Moored

[HaWho]

Ciluzen - great post, thanks.

No, in hindsight I am realizing my h never saw the positives in aging. He only saw negatives: he felt sorry for older people, for their loss of youth and loss of vitality, even when he met older people who were secure and happy in their age.

Now, when it comes to my kids, I feel like I am waging a huge marketing campaign. H so frequently is dismissive of what older people, and even aging itself, can offer. Whenever he gripes that all is lost after age 25, (forehead slap), I counter with something very positive. I try to show them that aging can be empowering. (Don't worry I don't try to lift cars or anything just to prove that point. I do, however, try to show it in more graceful ways.)

Not only is h still ignoring me, he went all way back to spewing and running (again). Yesterday s had 2 games with a gap between. H was out the door early: run, run, run! He sent me a text and all it said was "separate cars." Then he laid out that he'd drive son there and I would drive him home after the second game. (I knew that meant he was going to go back to that running around at night routine. And sure enough he stayed out last night.) Surprisingly, his avoidance patterns do in fact follow a chartable course. Ohmand he's back to not eating what I cook. He does however eat it later when no one is around. Hilarious!!!

I texted back: "mmm, okay, we can go back to all that, or we could discuss this face to face." (Remember back in the spring he got mad that I complained when he was racing cars on the highway so he told me to drive, myself, 20 miles to and from the exact location. We often pulled in at the exact same time and I would park right next to him. So stupid.)

Well, did he spew. He texted me if it weren't for these kids he'd take everything and leave me in a heap. He said how dare I call him a fraction of himself. And then he told me I am dead to him. He said there is no friendship or goodwill between us anymore. He rounded out the message by saying that I should thank these kids every day, multiple times a day.

Just awful. And of course so brave via text. I wish I could block his texts and accept calls only. He is so stuck on hiding behind his phone. I don't know how to get him to come to me face to face.

I texted back and said that I did not say he was a fraction of himself because he is aging. But, that something is wrong with him. I told him he's so angry and he even wanted son to go to school in pain. And that he wanted to do things like his mother had done. And I asked why we would ever do as she had done? I told him he is not himself and I was worried about him. (This is the last time I will plant such a seed. I know it won't change a thing but maybe he'll remember it next year.)

Here's something super weird. I came home a few minutes after sending the text and h was in the kitchen. Me: hello. Him: silence. (That's not the weird part, this next bit is. Well, actually in "normal" circumstances it's weird but par for the course over here.)

He went to his room to check his phone. I heard him do it. Then he came in and s13 said he was doing x thing (very normal thing) and h said (with no sarcasm, but like he meant it) "I am worried about you." The exact words I just texted to him!


I see him struggling desperately for control: silent treatment, drive separately, I would leave you in a heap if not for these kids and him telling s he's worried about HIM.

I had myself a good cry yesterday. Just so sad. It hurts to be ignored for a whole week. Plus that text he sent was a painful one; the idea that my existence hinges on the kids.

I do think a lot of this coincides with the new job.