Figuring it out - WAW with Affair

[KevinIn]

I'm very new to this - not only Divorce Busting, but even marital problems. It all hit me like a brick to the face.

I'll give my background in a minute - first i want to start by saying that for the last 2 weeks I've done a great job at following the guidance on this forum (including Sandi's rules) and the Divorce Remedy book. Unfortunately, i did the exact opposite for the first 2 months after I found out that my wife was having an affair, said she didn't love me, and wanted to leave.

Divorce Remedy helped me understand that my wife isn't unique - she fits nicely into the walkaway wife (WAW) description.

Since i started reading the book and had my first to Divorce Busting coaching sessions, i've cut off all communications except logistics about kids. I have no clue if this is helping yet, but i'm sticking to it since what i was doing wasn't working.

Now, my story.
In early November 2016, wife said she was not happy and she wanted to go to couples therapy. I said yes and we went to two sessions. We both talked about how we felt about our relationship and we discovered we were on totally different pages - i thought it was okay for our stage in life (2 kids, etc.), but she said she was incredibly unhappy. oh, the therapist wasn't licenced, was in her mid-20s, and didn't specialist in couples.

On the Saturday before Thanksgiving, she said "i'm not in love with you anymore and haven't been in many years, i want to leave, and i'm having an affair." Wow. That was a bombshell. She didn't leave.

I immediately found a therapist who specializes in marriages and we started going from that week until present. I used that time to truly understand why she felt like she does, and immediately began changing myself to be a better husband.

Meanwhile, the affair continued. She tried unsuccessfully to keep it secret.

In early January, she said she really just needed time away from me to think through things. I wasn't a fan of this idea, but said okay since one of her primary complaints was "you always want to fix things your way." This was a pretty thing for me to change my behavior on, but i said okay. She also said "I just dont want to try to make it work." She's hoping the break will make her want to try.

During the first 5 days of the break, i still said "I love you," smiled really big at her when i'd video chat with our kids, said very insecure things about the affair, and even sent her a love note. After a few days, i realized this was making things worse, so i backed off completely. A few days later, my therapist recommended Divorce Remedy, which supported my thought to back off.

I've continued to be very uninvolved with her except logistics relating to our kids. I don't know if it is working at all. I do know she's continuing to talk to the other guy. She's also looking for apartments, changing bank account passwords, etc. Overall, not doing things a loving wife would do.

Crazy side note - the other guy's wife has called me and we've talked several times. They have their own issues, but its therapeutic to talk to her even though i didn't previously know her.

We have 1 week left in our controlled break before we have our first "check in" with the therapist.

Question for the community: What do I say and do during our 1 month check in?

Thanks!