Welcome to the community. The good things I see in your post is how quickly you acted to get help for your situation. Also, with the inexperienced and unlicensed counselor, you recognize the importance of guidance from those who are experienced.

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In early January, she said she really just needed time away from me to think through things. I wasn't a fan of this idea, but said okay since one of her primary complaints was "you always want to fix things your way." This was a pretty thing for me to change my behavior on


It is true that she wants space. But her excuse to think things over and hoping the space will cause her to want to work on the MR is not true. One of the first things to learn in DBing is to not believe what she says. Look at her actions.

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she's continuing to talk to the other guy. She's also looking for apartments, changing bank account passwords, etc. Overall, not doing things a loving wife would do.


No, it's not things a loving wife would do. These are actions of a wife who has no intentions of working on a MR with her H, at least not any time in the near future. Currently, she has another man in her head, heart, bed, and life. She has rejected her home and the provisions her H and the M gave her.....to set up a love nest for her and OM. She will not be "thinking on things" that pertain to her H and the MR.

Detaching is the best thing you can do. I caution you about subconciously using logistics about the kids as your way to connect with her. I see newcomer LBH's do that a lot. And, unless the kids are too small, I suggest you not be included in any type of video chats. If it's really about the kids, then don't be trying to let her see you, and vise versa.

I suggest you treat contacts with your W in a buisness style approach. Has there been a schedule set for when the children are to stay with which parent?

One other thing I want to caution you about is the W of the OM. Do not use those talks as a means of therapy, or venting/sharing with each other. Both of you are in emotional pain who have spouses rejecting you so they can be together. That could quickly form an unhealthy bond with you and her. Listen, I have seen couples get physically involved, whose ex's were in affairs with one another. Just saying........be careful.

Does your W know that you know about her affair?

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!