years with this person and I do not regret that one bit. We have two amazing children and we both raised them equally, so although I have detached, I do try to be as compassionate as I can be not only in dealing directly with him, but in talking about him with others. Some people seem to find this very hard to wrap their heads around.

In particular, my mother just wants to cut him down and tell me why she never thought I should have married him anyway, and just junk like that. She divorced my father when I was a toddler because he had an affair (and also was a jerk) and then she had another marriage that lasted about 12 years I think, but they were separated for 9 of those years. Anyway, she brings all that baggage to the way she sees this and I think she gets frustrated and thinks something is wrong with me because I don't seem angry or hurt enough.

Does anyone else have this? If it was just a friend, I just wouldn't talk to that person about this, but this is my mother, so we're pretty close and this topic is going to come up regularly. My H. didn't actually have an affair (although he clearly wants to) and really is going through a MLC, so I'm not that angry at this point because all he's really done is tell me what's been on his mind for some time.

I'm disappointed in him for not telling me sooner. I'm hurt that he wants to be with other women. I feel he has devalued our relationship by not attempting to work on it rather than dump it. But it doesn't help me to rag on him. How do you deal with other family members' emotions around this? Do I sound like I'm "too rational" or delusional or something? I'm just trying to focus on me and my kids and I don't want to be one of those people who lose their compassion for someone who has hurt them. Why should I not still be the compassionate person I was? What good will that do?

Just thinking aloud as usual, but wondering if anyone has any tips on dealing with my mom and others who want me to be more irrational and upset.