Gordie: Pulling it all together 2

[HaWho]

Hi Gordie - saw your post on my thread and wanted to jump over here to say thanks for the very kind words.

Like you are the opposite of your FIL, I am the polar opposite of my MIL. We have virtually nothing in common, neither in interests nor opinions. In fact, before she knew I played tennis at a fairly competitive level, she once told me she was 'horrified' that women participated in anything other than dance! She said women had no business being in sports!!

Anyway, I noticed pretty early on that my h kept trying to make me his mother. In the early days when he was zombie-like from the fog he actually gave me 'permission' to do several crazy things his mother did when he was little. I told him I was not his mother and I had zero interest in being her. This was before I knew this was MLC; back when I thought he must have a brain tumor (he was that confused.)

Just don't let yourself become the authority figure. For me, things changed when I started to smile and say "have fun" as he was going out during his hey day of replay. Then when the door closed I would go find all sorts of ways to vent all my resentment and anger; lots of rugged hikes mostly. (I wanted to make a voodoo doll of him though.) Prior to that, any whiff of disapproval from me and h doubled down. If she's running all around, try it and see what that does. Just act as if it doesn't bother you one bit.

And try hard not to watch her. I was horrible at this. I had owl eyes for the longest time. It was so astounding what I was witnessing. I just couldn't believe it.

In general, I would mirror her but be vanilla. Listen, validate and try not to linger or draw out conversations. Try to seem a touch distracted. In the early days this helped me, too. I always left conversations first. (This was a 180 for me, at first it felt like I was being rude.)

My h also tried to act like he was in his 20's. He became besties with men who had never been married.

As for your wife's interest in younger men, I am sure she wants to prove that she can still be attractive to a 20 year old. My h thought EVERY woman wanted him. He is attractive for sure. But, he did not seem to grasp the concept that, most likely, any 20 or 30 year old with her act together wouldn't be interested in him. A-he was married. B-she would probably naturally gravitate to a similarly aged man, not to a man her father's age.

They really do live in a parallel universe.

Just focus on you. Be polite but a touch aloof. Like you are okay and moving forward.