Moored

[ciluzen]

Wow, HaWho. That would be some major MLCer behavior, right there. Is he still ignoring you?

He really must be waging quite the battle in his head. I'm going to guess that his views on older adults are that they are hideous, worthless, incapable, weak, and feable. A bother. Are those his views? Or has he spoken of them as wise, experienced, emotionally strong and vital? An asset to the community and familial balance.

Its tough to be our MLCers. They seem to really fear aging. And change. That's why (presumably) they are "stuck". I mean, really, if everything is so bad with you, why hasn't he left? Well, fear for one. And you, you mother figure you, take care of him and are steadily there and consistant in your ability to put up with his b.s. (not take it, but put up with it by not flipping out and telling him to leave or leaving yourself). As much as he complains or treats you with P/A behavior, he considers you reliable. I'm sure seeing you go on to get a new job disturbed him...you took on change with excitement. He sees change as fearsome. If you can do that, in his eyes, maybe you will change you're way of treating him?

And then, as he probably is feeling that by getting "old" he is becoming one of those worthless, unattractive, feable "old people", you told him he as a fraction of the man you married. Boom! He was right all along! He's losing his manhood. Such a fragile ego, tied up in that "manliness" that seems to fade as the aches, pains, and weakness starts to set in. No wonder so many start hitting the gym double time in an attempt to fend off the aging. As my MLCer X has consistently said, "getting old [censored]". I wonder...is there a way to validate the few times he speaks positively about himself or of aging? Discuss the value of older adults, a way of viewing the positives in living a long and productive life? Maybe even speak positively about others who look beautiful at any age? Look at Helen Mirren (sp).

Aging and self worth. Feeling that life has passed you by, or is in the process of it. Feeling stuck, but afraid to change, or (in the case of the ones who just up and leave...Surprise!) feeling they have to change or die. Its all desperation. Although they have to fight their own battles, our validating and steadyness of caring seems to be the only real path we can take. As long as he's still there, as much as it drives you crazy, you still have a better chance of him working through this than some of us. But man, you are one amazing lady to be able to carry yourself through, and with a great sense of humor to boot.