I did not come to the forum for some time now as after holidays things at work got so crazy that in the evenings I just collapsed to bed, unable to read anything.
Apart from that, I'm fine. I already got all results from all the medical tests and it's all good. Meaning all dangerous illnesses were ruled out. So, I'm happy! I'm not 100% yet, it will still take some time but at least I don't freak out anymore about what it could be.
A lot of things happened with my MLCer in the past few weeks. And I must say I'm very surprised by my own feelings. I don't know if it's temporary or it's final but my feelings towards my h got very negative at first and now I'm completely indifferent. I really feel bad about it. I feel like I'm a heartless monster. Just cannot help it. I'll explain from the start:
On h's request/suggestion, we agreed some time before Xmas that I'll stay with the kids to spend it with him and then he'll help me drive to our second home. I said I will stay but I don't want to end up being alone on Xmas day, if he comes just for an hour or so, kids will go to their rooms after some time and I'll be alone instead of my family who are already disappointed that we are not coming to spend Xmas with them this year. H said, if I stay he will spend the whole day at home with us, will go buy sea food for dinner, I should not worry. To cut the story short: a week before Xmas eve he said he'll take the kids to see his parents. They will leave 23/12 and come back 24/12 (we celebrate Xmas on 24/12). I didn't say anything, just ordered sea food from a restaurant and let him do what he wants.
They arrived very late (he could not know there would be such traffic jam etc....). So, stupid me, I stayed so he's not alone for Xmas and I ended up spending the whole day by myself. But we had nice dinner after they came, exchanged presents (I also got one from h - a book), played some games and the next morning we left.
He spent 2 days with us in our second home and he left while me and kids went to spend a week with my parents. In the evening of 31/12 he texts me to agree that he'll call after midnight. I said fine, we'll be still up. He didn't call, so I just sent a picture of kids wishing him happy new year. He replied to all of us but did not call. Didn't call kids on 1/1 either. I thought it was because I was driving back from my parents to our second home to spend another week there with the kids and he didn't want to disturb while driving. I let him know we arrived, he said good but did not call them. S13 went to bed around 7pm, he always does that when something is wrong. I talked to him and he said he was very disappointed that his father did not call. We talked, I calmed him down and let him sleep.
Later that week, h let me know that he had some complication and he needs to do some tests before his hernia operation to see if hernia not a secondary thing to something else like a big polyp or cancer. I told him not to fly then, that I'll leave with the kids a day early, so if too tired to drive by myself in one day, we can sleep over somewhere halfway. He said no, he's coming to get us and it's fine. He came, explained in detail what doctor told him, we had nice dinner all together in a restaurant (if someone was watching us they must have thought what a happy family) and then the "harmony" continued in the car on the way back home the next day. We talked about neutral things, work etc., laughed a lot, joked around. And then, just a few km left to home, we talk about kids and I mentioned that they were disappointed he did not call to wish them happy new year. And then the explosion, he finds it unbelievable that his kids and his parents all think it's his responsibility to call. Nobody called him (he said he will call). I told him since he wants to keep his "private life private" we never know where he is, what he does, so we don't call anymore especially when he said he will. He said if we don't know whether our call would disturb him, we should first check with him by sending a text (!!!).
We came back home and he started to tell me he has to divorce me, there is no other way, I'm terrible, he cannot live with someone like me. He doesn't know how his operation will go, he may die, but if he makes it, he made himself a promise and I'll see! When I asked what promise, he said his promises to himself are his promises and it's none of my business.... He cannot stand me, he feels like trowing up every time he sees me. And that was it. I just opened the door and made him leave.
The next day he talks to me like if nothing happened. I just said hello back and left the room. After a few days he realised I'm not talking to him and he saw I'm not wearing rings anymore. And since then he only texts or e-mails very technical things.
Before his operation I sent him a message to let me know if he needs me or the kids for anything (e.g. I could drive him back from hospital to his apartment) and wished him good luck. He just thanked me but didn't ask anything.
The day of his operation he just texts me to say he's back and is fine. Then that he is back to his apartment and doesn't need anything, he'll manage. His parents did not come though before they said they would. But I expected they will find an excuse why they cannot come. Only my FIL came to spend about 2 hours here the day after he was released from the hospital. I talked to them on the phone the day of the operation as I knew my MIL will call hospital every 30 minutes. Then we talked after a few days and it was all about how my FIL is not happy that his son is so isolated in his little apartment. That he had to take a taxi alone from the hospital etc. I told her I offered help but he refused so I cannot do more.
But what is strange is that before Xmas I was worried about his operation, especially that the last operation he had ended up badly (and started his MLC). But the days prior and the day of the operation I felt nothing! Absolutely nothing. I was so surprised by it. Told my mom I feel like a monster. She told me it's just me protecting myself as it's very short time since he told me all those things. But I don't know. I was more annoyed expecting how he will exaggerate everything after the operation, the poor thing that he is etc. Which he did try, it just didn't work with me. But that's another long story.
So that's where we are. I went to see a lawyer. I want to have one ready if h files. I was about to file myself but I don't want to do something I may regret later. Though right now, I do not see it possible taking him back after everything that was said and done. But the lawyer also suggested not to file. She said it's very costly and she would only do it if I was about to marry someone else (she's very funny lady).
I know he's not well but I know I tried my best to help him and understand him and I just reached the limit of insults I'm willing to listen to.
I think he's more and more aware that he's not well, he even ordered one of the books I recommended him to read (back in November when he asked me for help finding psychologist). The book just arrived (to our address). I'll be happy if he starts doing something to feel better but more because I hope it will improve his relationship with the kids. For us, I'm afraid, it's too late.
Off to bed now but as of tomorrow I will start catching up on what's new with all of you.
Last edited by job; 02/05/1703:54 PM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs
